First step is the hardest!

Well, I made it through the surgery well.  Doctor said I did well. I knew I would do well as soon as they gave me that relaxing drug that took me to la la land.  When we arrived at the hospital, it was a crazy scary feeling.  I had to go into the bathroom and change into my lovely fashionable hospital attire.  Actually, it was a pretty shade of purple with these cute little bears on it.  Does whoever designed it think that it would make it easier to have a mastectomy.  Well, it doesn't.  As I looked at my right boob for the last time, I got really sad. So I got my phone and a took a last picture. Just for myself.  Went to lay back down and wait for this surgery party to begin.  Anesthesiologist came in and started giving me my relaxing drug...as soon as he injected it...all I can remember was Andre kissing me and saying he would see me soon.

Woke up in recovery feeling really good and in no pain.  Then it dawned on me, my surgery was over.  If I were to look down, I would be missing my right boob.  But I can't look down.  Not yet..So I just slept and waited for them to transfer me to my hospital room.

Most of this day is a blur to me now.  All I remember is that I had Andre and Kristina in the room with me and this was all I needed.

Came home yesterday and it was nice to be in my own bed.  Kristina made sure I was comfortable and sat right by my side all day.  I had to have these drains inserted into my chest which needed to be drained twice a day.  I still wouldn't look at my chest.  Couldn't  bring myself to do it yet.  Yesterday was somewhat easy since I was still on morphine and I think the anesthesia was still in my body.  Two very special people came over and hung out.  It was so nice.  They brought me food and presents like it was my birthday. I guess in a way, it was like a birthday.  A rebirth in some way. I was going to have to learn to live without my right breast and learn to live differently than the way I have been learning. So, I guess it was my birthday.  I really enjoyed them and they made me laugh.  Actually, I hated to see them leave.  Having them there, took my mind off things.  Yes, my surgery went well but now I must wait on the results of the lymph node biopsy to determine what type of chemo treatments I will need.  So, still in a state of confusion.

Taking pain medicines is a wonderful thing to combat pain.  However, I tried to wean myself off the pain meds but found out that isn't a good thing to do on the day after a major surgery.  So, I have had to take the meds every 4 hours as instructed.  However, I am not able to sleep long peacefully.  They keep me anxious.  I sleep for awhile, then I wake up and repeat this routine.  Found out last night that the pain in my chest is getting worse each moment and that I must stay on top of my pain meds.  The day after a surgery sure can mask what your body will really feel like.  Today, I feel like crap.

Well, still haven't looked my chest too much.  Kinda looked at it swiftly but it is hard.  Tomorrow, I plan on working at looking at myself and trying to get use to the way I look now without a breast.  Luckily, I still have a bandage on it.  Just looking at the flat chest is hard right now.  I know that I will get use to it but each step down this journey is a step I must take carefully.  Started having some negative thoughts for a minute today. I know God is constantly sending me reminders of what I need to do.  Andre gives me the mail and I open a card from someone close to me.  Right on the front of the card is one word, "Believe"  Once again, I have to learn to focus on that one word alone.  I have to believe that I am cured and that I will survive!! Isn't it crazy that in the word believe, part of my first name is right in the middle, Ev!  We are one!!

Had a visit today from a very special young man.  It made me feel really good that this young man could find time in his life to come over and hang out with me today.  We ate, I watched him play video games, we laughed and we just had fun.  It was truly what I needed to keep my spirits up.  His wonderful mom sent over a silk scarf that was absolutely beautiful.  I didn't think I would wear scarves when my hair fell out but I will reconsider after I saw this scarf.  Slowly, losing hair isn't so important to me.  Each day, it is all soaking in and I am truly getting use to the idea of having Breast Cancer.  I am really more concerned about beating it and surviving.  That is the most important thing for me now.  What I do know is that I want to be around for my children and my future grandchildren.  I want to survive and I want to give back to help other women suffering with breast cancer. Each day I slowly see what God wants from me.

I have to mention that I just read what my darling, sweet daughter wrote in my blog on the day of my surgery.  If a mother was ever proud of her child, that blog entry tops everything. I couldn't be more proud or love her more. It made me feel so very special and so loved by this precious girl.  The best thing I have ever done was giving birth to her and to Ron.  My greatest gifts!!!