Arriving at oncologist office is at first very scary to me. This wasn't my first time to walk through these types of doors before. As I sit there in waiting room with Kristina, I noticed each person that is sitting there and each person that walks through the door. My question in my head is "What kind of cancer do they have?" I wait for the nurse to come get me and as we walk back to office so I can see doctor, I walk through the "chemo room" This gave me a chill. I could so remember the days when I had to have chemo 20 years prior. I remember how sick I use to get and all I can hope is that I don't get that feeling again. I keep hearing that they have better nausea medicines these days. :)
Waiting on the doctor to come in seemed like forever. I knew my lymph node came back negative but I also knew that I would still need chemo. Of course there was this fleeting hope, a slim chance of hope that I wouldn't need any chemo but I knew better. The door opens and this short Asian man walks in. If I were to have to have chemo, I needed to have a personable doctor with good bedside manner. So unaware to him, I was interviewing him during this visit. Well, he gives me all this information that I wasn't sure about. I find out that my breast cancer tumor was 1 centimeter, that by removing my breast, the cancer was taken. I learn that even though it was removed the cancer cells were a grade 3. This means that they were fast growing and more apt to grow other cancer cells. Yes, my lymph node came back negative and yes they removed my breast. However, he felt I needed to do preventative chemo to make sure that there isn't a possibility that any more of these cancer cells hadn't started to grow and that none would be able to grow. He starts to advise me that he believes that I only need 4 to 6 sessions of chemo. Yes, they will be chemo meds but he wasn't sure if I would lose all my hair or not. He thought maybe thinning but not all of it. At this point in the game, I really don't care. I just want to be healthy and I want the cancer gone. I will do whatever it takes to live. Hair and breast are just not that important anymore to me. It is strange I was making such a big deal about it in the beginning and now I don't care at all. Funny, how things change.
Well, the doc sets me up for chemo class. I suppose this is where I can learn about what to expect and where I can ask questions. Andre is going with me and I am so glad. He gives me strength and makes me feel safe. I also know that he will make this process very comical and help me go through this with ease.
As I sit back and look at it all, I am SO BLESSED! The outcome could have been worse. Way worse. This is a wonderful outcome and I am so excited to complete this journey so I can share it with other women going through the same thing. I hope I can help someone else and help make it easier for them when they learn they have breast cancer.
I have been resting and sleeping a lot. I am just needed to heal first from my surgery. My chest is tight and starting to itch. My arm is painful from the removal of the lymph node. Yet, I am taking it one day at a time. I know when I look back on these days in 6 months, I will look back with a smile. I will be a survivor and I will come back stronger from this. Trials and tribulations in life make us stronger and give us a different perspective on life. Each time I go through rough times it enhances my faith in God to another level. My faith is God is what helps me smile through good times and especially through bad times. I know we will all die one day but I am determined to not die from cancer. I started fighting this disease when I was 18 years old. I will continue to fight this disease until there is no fight in me!!! That is one thing my Dad taught me early in life. Never give up on what you believe!! I believe I will win this battle.
On another note, I am getting real excited for the NBA draft tomorrow night. I really wanted to go to support my nephew but that wasn't in the plan this year for me. I just pray that he goes to a team that will help him shine and allow him to play basketball to his hearts content. It is good to see his dreams become reality. I love to see all my kids do great things and to know that they are happy. :)
I received a lovely email from a co-worker today that made me smile. She included this poem below:
After Awhile
After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
And your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult,
Not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today because
Tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And that you really can endure…
That you really ARE strong.
And that you really do have worth.
Written by Veronica A. Shoffstall
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