Bald is suppose to be beautiful, right??

Saturday started out fairly nice.  Still had some taste buds and mouth wasn't that sore.  I wonder if buying Biotene (a moisturizing mouthwash) might have helped this time.  Like I said, I was prepared this time around.  Noticed that more of my curly hair left on my head was coming out all over the house.  I knew today would be the day that I would have to shave my head.  My wonderful friend Sheila said she would do it for me but for some reason, I wanted Andre to do it.  Cutting it all off was going to be emotional for me.  I know Sheila would have done a good job.  However, I just wanted Andre to do it.  He had offered and that made me feel good that he wanted to. I asked him and I knew he would say yes.  Since getting breast cancer, he says yes to everything. LOL  One of the perks of being ill, I suppose.

Lately, I am not feeling like myself.  I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel deformed and I feel sad.  I know it is because of all the changes to my life and myself.  There is no pity in me, just feelings of change. Buying the wig wasn't hard but having to have to wear false hair isn't my greatest joy.  I will do it to not shock people of my bald head.  That is all.

So Andre sets up a chair in our bathroom, gets out his hair clippers and puts a towel around me like we are in a barber shop.  I look at myself in the mirror.  I guess this is it, Evelyn.  Time to go completely bald.  I wonder is my head going to look too big.  Is it going to look like a cone head.  My little sister used to say I had an egg head when we were growing up.  So, this is what I am thinking.  How is my head going to look bald?? Andre asks me if I am ready. No I am not ready but I have to be.  I have no choice at this moment.  I hear the clippers come on and I feel the first shave on my head.  Then it started.  The tears began to fall.  I watched as whatever little hair that I had left, fall to the ground.  I didn't realize how emotional this process is when you start losing hair. As he shaves away, I have a stream of tears falling.  Not so much sadness but just that I had to sit here and do this.  It took me years to grow my hair long and now it was all gone.  However, my hair was gone but my spirit was still intact.  When he was all done, he looked at me and said, "Honey, you are beautiful.  I love you!" Right at that moment, the tears stopped and all that matter was what he just said to me.  I am now glad that I let him do it.  His love for me is so deep and I knew that love is what would make this experience go smooth.

I jump into the shower to clean up myself and my newly shaven head.  As the water streamed on my head, it actually felt good.  I felt free. I felt so FREE!! Once again, I had to come to the realization that I was cancer free.  That this chemo is preventing future cancer cells.  That losing my hair, all these side effects and all these changes in my life now is allowing me to have a LIFE for later.  There is something so healing about water.  As I let the water flow over my whole body, I feel so good.  I feel like a new woman.  My breast area doesn't bother me anymore, my hair being gone doesn't bother me anymore and having chemotherapy isn't even an issue now.  What is important, is that God has given me another chance at life.  I am truly blessed.  I am so thankful.

I wait to see the kids and to see what they will say about their mom and her bald head.  Kristina is the first one to wake and comes into my room.  She says good morning and starts asking me what was planned for the day.  I am looking at her and waiting for some type of reaction to my head.  Nothing. I finally ask her, "You didn't say anything about my head."  She says, "Mom, what about it.  You are so beautiful." Another confirmation of how blessed I am to have her for a daughter.  Next, I wait on Ron's reaction.

So Ron gets up and comes to my room.  He looks at me.  I look at him.  He can tell that I am waiting on a reaction. I swear that child can read my mind.  This is what he says, "Mom, it looks good.  You don't look different at all.  It actually looks better than before."  The crazy thing is I believed him.  He is the most honest person I know and when he said that, I knew he meant it.  So bald head becomes me.  Wow, never knew it.

Spent the rest of Saturday resting and hanging with my family.  These past few weeks have been so nice.  It has felt like when the kids were in high school and it was just us.  It has been so comforting to me.  I am so blessed to have my husband and kids.  They are my life and they are the reason that I have this will.  The love of them is all I need in my life.  This love will continue to carry me throughout my life.  It is so simple.  Without love, you have nothing.  I am truly blessed that I can sit here and say that I am loved!!