Michael Jackson ~ Beat It!

Yesterday, I woke up indifferent.   A lot had happened in the past few weeks for me.  First, my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the things that come with it.  My emotions have been up and down.  Yet, I have tried to maintain a positive attitude.  All I think about is what is going on with me.  I am so glad that I had the distraction of my nephew's draft to keep my mind busy.  Then Monday night, Kristina found out her start date for Southwest Airlines.  Seeing the joy in her face made me so happy because now she can share the happiness that I have for working for an awesome company.  So I have really tried to keep my mind busy and to continue to look at the blessings that God keeps throwing my way. What has started out as something that I thought was depressing, hasn't really been that.  Yes, I am suffering with some pain and yes, I have to go to chemo but it could be so much worse.  I know this and I am thankful that it isn't.

I had to go to my chemo class to see what type of chemo regimen I was going to be on.  Arriving to the hospital for the class, made me awfully nervous.  I started to get memories of what chemo was like from when I was a teenager.  I know that it was over 30 years ago and they have made advances but the whole process is pretty much the same.  Kristina took me and I love having her there with me. She is so knowledgable and listens to everything the medical staff says.  I sometimes tune out because I can't believe that I am going through yet another medical situation.  The nurse was very sweet as she tried to explain the type of chemo meds I would be taking and the side effects.  As she was talking, I just wanted to cry.  I guess Kristina could tell, for she grabbed my hand and started to squeeze.  The type of squeeze that said, "It will be alright."  As the nurse talked about fatigue, nausea, vomiting, mouth sores, HAIR LOSS, bone pain and constipation/diarrhea, I just looked at her in disbelief.  The only part of the side effects that I heard loud and clear and what seemed to bother me was the HAIR LOSS.  I know I said it isn't a big deal.  It really isn't but I am a woman and I am human.  It isn't losing 100% of hair that bothers me so much.  It is just the looks that I will see when I am in public.  The looks of "I feel sorry for her."  I don't want that.  I just want to be treated as if I have hair and that Evelyn is the same person.  I am, however, Evelyn is now Evelyn with Breast Cancer who has lost hair in the process.

After the nurse finishes and we walk out to the car, I start to feel very sad.  I start praying that God helps my family and friends be understanding when my hair starts to fall out.  We get into the car and I break down.  But it is OK.  I have noticed that I break down when I hear something new about what is expected along my journey.  Normally, after I have my breakdown, I am good and can move forward.  I call Andre and tell him what nurse says and as always, he just says, "So you lose hair.  What does that change?"  He always knows what to say and he always knows how to let me know that he loves me.

Well, we get home and Andre says let's go out to dinner.  I realize that I am going to really have to watch my nutrition and get focused on it.  Not a bad thing but I know I am going to have to put the foods that I love on the back burner.  Having cancer and eating healthy is so important.  So many changes in my life and I better get ready for it.  While out, Kristina wants us to get Michael Jackson's Dance game for the Wii. I know she thinks this will cheer me up and get my mind off of the chemo class information.  She is good at doing that.  Diverting my mind.  So after dinner, we get game and then head home to do some dance moves.

We get home and she pops in the DVD.  Mind you, I can't do anything since my arms are so sore and Michael loved to used his whole body to move.  So, I must watch Kristina as she tries to copy all of MJ's moves.  Watching her is making me laugh cause her moves look awkward and could use some help.  LOL  Andre is sitting on the couch watching and I could see in his eyes, that he was itching to get up and try it.  He kept telling her that if he did, he would blow her scores out of the water.  I said, "Dre, get up and do it." He says "No."  Then she put on Thriller and this silly man, got so excited.  He finally decides to get up and try.  Oh my goodness, I never realized how much my husband loved MJ and his music.  Let me just say, what started out as him just doing one song, ended up with him doing multiple songs.  As Kristina and I sat there, we watched him do song after song after song!!  He was dancing and singing like a reincarnation of Michael Jackson!  LOL  We laughed so much that my stomach hurt. The very last song that he did was "Beat It!"  Ironic, that as he was dancing there doing it, I couldn't help but think that was what I was going to do with breast cancer.  BEAT IT!!!  There goes God again giving me signs.  BEAT IT!!!  BEAT IT!!!  Probably, one of the best nights I have had.  Dre eventually sat his sweating and tired self down.  I just looked over at him and smiled.  Why am I so blessed to have him?? Well, just because I am.  I deserve him.  Kristina had a plan and it was executed.  My mind was diverted and I thank her for that.

Each day I am learning so much on this journey.  I received an email from the mother of a very sweet young girl that I know.  If God made a younger version of me, this young girl would be it.  When I met her, she had a spirit of sweetness and her smile was contagious.  You would never know that she was struggling with some medical issues.  She is so upbeat and so determined. Well, her Mom commences to tell me in the email how my blog is helping her daughter and inspires her.  That made me smile.  Yet, another reason I am glad that I got Breast Cancer.  If my blog has just helped one person, then I feel happy.  I initially started a blog to help myself and if it is in turn helping others, then I am pleased.  So pleased and so thankful that God is using me as His servant!!

Sunday and Monday ~ Crazy Pain!

It is Monday night and probably the best I have felt in my arm since Saturday.  Probably has something to do with the pain pills that I was able to get today!! :)  The crazy think about pain pills is they may solve the feeling of pain but it is only temporary.  Yes, it works but then 4 hours later, the pain starts to creep back up on you. Then time to pop another pill.  I DO NOT like the dependence on pills that I need right now.  I have never been much a pill popper.  Only take when really necessary.  I keep trying to wean myself because I really want to try and get better and get back to the old me.

I have researched all weekend, if this feeling I have in my arm is normal and is it suppose to happen.  Yes, it is.  Only thing is, my doctor didn't warn me and the literature that he gave me did not explain how awful this feeling is.  I don't really know what it would matter. Knowing in the beginning wouldn't have stopped the pain.  It is just a part of the surgical procedure and unfortunately, something I must deal with.  The crazy part is I was more concerned about how my right chest was going to feel and it is actually healing just fine.  Surprises me to say this, but I am getting use to not having a breast.  I can not believe I just typed that last sentence.  But each day, it becomes less important that I don't have a right breast.  Maybe it helps that my wonderful husband doesn't make it an issue.  Actually, he has been so loving and so caring towards me. God blessed me with this man.  If ever I appreciated him, this is the time.  I am already trying to plan something in my mind that I can surprise him with.  I know we will go away somewhere romantic and just for us.  Somewhere where we can just glorify the beauty of our love and marriage. It has been 13 years and each year I love him more.  I have have two hero's in my life and one is my father.  The other is definitely my husband, Andre!! His strength and his support has carried me from day one. I cherish each day that we have together and do not take it for granted.

My oncologist set me up for a CT scan on Thursday.  I know this is just precautionary.  However, I am little concerned why when he said the cancer hadn't spread.  I guess he wants to see if there are any little traces in other areas to determine what level of chemo I will need.  So back on my praying mission.  I feel lately that I keep asking God for so much.  Does God every get tired of hearing from me?  If feels like I am always asking for something. I am so very thankful for all that God has done in my life.  My faith is what carries me.  Always has and always will.  So now, I must wait for yet another test result.  I guess I will be doing this for awhile.  I have to stayed prayed up and continue to believe that I will be alright.

Time to get some shut eye.  Hope I have a peaceful sleep and pray that in the morning that my arm doesn't hurt so bad!!  And if it does, I will just handle it and work through it.  :)

Marathon Survivor!!

Friday started out like any other day this week.  Wake up, take pain pill, eat breakfast and then lay around all day.  Except, I remembered that I needed to go see my oncologist.  Kinda excited to get out of the house for a little while. Looking at the same four walls was getting really old.  So, I get up and get dressed.  Wake up Kristina, my personal chauffeur the past week. Head out for a quick excursion to doctor's office. After leaving his office, I had to make a quick stop at the store.  Thought it would be good for me to walk around for a minute.  I have been laying for 9 days and needed to work my legs.  Need to get myself up and ready to return to work next week.  What was I thinking?? Walking out of the store, I started to feel queasy and my head started to hurt. As I sat into the car, I feel like I was going to faint. I realized that I had done way too much.  Didn't expect to feel this bad.  Got to the house and as I crawled into the house and back to my chair/bed/living quarters, I was so glad.  So here went the rest of my day.  I LAID AND DID NOT MOVE MY SPOT. Only to go to the bathroom.  Man, I was wore out.  Not much to write about the rest of my evening except that I slept a whole 8 hours for the first time. Heck, I should have.  My butt was EXHAUSTED like I ran a marathon.

Woke up today feeling much better.  Slept good and arm wasn't as sore but it was beginning to throb like when a tooth is pulled and the pain killer is wearing out.  Popped some Motrin.  Trying to save my last two "real pain pills" for the next two nights. Ate breakfast and then took a shower.  The water feels so good to me.  For some reason today, I just let it run down my right breast area and watched it drip down. I have always heard water is healing.  I step out the shower when I am done and just look into the mirror.  I literally just stood there and stared at my body.  Not the best shaped body but a body that has been through a lot of wear and tear over the years.  I started to count my scars.  One (lymph node removal in chest) two (appendix surgery), three (gallbladder surgery), four (hysterectomy) five (chemo port) six (thyroid surgery to check for cancer), and my most current one, seven (breast surgery).  Seven different types of surgery over my many years.  I guess I am a pro at surgical procedures.  LOL  Strange, being a pro doesn't make them easier each time.  Just makes me more use to them.  But one thing that makes each surgery better to deal with is my faith in God and my will to fight.  Plus, I have learned to have a positive attitude about things and not allow what is going on to affect that. That is how I am able to cope.  Doesn't make me any better than no one else but it works for me.

At this same moment, it dawned on me.  All my lovely scars show me what I have been through.  Show me how I am a fighter.  Show me that even when things seem so bad, they can be healed.  Show me that God has a plan for me.  Each scar has allowed me over the years to help someone going through the same situation.  Has allowed me to truly understand when they say, "I am having gallbladder surgery."  If these scars allow me to help someone else, then these are beauty marks.  Scars that I am so proud of.  Scars that say "Hey, I know what you are going through and I understand."  Not hearsay but I really understand. I don't know if these will be my last scars but if I am blessed to get other scars in my future, I will gladly abide. :)  I am a WARRIOR and it feels good!!

Arm started tingling more and it was getting worse.  Motrin wasn't working but I had to save my last two pain pills to sleep.  So I am sitting here suffering.  Didn't I say I am a Warrior??  Each twinge of pain, I have to stop and remind myself.  This is nothing compared to what our troops feel when they get shot, nothing to a small child fighting luekemia, nothing to that hungry child who hasn't eaten for awhile and stomach hurts, nothing to that person that has lost a limb..this make my twinge of pain NOTHING.  I can deal with it because I know I am healing.  So I have to stop complaining about the pain but praising God for the victory of being a survivor.  Which I will be.  Heck, I am a survivor already.  I love this title, "Marathon Survivor." That is me, Evelyn Pearl Johnson!!! :)

Draft Day!!!

Well, yesterday was such an exciting day!!  It was the NBA draft day and I had family that was waiting to get drafted. Most of the day I was anxiously waiting for the draft to start and as I waited, I kept getting more nervous.  Finally, it began and as I waited to see where my nephew was going to be picked, I just sat in silence. This was the most intense moment but eventually, he was picked and he is now a Denver Nugget.  Wow, Denver! This is one city that I have never traveled to.  I hear it is beautiful.  I can't wait to go visit.  Congratulations Jordan Hamilton!!! You deserve this joy.

As for how am I feeling?  Well, actually, each day I feel better and better.  I am on my last 4 pain pills and I am scared that I won't be able to tolerate the pain.  The pain in my breast area and under my arm is excruciating.  It feels numb, sore, tingling, and itchy. I am trying to stretch it because I don't want to get lymphedema. This happens when you have a lymph node removed and the area under the arm isn't healed correctly.  I am slowly getting used to looking at my right breast area and not seeing my breast. Very hard at first but getting easier each day.  Heck, I better get used to it because it is with me for awhile.  Now, I am  just focused on the chemo and how it is going to affect me.  Just hope that it allows me to continue to have energy and get back to work.  I hear that I am going to be really tired.  But I am just going to worry about how it will affect Evelyn.  I have a strong will.  Remember, this isn't my first rodeo.  I remember the first time I got cancer, it was during my senior year of high school.  Everyone thought that I wasn't going to be able to walk across the graduation stage and receive my diploma.  Now, my hair was also thinned out and I had a few strands left.  They were also worried that I wouldn't be able to attach my graduation cap to my hairless head.  Well, I proved them wrong.  I put that cap on.  Attached it to my few strands of hair and held it up there with my right hand the whole walk.  Oh, yes, I did walk that stage and get my diploma.  One of my greatest moments!!!  So, don't tell me that I don't have the will.  I do and I will have that same will this time.  I keep telling myself, that I am blessed to have breast cancer.  I really mean it.  God has opened some doors for me now and I am going to walk on through with a smile!!!

A young man in high school who is close to our family came by last night to watch the draft with us.  One day soon, he will also be in that draft.  Guaranteed!!  I looked at his arm and he had on this red rubber bracelet band.  I looked at the words and it made me cry!! It was one of those "I love Boobies" bands.  They are in support of breast cancer awareness.  I said, "Sweetie, when did you get that band."  He said "Two weeks ago."  I smiled and said nothing.  Two weeks ago was when I was diagnosed.  The fact that this 17 year old was supporting me and breast cancer by wearing that bad reaffirmed why I have breast cancer.  I made him more aware of this disease.  So it has opened the eyes of another person.  That is all I want from now on.  I want everyone to be aware and to help fight for a cure!!

Dr. Liau and Chemo!!

Arriving at oncologist office is at first very scary to me.  This wasn't my first time to walk through these types of doors before.  As I sit there in waiting room with Kristina, I noticed each person that is sitting there and each person that walks through the door.  My question in my head is "What kind of cancer do they have?" I wait for the nurse to come get me and as we walk back to office so I can see doctor, I walk through the "chemo room" This gave me a chill.  I could so remember the days when I had to have chemo 20 years prior.  I remember how sick I use to get and all I can hope is that I don't get that feeling again.  I keep hearing that they have better nausea medicines these days.  :)

Waiting on the doctor to come in seemed like forever.  I knew my lymph node came back negative but I also knew that I would still need chemo.  Of course there was this fleeting hope, a slim chance of hope that I wouldn't need any chemo but I knew better.  The door opens and this short Asian man walks in.  If I were to have to have chemo, I needed to have a personable doctor with good bedside manner.  So unaware to him, I was interviewing him during this visit.  Well, he gives me all this information that I wasn't sure about.  I find out that my breast cancer tumor was 1 centimeter, that by removing my breast, the cancer was taken. I learn that even though it was removed the cancer cells were a grade 3.  This means that they were fast growing and more apt to grow other cancer cells.  Yes, my lymph node came back negative and yes they removed my breast.  However, he felt I needed to do preventative chemo to make sure that there isn't a possibility that any more of these cancer cells hadn't started to grow and that none would be able to grow.  He starts to advise me  that he believes that I only need 4 to 6 sessions of chemo.  Yes, they will be chemo meds but he wasn't sure if I would lose all my hair or not.  He thought maybe thinning but not all of it.  At this point in the game, I really don't care. I just want to be healthy and I want the cancer gone.  I will do whatever it takes to live.  Hair and breast are just not that important anymore to me.    It is strange I was making such a big deal about it in the beginning and now I don't care at all.  Funny, how things change.  

Well, the doc sets me up for chemo class.  I suppose this is where I can learn about what to expect and where I can ask questions.  Andre is going with me and I am so glad.  He gives me strength and makes me feel safe.  I also know that he will make this process very comical and help me go through this with ease.

As I sit back and look at it all, I am SO BLESSED! The outcome could have been worse.  Way worse.  This is a wonderful outcome and I am so excited to complete this journey so I can share it with other women going through the same thing.  I hope I can help someone else and help make it easier for them when they learn they have breast cancer.  

I have been resting and sleeping a lot.  I am just needed to heal first from my surgery.  My chest is tight and starting to itch.  My arm is painful from the removal of the lymph node.  Yet, I am taking it one day at a time.  I know when I look back on these days in 6 months, I will look back with a smile.  I will be a survivor and I will come back stronger from this.  Trials and tribulations in life make us stronger and give us a different perspective on life.  Each time I go through rough times it enhances my faith in God to another level.  My faith is God is what helps me smile through good times and especially through bad times.  I know we will all die one day but I am determined to not die from cancer.  I started fighting this disease when I was 18 years old.  I will continue to fight this disease until there is no fight in me!!!  That is one thing my Dad taught me early in life.  Never give up on what you believe!! I believe I will win this battle.

On another note, I am getting real excited for the NBA draft tomorrow night.  I really wanted to go to support my nephew but that wasn't in the plan this year for me.  I just pray that he goes to a team that will help him shine and allow him to play basketball to his hearts content.  It is good to see his dreams become reality.  I love to see all my kids do great things and to know that they are happy.  :)

I received a lovely email from a co-worker today that made me smile.  She included this poem below:

After Awhile

After awhile you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up

And your eyes open,

With the grace of an adult,

Not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today because

Tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And that you really can endure…

That you really ARE strong.

And that you really do have worth.

Written by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Prayer is Powerful!!!!!

Glory to God and all of His soldiers on earth!! Woke up yesterday to go see my Breast surgeon to get drainage tubes removed and to find out the results of lymph node biopsy.  Well, he told me that removing my breast removed all the cancer.  He also told me that the biopsy of my lymph node came back NEGATIVE!!!! NO CANCER!!! IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!  I was so happy to hear that.  At that very moment, I knew I could handle anything else that was to come my way. I immediately started to cry and I started to praise God!!  I started praising and couldn't stop.  My doctor just smiled and told me that the hardest part was over.  He then commenced to tell me what we needed to do.  I found out that my cancer was in Stage 1 but my cancer grade was a 3.  This means that the cancer cells were not normal and were fast growing.  This would mean that I would still need to do chemotherapy for preventative.  He wanted me to see an oncologist the next day. This is when I felt the state of shock hit me. Was I hearing this correctly????  So the toughest part was over???  I started thinking to myself, "I knew I was going to be alright.  I just knew it."  So not having my right breast was not an issue at that moment.  It was so not important at all.  Over the past week, I was putting too much emphasis on losing my boob.  I now was ready to see my scar and see the beauty of not having my right breast.  Removing it has given me life back and that is what is important.  I feel like I was born again and given a chance to continue to serving God and pleasing Him.

Kristina and I got into the car.  I called Ron first and then Andre.  They both sounded so happy and I could hear in their voices the sigh of relief.  It was the best feeling.  I could also hear the love from them too.  All four of us knew that God had heard us and was giving me different lease on life.

I came home and sat here all day in shock and so happy.  We all know that we will die one day but cancer was not going to kill me.  I am determined to beat it and keep it away from my body.  I will stay prayed up and continue to praise God each day for what I am going through. This journey is teaching me so much and introducing me to so many new people. I am loving it.

Today, I went to see the oncologist and he explained to me what my treatment was going to consist of.  Actually, anything he told me wasn't going to steal my joy.  I could handle it and I was going to be ready to finish up my recovery.  I was ready to kick cancer's butt.

Kinda sleepy tonight. I will go into more detail in tomorrow's blog.  As I am typing now, my eyelids keep falling.  Can't fight it anymore.  Until the morning  !! Tonight, I know I will be sleeping peacefully!!!

Praise God!

Yesterday was a very nice and calm day.  Saturday night was very long.  I was awake every 3 hours.  Haven't been able to sleep the whole night through yet.  Still uncomfortable.  My chest is starting to itch where the incision is. Headaches seem to be coming and going.  I am taking all this to mean that my body is healing.  It did just have major surgery and it takes time to heal. I am starting to move a little better.  Which makes me very happy.

Hadn't left the house since I got home from surgery.  But yesterday, I needed to go to church.  Needed to go worship and get my spiritual food for the week.  Getting dressed was a struggle.  I had to put on special bra and I had to figure out what to wear so that my drainage tubes are hidden.  This was a struggle but I did find a shirt in my closet that would work.  With Andre's help, I attempted to clean myself up.  Then I had to put on the special bra tank top. This is the first bra I will use. It has these two little pockets in it to hold the drainage tubes.  A great invention.  Andre was helping me every step of the way.  If I ever loved him so much, this was one of those moments.  I watched him carefully help me put the fake stuff in the bra.  He never grimaced at my breast being gone nor did he act like he was frustrated that putting on my bra was an issue.  After making sure that my padding matched my left side, I put on bra. Had to adjust it some but eventually, I was done.  I looked at it didn't look so bad.  I put on my shirt and shocking as it was to me, no one could really tell that I didn't have a right breast.  I finished getting dressed and off to church we went!

I was so glad that I went. It made me feel good and it made me feel so connected to God.  I felt God's presence and that is what I needed so bad in my life.  Going to church always makes me feel so strong and that I can tackle the world. This is how I felt after the sermon.  Returning home, I felt different.  Probably this was the best feeling I have had since learning that I had breast cancer.

That one hour gone was much though.  When I got home, I was very tired and had a slight headache.  After I put back on my PJ's, I laid back down and attempted to enjoy the rest of my Sunday. A very close friend of mines from Wichita, paid for my family to have lunch.  It was nice.  I ordered PF Chang's, my favorite chinese restaurant.  Andre, bless his heart, has been trying to cook. He has some really good dishes that he makes but not many. It was so nice for the change this day. Had a few surprise visitors and it was nice.  Kind of like a train station of visitors.  One group would leave and then another group would come.  :) One friend brought her Mom who has suffered with breast cancer and it was so helpful.  I was able to ask all these questions and it was nice.  She actually eased my mind about a lot of things. It made my day go fast and kept my mind off the itching/throbbing feeling I was having in my chest.  Another friend brought me chicken spaghetti and that as delicious.  I have to be so careful and conscience of my diet now.  Need to change my lifestyle so that I can be healthy.  In order to beat cancer, I know how important eating healthy and exercise is.  Should have been doing this all a long.  But, oh well.  Never too late to start. The majority of this day was spent visiting.  By the time evening came, I as exhausted. However, it was a good tired feeling.

Overall, a great day.  Just rested, visited and watched lots of television.  I am trying to do more things as possible.  Andre won't let me do anything and this is getting frustrating.  I know I need to rest but I have to also try to take care of myself.  This is a part of healing.  I so do not like being treated like an invalid.  I need to be independent and self sufficient.  That is just who I am.  I am trying very hard to chill until at least Wednesday.  That would make a week since surgery and I should be able to start doing more on my own.

Today, I go see Dr. Floyd so he can remove my drains.  I wonder if he will have the results back yet.  I am nervous but being hopeful.  I have to keep the "I will survive" attitude going at all times.  I have a lot of questions for him today.  I have to tell him some stuff.  Most importantly is,"I have not had a bowel movement and what can I do to get this process moving?" :)

Until later...

One step at a time!

Lazy Saturday..heck, since I have gotten out of the hospital, each day has been lazy.  No fun when your days are forced to be lazy.  Laying around is so not me and person that I am.  I like to get up and go.  I have to really work hard at this not doing anything and just getting rest.  I have to tell myself that this is what I need to do to heal.

Today has been rough. I was up most of the night because it is uncomfortable to sleep in my bed.  So, I have been spending my past few nights in the oversized chair in my family room.  So I am up watching every TV pastor, every informercial and every rerun of I Love Lucy!! I would love to surf the net but it is painful sit up on the laptop for extended hours and at such a late hour of the night, all I want to do is just lay and not move.  I am just so glad that my wallet is the bedroom and that I don't have access to my credit card.  Dang, I want to buy every kitchen gadget that I am seeing for $19.99 plus bonus gifts.  LOL. I have to make sure I have Andre hide it tonight.

The pain in my chest is not so much a painful pain but a throbbing pain. I can almost feel the pumping of the drain from my chest.  It is hard to explain but it is a weird and annoying feeling.  I have to take my pain meds every 4 hours like clock work because now I am scared to be off them for fear I will feel whatever they are suppose to be masking for me.

Had a mostly quiet day.  I did decide today that I would start looking at my chest more. Ease into the realization that my breast is gone and I will be flat chested on my right side for awhile.  I did shed a few tears but not long.  My breast was diseased and it needed to be removed.  Remember, Evelyn, it is suppose to save your life.  I know this and it is starting to sink in.  I am also realizing that they know I have breast cancer but I have to also wait on the results of my lymph node biopsy to see if it has spread there.  I have to take this journey one step, one day at a time and one test at a time!! I need to hurry and find out so I can begin my chemo treatments and get closer to being a survivor.

My dear, sweet Andre and Kristina are taking such good care of me.  I can't even imagine how it would feel to not have their support and love.  This makes this whole process so much easier.  I am so blessed that I have them both to lean on.  And when I say lean, I literally mean lean.  Walking is a chore but I have to make myself do it during the day so that I don't get pneumonia. Have to exercise my lungs.  I need to start walking outside because I need the sun.  Like a flower, I need the sun to feel alive.  I guess I will at least wait until I see my breast surgeon on Monday to see how much and what kind of exercise I can do for now.

All I know is that I am on the road to recovery and that I am ready to do this!!  For me, the worse part is over and that was hearing the doctor say "You have Breast Cancer."  Now, that I know that, I just need to deal with it.  The tears aren't so often and that is a good thing.  The scared feeling is still here but that is normal.  I just need to focus on my future.  I need to look forward to something in my future and look forward to it.  Let me see, there is a lot going on around me that makes me happy, NBA draft, my daughter getting a job at my workplace, summer basketball, family weddings and there is always Las Vegas!!  So, that is what I am focused on.  All these things give me something to look forward to in the future.  :)

First step is the hardest!

Well, I made it through the surgery well.  Doctor said I did well. I knew I would do well as soon as they gave me that relaxing drug that took me to la la land.  When we arrived at the hospital, it was a crazy scary feeling.  I had to go into the bathroom and change into my lovely fashionable hospital attire.  Actually, it was a pretty shade of purple with these cute little bears on it.  Does whoever designed it think that it would make it easier to have a mastectomy.  Well, it doesn't.  As I looked at my right boob for the last time, I got really sad. So I got my phone and a took a last picture. Just for myself.  Went to lay back down and wait for this surgery party to begin.  Anesthesiologist came in and started giving me my relaxing drug...as soon as he injected it...all I can remember was Andre kissing me and saying he would see me soon.

Woke up in recovery feeling really good and in no pain.  Then it dawned on me, my surgery was over.  If I were to look down, I would be missing my right boob.  But I can't look down.  Not yet..So I just slept and waited for them to transfer me to my hospital room.

Most of this day is a blur to me now.  All I remember is that I had Andre and Kristina in the room with me and this was all I needed.

Came home yesterday and it was nice to be in my own bed.  Kristina made sure I was comfortable and sat right by my side all day.  I had to have these drains inserted into my chest which needed to be drained twice a day.  I still wouldn't look at my chest.  Couldn't  bring myself to do it yet.  Yesterday was somewhat easy since I was still on morphine and I think the anesthesia was still in my body.  Two very special people came over and hung out.  It was so nice.  They brought me food and presents like it was my birthday. I guess in a way, it was like a birthday.  A rebirth in some way. I was going to have to learn to live without my right breast and learn to live differently than the way I have been learning. So, I guess it was my birthday.  I really enjoyed them and they made me laugh.  Actually, I hated to see them leave.  Having them there, took my mind off things.  Yes, my surgery went well but now I must wait on the results of the lymph node biopsy to determine what type of chemo treatments I will need.  So, still in a state of confusion.

Taking pain medicines is a wonderful thing to combat pain.  However, I tried to wean myself off the pain meds but found out that isn't a good thing to do on the day after a major surgery.  So, I have had to take the meds every 4 hours as instructed.  However, I am not able to sleep long peacefully.  They keep me anxious.  I sleep for awhile, then I wake up and repeat this routine.  Found out last night that the pain in my chest is getting worse each moment and that I must stay on top of my pain meds.  The day after a surgery sure can mask what your body will really feel like.  Today, I feel like crap.

Well, still haven't looked my chest too much.  Kinda looked at it swiftly but it is hard.  Tomorrow, I plan on working at looking at myself and trying to get use to the way I look now without a breast.  Luckily, I still have a bandage on it.  Just looking at the flat chest is hard right now.  I know that I will get use to it but each step down this journey is a step I must take carefully.  Started having some negative thoughts for a minute today. I know God is constantly sending me reminders of what I need to do.  Andre gives me the mail and I open a card from someone close to me.  Right on the front of the card is one word, "Believe"  Once again, I have to learn to focus on that one word alone.  I have to believe that I am cured and that I will survive!! Isn't it crazy that in the word believe, part of my first name is right in the middle, Ev!  We are one!!

Had a visit today from a very special young man.  It made me feel really good that this young man could find time in his life to come over and hang out with me today.  We ate, I watched him play video games, we laughed and we just had fun.  It was truly what I needed to keep my spirits up.  His wonderful mom sent over a silk scarf that was absolutely beautiful.  I didn't think I would wear scarves when my hair fell out but I will reconsider after I saw this scarf.  Slowly, losing hair isn't so important to me.  Each day, it is all soaking in and I am truly getting use to the idea of having Breast Cancer.  I am really more concerned about beating it and surviving.  That is the most important thing for me now.  What I do know is that I want to be around for my children and my future grandchildren.  I want to survive and I want to give back to help other women suffering with breast cancer. Each day I slowly see what God wants from me.

I have to mention that I just read what my darling, sweet daughter wrote in my blog on the day of my surgery.  If a mother was ever proud of her child, that blog entry tops everything. I couldn't be more proud or love her more. It made me feel so very special and so loved by this precious girl.  The best thing I have ever done was giving birth to her and to Ron.  My greatest gifts!!!

Calling all Angels - Train..

I've never done a blog entry but I'm going to do my best because my mom asked me to. I don't know where to start but I guess I'll start at the beginning and why I believe I'm here at this point in my life. So...

I was birthed on May 5, 1988 around noon-ish.. And my mother gave me the name Kristina Julia-Mae Horton. What's funny is that my mom said that she gave me the name Kristina because she believed that I was a gift from god and that in his name she wanted to honor him. Its funny because I would never see myself as a gift to anyone, I mean I spend tons of cash involuntary and very much voluntary, I require lots of attention from day 1 to age 20, at times very messy, and I am a girl. Lets face it, teenage girls are not the great treasures of the world. But I guess if the shoe fits... lol Anyway, she came up with Christ-ina but there was something missing, she felt that my name was too common and that I deserved a name a little more unique so that’s when she throw out the Ch and put a K. Special K that is... From that day on, I was blessed because my mom began my life glorifying God.

         “Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.” Isaiah 43:7

As far back as I can remember my mom has been a believer, follower, or devotee… a Jesus Freak!  Lol When I was younger I didn’t understand it, believing in something you couldn’t see or feel. Just didn’t sit right with me for some reason. Probably because of my scientific brain being developed. I went to church camps and Sunday schools but mostly for the free food and to spend time with my friends. It didn’t slap me upside the head til my late years in high school that I needed more to life than what was physically accessible. I needed God so I picked up my bible and instead of skimming though, I wrote down notes and absorbed the information. Then it started to make sense, this guy was very much real and I could feel it. But what does this mean?

It means that an Angel touched me at a very early stage in my life.  That I had no choice in what I wanted in life and that if I swayed or made a mistake, my Angel would do everything in her power to get me back on track. From the day that I was born and given my name, my Angel knew I was destined to be here and I had purpose. 

My purpose was to be here, at this very moment, sitting in this uncomfortable chair next to my father waiting for my Angel to come out of surgery. I was made to be here for my mother who has been there for plenty of people including those who didn’t deserve it.  I have had a rocky journey to adulthood as plenty of children go though with their parents but through the numerous storms, intense arguments and the unmentionable things said, we are still here. So I’m not worried about breast cancer or this surgery because we have been to hell and back and this is just another thing that WE will beat.

I have faith, a Blind Faith.

                “Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29

It's so hard to say goodbye!!

Today was a different kind of day!!  Woke up, ate breakfast, took a shower and then it dawned on me.  Today I must say goodbye to a part of my body that I have had a close relationship with since I was 13 years old.  My precious right breast.  As I got out of the shower and dried off, I couldn't stop staring at it and realizing that in the morning, it will be cut off and I will never see it again. Gone it will be. Yet, am I being selfish. There are people who don't have one of their limbs.  It is just a breast, right??? Removing it is giving me life.  So if this is so true, why does it hurt so bad to say goodbye???

Received a phone call from this wonderful woman who works with the Susan G. Komen organization.  This was such an encouraging and helpful phone call.  She answered my questions and just listened to whatever I as saying. She understood where I was in this journey and she helped me feel more calm about what was going to happen to me. Before we hung up the phone, she said she wanted to come see me.  I thought that was very kind that she wanted to.  It actually made me excited to visit with her.

Got dressed and went to our Annual Work Boat Trip.  I was a little apprehensive at first because this was the first time I was going to see everyone from work since they found out about my BC.  As I walked up to everyone, I was nervous and felt like I was now different.  But I was wrong.  It was like walking up to my family at a family gathering. The day was very nice.  I did notice myself looking at boobs and hair more than normal.  There is this co-worker of mine that has battled cancer.  She is towards the end of her chemo.  Today, she inspired me!! She looked so beautiful to me.  At one time during our excursion, she took off her head covering and I saw her beautiful head which was showing some hair growth.  I looked at her and she was like a Statue of Liberty.  I felt empowered and it made me see cancer differently. I am going to beat it and I am going to be a beautiful cancer survivor too!!  Just like her.

Met with the lady who is designing my bra with the prosthetic.  This made losing my breast even more real.  As I looked at her and she was explaining all the different types, different colors and different bras, her words started sounding like "blah, blah, blah."  I wanted to say to her so bad, "I don't care what type I get, I don't care what color, I don't care which bra.  Can you just pick it out and let me know how to use it?"  But the nice person that I am, just smiled and acted like I really cared.  After she was done measuring me and letting me know the process, I looked up and saw this sign in her office.  It said, "Believe"  There goes that word again.  Ok, God is bringing me back to earth again. My word that I need to focus  on is staring me back in the face.  As I was getting up to leave, this sweet lady, just looked at me and hugged me.  I felt bad for wanting her to shut up about so many options.  It isn't her fault that I have breast cancer.  She is trying to make it easier for me.  I hugged her back and I hope she knows that I appreciate her and her bras!! :)

Well, today it is it.  Last day with my right breast connected to me.  It is so hard to say goodbye.  Yet, tonight, doesn't feel so hard since I know I am saying goodbye to cancer and hello to life!!  So, goodbye, good riddens, adios, hasta la vista baby, don't let the door hit you in rear, get the heck out of town CANCER!!  Tomorrow, is a new day for me and I am going to shine.  Tomorrow is the beginning of God's plan for my future.  I am excited to see what it is all about!!  

Out of commission for a few days!!  I believe in life and I believe that I am going to beat Breast Cancer!!!   

Back to Dallas!!

Back home and I miss Ron already.  We had such a nice time and as I was flying back home, I was wishing that it was Thursday all over again and I was flying to Jacksonville.  But in all reality,I had to snap out of it and focus on what was going to happen in the next few days.  I am being positive and I am having faith in God that everything is going to be alright.  However, that still doesn't stop me from the human emotion of fear.

As I was changing clothes tonight to get ready for bed, I looked at my right breast for a very long time.  I kept wondering what if I didn't get mammograms.  Would I have been creating an early death sentence for myself??  The answer would be yes. Since I have always been on top of my mammograms, I was able to catch this breast cancer early.  I pray, early enough to get rid of it with the removal of my breast and chemo.  Yet, looking at my breast, I am beginning to get sad.  Sad that I am having to cut off a part of my body.  Sad that I won't be able to have my two breasts anymore.  Sad that I will have to wake up Thursday morning with only one breast.  Sad that I am sad because I have to remove it to live.
What is wrong with me??? I want to live and removing a breast to do it, is a small price to pay.  Right?

Being away was so good for me and my kids.  We laughed, we ate, I soul searched and I prayed a lot.  I feel stronger and I BELIEVE that I will beat this.  My faith is so strong and I know that this is happening to me for a reason.  I truly believe that. It seems that I am finding out daily, how many people have been affected by breast cancer.  Whether, it is an aunt, mother, sister, friend or themselves, this disease is out there and it is touching so many women/men.  As I read so many survivors stories, I see what is happening to me and it comforts me.  Reading what others have dealt with is helping me deal.  I pray that just one person reading my blog, can get some relief from it.  Pay it forward somewhat.

Tomorrow is my departments Annual Boat Party.  I am anxious to see everyone but I am also nervous.  Are they going to treat me differently?? Am I going to see those sad eyes?? Are they going to make me feel like this breast cancer is such a sad thing??  Actually, I need to shake this nervousness and go to this event as I would any other time.  I have to remember.  I control what is about to happen to me and I control how I perceive things.  Regardless, of how or what I am thinking they are thinking, doesn't really matter in reference to what is going on with me.  The one thing I do know and I would bet money on, is that they care about me!!  So that is what is most important tomorrow. I need to go spend time with my SOS family and just have a good ole time!!!

Believe!!!

Started my day out cooking my kids their favorite breakfast of cheesy eggs, sausage, hash browns and biscuits!  Ron was kicking us out so he could read and study for awhile.  So this was Kristina and my chance to go hang out at the beach!

Putting on my bathing suit made me stop and think.  It just dawned on me, how will I be able to wear a bathing suit with only one breast.  I already felt naked walking around in one and now I must feel lopsided too..Do they make swimsuits that hide that I have only one breast?? Will I feel embarrassed to wear a swimsuit now??  Already was embarrassed cause I am overweight. Now I can add more embarrassment.  Overweight and one breast!!  This sucks!!

Had to tell someone very special to me that I had BC.  I waited a while to tell her because I didn't want her to worry about her "Aunt Ev."  I am not her aunt by blood but just another beautiful child that felt close enough to me to honor me by calling me "Aunt Ev."  She said the sweetest thing to me.  She said, "You remind me of a flower.  Always standing tall, no matter what. When days are not so shiny, you are always getting back up."  :)  That made me smile.  She is somewhat right.  I normally don't let anything get me down. So why would I let this breast cancer do it??  It is soaking in now and I know this is temporary in my life.  It is funny that from the first day that I met her, I knew that we would have bond that was longstanding.  She reminded me of myself when I was young. She doesn't even realize how her spirit is so sweet.

Kristina and I had such a wonderful time at the beach.  Jacksonville beaches are the best kept secret.  White sands, clear Atlantic ocean, not dirty and not a whole lot of people.  Truthfully, the beach is the best inexpensive vacation.  Bring the kids and they can play for hours for free.  As Kristina boogie boarded in the waves, I just watched and observed my surroundings.  Wishing just for a moment, I could freeze it.  I watched young kids playing sand volleyball, little kids building sand castles, women sunbathing, people playing in the water, kids flying kites and people just walking along the shoreline. I thought to myself, why do we rush through life as we do.  Why does it take something so serious as breast cancer to make me stop and smell the roses??  I know I rush through life daily.  For the next few weeks, I am  forced to slow down.  I need to focus on healing and getting mentally prepared for chemo.  I need to slow my roll, as my Mom would have said.  :)  While siting on that beach, I noticed so much.  I saw people smoking on the beach and it made me sort of angry.  Why are they dropping ashes and their cigarettes butts in that beautiful white sand?? This is God's creation and it is being disrespected. Normally, this wouldn't have bothered me but today it did.  I am thinking about myself.  Why do I eat the wrong foods and put things that aren't healthy into my body? Isn't that the same thing.  Why am I disrespecting my body?  Sitting on the beach, you do way too much thinking about stuff.  For me today, it was helpful.  It just made me realize some areas of my life that I need to change.  I can't change everyone but I can definitely change myself.

Received a call from a lady that was a breast cancer survivor and then a Louisiana Katrina survivor.  Our conversation was what I needed today.  She gave me insight on what to expect and she prayed with me.  She told me to that God was going to give me a word during my journey and that I need to focus on that word.  She asked me if I felt God has given me that word.  I thought about it and instantly I knew what she was meaning.  Yes, God gave me a word the other day but it magnified this morning.  That word was BELIEVE!!! Kristina was telling me just the other day how important it was that I believe that I am going to beat this.  So then I started focusing on that word.  Then this morning, I wanted to put a breast cancer pink ribbon on my blog site and I saw one with the word Believe and the the l was the pink ribbon.  Just now, God is speaking to me.  This is so powerful.  My son is listening to piano music as he studies.  He says, "Mom, what does this song sound like?"  Well, the song is from my husbands favorite movie, Step Brothers.  Even though that movie is a comedy, the song is actually beautiful.  I looked at his IPhone and I saw the name of the song.  Hold on to your seat.  It was by a man by the name of Emile Pandofli and it was from his album "Believe."  Now, that just freaked me out.  If that isn't God talking, what is it??? So, from this day forward, I believe that I will beat breast cancer and that I will continue to believe that God is going to rid my body of this cancer with the help of doctors.  I just have to say, "God, I hear you and I won't allow no more negative thoughts to come to my head because I believe that you and I have a mission."  What that mission is, I have no idea yet but I know God will let me know on His time!!

Well, the Finals between the Mavs and the Heat is about to come on.  Need to go spend my last night in Jacksonville with my son before I leave tomorrow.  Gotta go!!  Oh, yeah,  GO MIAMI HEAT!!!!  :)

I met someone like my Dad!!

Woke up early to the sun!!  Man, it makes me so so happy.  I said my daily prayers and then woke up the kids.  We had a busy day planned and wanted to get a start on it.

Had my first hair dream last night. I was wondering when they were going to begin.  In the dream, I was showing someone how long my hair was.  It was reaching down to my toes just like Rapunzel!!  Only in the dream, I was done with my chemo and my hair never fell out.  This makes me so sad because when I dream, things are the opposite.  I suppose my dream is trying to start preparing me for the loss of my precious hair.  Stupid dreams. Stupid chemo.  Stupid breast cancer.  Oh, why, oh why isn't there a cure and/or preventive medicines for breast cancer??? I hear there is a 1% chance that I might not lose my hair.  Could I be that 1%?? You never know.

I met some really interesting people today.  It constantly amazes me how God answers prayers so fast sometimes.  While I have been in Jacksonville, we have been looking for Ron an apartment closer to his school.  We have looked at about 10 different places.  Some we like and others we didn't.  But the very last one today was a winner.  Walked in and the lovely apartment manager had a huge cheerful spirit.  Looked at a model apartment and it was nice.  When we returned to the rental office, there was this elderly African American man.  He was needing some help with his cable in his apartment.  So Ron offered to help.  While I filled out the rental application for him, he went to help.  Ron came back with this man and from that point on, a friendship began. He reminded me so much of my Dad that it was spooky.  Ironically, both Ron and Kristina said the very same thing.  They both said this man had the mannerism's of my Dad and his stories reminded them of my Dad.  This gentle old man gave us conversation that held all our attention.  As I looked at him in his eyes, I could feel something.  He assured me that he would look after Ron and that I shouldn't worry about him.  This was strange to me since I prayed this morning just for that.  That Ron would connect with someone here to be there for him.  Especially during the next 6 months as I deal with BC.  I worry about him so because he is so quiet but I know that he worries about me too.

I continue to get so many emails and texts that make me cry.  They are so caring and so sweet. I keep getting numbers of women who have had breast cancer and said they would talk to me.  Not sure who to talk to first.  But I know I want to.  Just need to pick up the phone.

I am starting to get anxious. I wish everyday could be today.  Today was so perfect and no worries. The closer it gets to June 15th, the more nervous I am getting.  I look at my boob and don't believe that in 4 days, it will be removed.  I now feel a lump and that confuses me.  I didn't feel one last month.  So did it just grow in the last month??? I wonder about the cancer cells in my breast and how fast they are growing.  I pray the chemo kills all those cells.  I pray that they have not spread to other areas.  Have to keep telling myself that removing my breast is saving my life.

Today, my daughter got a little upset.  She has been strong from day one of this process.  She hasn't been very sad and I haven't see her cry once.  That alarms me because I feel she will crash one day soon.  I need her to be herself and talk to me honestly about how she feels.  I think she wants to be strong for me but I think we need to both relax and allow God to hold us both up.  She is my rock and I know that I can depend on her.  However, I don't want to put so much pressure on her that she can't handle it.  This is when I need to just stop what I am doing and give her a hug!! I may be going through a lot but I have to remain Mom to her.  She needs me as much as I need her. I must keep my usual day to day life the same.  Not only for her but for me as well.

A perfect day in Jacksonville!!

Woke up to the sun in Florida.  I always feel so happy when I wake up here.  Looking out my son's bedroom room, I can see the lake outside his door. There are these geese that live on this lake.  I look at them and wonder how their life is so simple. Then I wonder how right now, today, I wish things were more simple in my life.  I am about to venture into somewhat unknown waters and it scares the heck out of me.  

Sent out the email to my department and to other fellow co-workers last night. That was very hard for me to do.  My heart was racing as I typed but after I was done, I felt so relieved.  Now everyone that is close to me at work knows and I can move forward. I really need to be relaxed this week and holding onto it and worrying about everyone knowing was draining me.  

I look at my work email and notice that I am receiving emails back.  OMG, each and every one of them have made me cry.  Ok, I know I have a good heart and I try to make everyone feel loved but I really did not realize how many people loved me back. Most gave me their phone numbers and said to call whenever.  One even said call at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. I hope she doesn't regret that statement.  However, I am sitting here thinking, "Who do I call first.  I have so many people to choose from."  So I have decided to do this.  I don't want to call the same person too much.  Cause I don't want to burden any one person too much.  So, I am going to put all the names in a hat.  So far, I have about 100 people that said they didn't mind if I called.  And whenever I need to talk to someone, cry with someone or just laugh with someone, I will pick out a name.  Then I will discard that name and start over the next time.  Now that way, not one person is bugged too much!!  :)  However, I do feel so very sorry for that 2:00 a.m. person who gets drawn from the hat!!  LOL

The most shocking email I received today came from Colleen Barrett.  This very busy and very intelligent woman found time in her life, to email me about my situation.  Let me say, she sent me an email that was long, encouraging and heartfelt.  It showed me why I love Southwest Airlines so much.  This is truly a company that cares about so many others but it truly cares about their own.  Funny that God is sending so many people my way.  My own family isn't that close and I have prayed for the type of family that loves, cares and supports no matter what.  Well, God listened when he allowed me to walk into those doors at SWA headquarters on October 13, 2008.  On that day, I got the family that I so prayed for.

I am going to print out the emails to read on the days when I feel  down and I need something to lift me up.  I have received so many back that are so sweet and so loving.  I just want everyone to know that those emails will help me keep my faith up.  I know I am very strong and I know I will beat it but I am human.  So I also know that there will be times when I will be down.  But those emails will lift me back up when I feel I can't get up myself.

Today was nice.  Apartment shopped with my son, hung out at the mall, ate some really good food, went to a movie and now at his home resting.  Yes, my mind tried to wonder about the surgery and what to expect.  But quickly as it entered my mind, I diverted my attention to something else.  Thank goodness for my IPhone.  The Holy Bible application allows me to read scripture whenever I need to help me relax.  One I read today was helpful: Psalm 28:7 says, "The Lord strengthens and protects me; I trust in him with all my heart.  I am rescued and my heart is full of joy; I will sing to him in gratitude."  Right now, I am trusting that God has this and I have to have faith that all will be alright.  Cancer isn't a death sentence for everyone.  I have to tell myself that because I need to not allow that to bother me.  It is crazy how your mind plays games with you.  Being positive right now is something I have to constantly work on because dread just keeps trying to creep in.  So for me, the word of God is my armor.  I stand behind it and then I feel safe!!

Tired and time to go to bed!! Already getting sad, cause Monday is coming fast.  I don't want to leave my son but I know I have to go home and get ready for my lovely surgery on Wednesday!! Thank God that I have Kristina in my corner.  I feel good knowing that she is going to be with me every step of the way.  I know Ron would want to be there but he can't miss summer school!  I will be fine.  I got this.  

OK God what are you telling me??

Got up early to catch my flight to Jacksonville to see my son!!  I was busting with excitement.  Yet, a little nervous because I know we will have to discuss what is about to happen to me.  Yet, he is very strong.  My dad helped me raise him to be that way.  All those previous lessons that he has learned about strength may crumble when he realizes what is happening.  But I do know that he will tell me something positive and make me feel better.  He is a lot like my Dad in that sense.  I wish my Dad was here to go through this with me.  Years ago, he was the only one that made me see the positive in Hodgkin's Disease.  On second thought, he is here because he is in my son!!

Kristina and I arrived at the airport and was just waiting on our flight to depart.  Look up and I run into our new hire class that just graduated.  Actually, it was only about 6 of them.  We were discussing the game and then all of the sudden, I got the urge to blurt out that I had BC.  It seems to get easier each time.  I had spent some time with them and I wanted them to know why I wasn't in the department for awhile.  After I told them, I noticed tears.  I am thinking, "Wow, I only spent little time with them and all of the girls in the group were crying for someone they didn't really know."  Yet, it made me feel warm inside to see the care for me in their eyes.  The only guy there looked at me and told that he knew a lady with the Susan G. Komen organization.  Said she lives by me and has a group for women diagnosed with BC.  Now, if that wasn't God this morning, what was it.  Why did I feel compelled to tell them what was going on with me??? I don't do it for pity, I am just honest.  I am not ashamed.  Maybe it is just getting easier to tell people.  But I am glad I said something because I made contact to someone that I need to know.  Someone that is getting me closer to the organization that I know I need to be more associated with.  God is constantly putting people in my touch.

Then I get on the plane, look for a seat on my already SWA flight.  This is very important that I pick the right seat where I can chill and sleep.  Didn't really want to talk this morning.  Only the middle seats are available.  I am walking down the aisle and I sit between these two women.  On my left, is a lady that was angry because her flight had been delayed for over 3 hours.  So I tried to calm her down.  The delay was due to weather so I tried to help her understand that it wasn't SWA fault.  We can't judge weather. I eventually calmed her down and she stop bitching.  The lady to my right was acting like she was on Speed and looked like a Dolly Parton twin.  Once I calmed down lady to my left, lady to my right started and didn't stop talking the whole flight.  Lucky me!!!  However, ten minutes before we landed, she said something to me about living life to its fullest.  Then is when I decided to blurt out the "I have Breast Cancer" spill.  I really need to get a shirt with that sentence.  I know it really is no one's business but I am feeling that I want people to know now.  I need to make everyone aware of the importance of mammograms, early detection and breast cancer research!! I knew it was important but NOW I really know why.  So now I am another voice to this disease!

Anyway, after I told her, she looked at me and for the first time on our trip, she got quiet.  She then looked at me and said, "My mom and my grandma both had it." She then commences to tell me how they have survived it and how it has changed their lives.  That is one reason she lives life and travels everywhere. I told her, I have been living my life and traveling everywhere for years.  I guess I already knew how precious life is.  So, I was suppose to sit by her.  I should have known.  My fault God!!  I am steadily learning lessons on this journey.

Now, I am sitting here with my two beautiful children and about to have a conversation about things and what our future is going to look like.  It looks good to me cause I am going to believe it will.

One of the new hires sent me a private message on Facebook tonight.  It made me cry.  She wrote, "You touched me so much.  I feel like I met an Angel to go through what your going through and to be so positive about life. I took so much just from that one conversation!" An Angel, wow!!! That is a huge compliment.  Last week, I didn't even know how I was going to be positive but this morning, I was.  Positive enough to touch this sweet child that called me an Angel.  I suppose God is letting me know how I effect others with just being myself.  I have never thought I was an "Angel" but today, just for today, I will wear that crown proud!!  If I inspired her for one moment, then getting breast cancer was worth it for just that one reason!!

Now I must end this and finish watching the Finals and spending time with my babies!!  I will allow God to guide this evening.  But tomorrow and each day I am here, we are not going to talk about BC or anything.  I just want to relax and enjoy this moment with two of the most wonderful children a mother could ever wish for!!

Heart is warm!!

Today was a crazy long day!! Woke up thanking God for everything and at the same time, asking God, "Why did the Mav's win??" LOL  Go to work, walk in all happy and notice that my desk is decorated in all this blue Dallas Maverick stuff.  Made me sick to have to work in that environment.  But I knew I just had to get through the day and then I wouldn't have to look at it anymore because when I return, the Miami Heat would have won the Championship!  :)

Work was very hard yesterday.  It was my last day for awhile.  Started out kinda weird.  Some people at work know about my BC.  As I look at others, and if I feel the urge, I am just blurting out to them that I have BC.  Had to tell more today and each time, it seems to get easier for me but when I tell them, I instantly see the sadness in their eyes and in good ole Evelyn fashion, I start consoling them. Telling them, don't worry, I will be alright.  I guess I am practicing what I preach.  I hate to see anyone worry.  Especially people that I am close to.  Received a few BC things today.  Now all of a sudden, my pink collection is starting to grow.  Never really liked pink but I guess I need to start appreciating it.  I actually love yellow and orange more than anything.  This BC is going to change my life tremendously.

The more I tell people, the more I am hearing that everyone knows someone with it.  I am slowly realizing where God is leading me. Not exactly sure but I have a feeling.  I do know that I want to get more involved in Susan G. Komen, once I am better.  I know I want to give back.  I know this for sure.

I am thanking God right now for the support I feel.  I know I won't be alone.  I need to really reach out because I will need it.  But I also don't want to drain my friends with my problems and issues.  So this blog should help me.  I know how I am feeling and how drained I feel already.  I don't want that for anyone else.  I just hope that my friends reach out to me. And if you are reading my blog, "I WANT YOU TO CALL, TEXT, EMAIL, FACEBOOK, OR TWEET ME"!  I may not be able to reach out on my own cause I don't want to be a burden.  So hopefully, I will continue to have contact with my friends.  I don't want to be forgotten cause they don't see me anymore.  I don't want to return to work lost.

Seven days until the surgery and it is starting to freak me out.  I look at my right boob and I can't believe it will be gone next week.  But I keep telling myself, this is so minor in the scheme of things. But I am still scared.  That dang hair thing is messing me up still. Losing eyebrows and eyelashes is freaking me out.  I have paid for eyebrow waxing for years.  I guess now I can save $30 a month.  I guess I can look at it that way. I know no hair and no boob isn't important compared to getting rid of the BC.  But I am not going to lie, I am VERY SAD about it.  It has only been a week, so I am shock still and trying to figure it out.  I do know this.  No wig for me!!! I will wear hats and maybe scarves.  I remember when I was 18 years old and had Hodgkin's Disease.  I lost my hair from the chemo and radiation then. My dad took me to look for a wig and back then, ALL the wigs looked like grandma wigs.  Just imagine that!!  I tried on wig after wig and each one made me look like Wanda from Sanford & Son!! LOL  Scarred me for life!!  So with that being said, I will not wear a wig. I know they are different now but I can't do it.

I am not wearing my estrogen patch anymore and the sweats are killing me.  I am sweating all the time and I am keeping a headache.  But my doctor said to take it off.  What I thought was good for me, may now be the culprit to why I have BC.  No history in my family but I am the 80% sporadic person to get it.  Crazy.  Cancer twice in my life!!  SMH

Dinner last night was very nice.  Met with Dexter and another child of mines, Tristan Thompson.  We laughed, talked about relationships in the NBA and I got some insider gossip about different NBA players.  (But if I tell, I might get a contract sent on me. LOL)  I am so proud of all my boys that I am close to achieve their dreams.  It makes me feel even more special since they all call me "Aunt Ev."  God knew I loved children and he has given me so many extended kids that love me a lot. This is one thing that warms my heart so much.

I learned one thing today is that each moment with loved ones is important.  What was once important last week, isn't so important today.  For me, all that is important is spending time with the ones you love and smiling thorough the storm!!  I have to keep telling myself, God has a plan!  Anxious to see that Plan!!

Southwest Airlines has brought me so many dear friends!!

Had dinner last night with a very special friend.  As always, she makes me smile. I thought when I saw her that she would have these sad puppy eyes but I was so wrong. The first thing she said to me was "I beat you here."  Funny, since I always beat her to our dinner spot when we have to meet. From the first day that I met her, she has brought a smile to my heart and makes me laugh.  Our conversation was light but heavy at times. Yet, she managed to keep me looking at the positive of me getting Breast Cancer.  A future testimony is what I will be.

Returned to work today and it was hard.  First, I have managed to walk in at the same time as another friend in my department that had Breast Cancer. Strange how on the same day I received the news that I had it, she had her last chemo treatment. I have been meeting up with her most of this bid not knowing that these past few mornings, I needed to see her.  God is funny how things work out and makes you wonder, "God was setting me up!!" She has been coaching me on what to expect. Another friend I work with has also been coaching me and makes me laugh.  She offered to go bald with me.  LOL.  I love her for making that offer.  Never realized that anyone would consider that just for me.  She then offered to loan me her wigs.  LOL  I can just imagine how I would look in them.

Went to cafeteria at work and Maria, my buddy, looked at me and said, "how are you today Evelyn?"  She caught me off guard and I said, "Not good Maria.  I have breast cancer."  Why do I blurt it out that way??  She started to tear up and then I felt bad.  I didn't want that.  I just wanted her to know why I was going to be gone for a month.  She then said, "I will pray and hold you close to my heart.  If you need me, I am here."

Had to tell a few more at work today about it.  It seems to get easier but then after I say it, my heart starts pumping and my head starts to hurt.  I want to tell everyone personally but it is starting to drain me.  I will send an email out once I tell Ron and then I will post this blog on Facebook.  I want to tell each and everyone what I am going through but it is starting to drain me. Another friend today, looked at my hair and said, "Girl, your hair is getting so long!" It made me want to cry right there.  She didn't know and I knew I had to tell her.  So I did and she just started to cry. Do people cry at first cause they think I am going to die???  Heck, I cried at first because that was my first thought.  So I understand and I told her that she can cry today but when I return to work, I only want smiles.  I am going to beat this Breast Cancer.  I know. it.

I am glad I am a hugger.  I have always been a hugger.  So when people are hugging me at work, it seems normal.  Normal to the ones who don't know yet.  If everyone knew in my department before I left, I couldn't handle it.  Just the few knowing is stressing me out cause I know they care about me but I am trying to be strong before the surgery.  It has been hard concentrating on my job since I found out.  My mind keeps wandering off and thinking about how will it be when I return.  Will everyone treat me the same or treat me like a handicap?? That scares me the most.  I wanted to do so much at Southwest Airlines and I hope this doesn't stop me.

I walked into the hallway to go to the bathroom and I saw my 2 friends (whom have had BC) and this other lady who I could tell right off had cancer.  Why at that very moment did I walk into them? I guess now I am officially in the Breast Cancer club.  I didn't want to join but I suppose I was force to!!  Now it is time for me to find out if this club is what it is suppose to be about. I hear there is a lot of love, togetherness and hope.  We all will share these traits and hopefully open let others know that they are not alone.  Unfortunately, I pray no one that I know has to join me in my club.  Not a membership that everyone wants!!

Last day at work tomorrow.  It will be very hard but luckily I get to help with the bid.  That should be fun and help keep my mind off things.  Trying to decide if I should do 10 hrs or 8 hrs.  I have to consider that I will be doing chemo and what will be best for me while doing it. Not sure but whatever I get, I will be happy.

Can't wait to go see Ron and just hang with my two kids.  Not a time to be sad but to enjoy each other's company.  I need to reassure Ron and Kristina that their Mom is going to be alright.  We got God and God knows how to heal! :)

On the another note, the Mavs beat the Heat.  2-2 now for both teams.  I just do not want the Mavs to win since they beat my Lakers.  So now, I have to go to work tomorrow and hear everyone's lip smack about the Mavs winning!!

Miami Heat beat the Dallas Mavs!!

Last night at the game was so fun!! People just don't get it.  I am a true Lakers fan.  Have been all my life. Growing up in Los Angeles, it is given.  My dad use to take me to the games to watch Magic Johnson.  Just supporting the Heat since the Mavs beat my Lakers. Game was close but I was so glad Heat won.  Just so I can rub in the faces of Dallas Mav fans that I know.  Because they sure rubbed it in my face when they beat the Lakers.

Woke up today feeling kinda anxious.  The closer it gets to June 15th, the more my mind wonders.  Went to my massage/facial appointment.  It was so relaxing.  As I was laying there on the table, it dawned on me that I won't be able to lay on my stomach for awhile.  Man, it just hit me again that my right boob will be gone in less than 9 days. Then, all of a sudden I got a vision of what I will feel when I wake from surgery. Will I want to look at it right away, will I be ashamed to let Dre and Kristina see or will I be ok with the removal of a part of me that I have since puberty??? Don't know the answer today but it sure scares me.

Had to go drop of my FMLA papers at doctor's office. They feel I will have to be off from work for 2 weeks to heal.  Man, I thought he said that I could return to work after 4 days.  Now, I am nervous.  I don't want to miss much work.  I don't have much sick time left. I just hope chemo isn't long.  Just praying that it won't be more intense that what I am thinking.

Ok, the hair thing.  Was talking with someone today and they asked that question, "How are you going to handle losing your hair??"  The ugly side of me wanted to answer, "How would you handle getting the news you have to have chemo and yes, you are going to lose all your hair???"  But the sweet side of me said, "I will just deal with it and buy lots of hats and big earrings."  Now, I am wondering if I am going to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes.  Now, that really scares me cause I don't know how long that will take to grow back.  Oh, man, I can't believe this is happening to me again.

I feel all the prayers going up and I need them.  It is like I have this prayer blanket wrapped around me.  I love it.  I love knowing that God has the final answer.  He is using me to have a testimony for someone in the future.  That thought makes me excited because I love helping others and this is going to be my chance to help someone later on who finds out they have breast cancer. I love that God is using me in that way.  This helps me to deal.

Looking forward to going to Florida Thursday.  I need this getaway to just focus on what I love and that is spending time with my children.  So once I talk to Ron, no talk about Breast Cancer, Chemo or anything.  Just want to go to the beach, Universal Studios, apartment shop for him and just hang out!!! I am spending 5 days focused on us!!

Evening with family...

Last night was wonderful.  Went to Victory Tavern with Dexter and got VIP treatment.  It is funny how spoiled that treatment makes you feel.  Yet, as I was sitting there, I kept thinking that I pray God gives me VIP during this whole journey.  At that moment, that is all that is important to me.  I just want to have favor.

My mind often went to other places. It is so strange how all of sudden, I notice hair on every woman. I have noticed that a lot of young African American women wear wigs. They walk around like it isn't such a big deal.  But, why do I feel it is.  I guess it is those dang stares that worry me.  I need to get over that real quick.

I am seeing how everyone that I speak with knows someone with Breast Cancer.  This disease is too widespread.  When I kick this, I need to get more involved with the Susan G. Komen organization. A cure needs to be found.  I guess I need to get into better shape so I can start doing the walks.  Crazy but now I need to form a Team Evelyn.  Wonder how many of my friends, would do it with me??

Going to Mav/Heat game tonight.  Can't wait.  Spending time with Dexter this weekend has been nice and has helped me not think so much about what I am about to partake.

10 days left with my boob and starting to get alittle sad about it.  Boob, life, boob, life.  I choose LIFE!!

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell.  ~Lance Armstrong

How important is hair..

Getting dressed to go hang out with Dexter Pittman and then to his party at the Victory Grill.  Big weekend in Dallas.  Mavericks play Dexter's team, the Heat and I hope the Heat blows them out.  This Laker fan wants anyone to blow the team that beat my Lakers in the playoff's.

Just blew my hair out and realized how long it had gotten.  It has taken me 20 years to get it this long. After my chemo and my hair is all gone, how am I going to feel bald.  Everyone says it isn't a big deal but do they really know unless they have gone bald!  I know people are trying to be nice but it freaks me out to think that I won't be able to use my Pantene shampoo and conditioner for awhile. I so love the smell. I guess I could rub it on my bald head.  :)  Soon, I will see how it truly feels when we say "beauty is only skin deep!!"  I guess what scares me the most will be when people stare at me and say, "She must have cancer."  I suppose I can stare back and say, "Hell, yeah, and I also have green eyes, a tattoo of a rose on my back and I fart kinda loud!"  :)

We will see how this hair thing pans out.  More on hair I know in the future.  Gotta go get my party clothes on.  I am wearing a very low shirt to show cleveage. I only have my right boob for 11 more days.  So I want to take her out and show her a few more good times before I lay her to rest!!  Tonight, bottles poppin and hanging with some of the people I love.  Hope she appreciates her last 11 days connected to my body!!

Woke up today with a smile!!

Today, I am not going to be depressed no more!! I just decided that I know that positive thought is a healer.  I know I will have bad days and good days but I must trust in God to see me to the end of this journey.  Ok, positive affirmation of the day: I will be a survivor of Breast Cancer!! Done. Now I can enjoy my day and stop thinking of what to expect tomorrow. So, all day I am going to say the word survivor and pray on it!!

‎"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." 

Return to work..

June 3 ~ Get up and go to work.  I knew it was going to be hard because I was going to have to see people that I care about and see the ones that I told. Mainly, the hard part is going to see the sadness in their eyes.  I can't stand that.  I hate to see others hurt especially if they are hurting for me.  Get there and tried to put on that fake smile when I was feeling so lost and sad inside.  Yet, it went well.  I learned on this day that my co-workers really love me and will be there for me.  I have the support that I need at work to help me make it through. I love Southwest Airlines and the family of friends that I have there.

Left work early to spend the evening with Dexter Pittman of the Miami Heat.  Dinner and laughter was what I needed to help get my mind off of things.

Never stay up all night reading medical sites...

June 2, 2011 ~ Didn't sleep a wink all night.  I read a million sites on breast cancer trying to prepare myself.  I read so much stuff that I had a headache and knew I was going to go to doctor's office and he was going to tell me that I had stage 5 breast cancer and I had 6 months to live.  It is possible. This is my second time with cancer.  Lately, I have been so depressed with so much that this was just something added to my list of depression.  Yet, I held on to my faith in God that maybe, just maybe it isn't as bad as I thought.

Kristina takes me to my appointment.  Andre wanted to go but I just told him that it will be fine and I will call him as soon as I leave.

Get to doctor's office and sit there in silence with Kristina.  She is scared and so am I.  Dr. Floyd calls us in and I hear what I didn't want to hear.  "Evelyn, you have breast cancer. There is a solid lump that is malignant and some areas where it is spreading!!"  Phase I of shock starting.  Then I say, "Ok Doc, now what???"  He says, "Well, we need to remove your whole right breast and have you do chemo after that!" My silly question after that was, "Will I lose my hair??"  He says, "About 99% of people do." Phase II of shock. At the moment, I think I blanked out for a minute as tears fell.

I said, "Do I have to have it removed?" He says, "Do you want to live?"  Yes, I want to live.  Without boob or without hair, I want to live.  I know I am not finished with what I need to do in this life.  Dr. Floyd says that it is early and that with removal and chemo, I should be just fine.  Yet, I am depending on God to make this true.  So please God, don't fail me now.

Go home and wait on Andre to get there.  I cry, I scream, I think and I image my body without a boob and no hair.  Yet, I never asked "Why me God??" Instead, "Why not ME??"  My faith is so strong in God that I know that he doesn't put too much on us that we can't handle.  What I am about to go through is going to help someone else down the road. I just know it.

So, Andre comes home, I tell him everything doctor says.  And all he can say is "We will get through it baby.  I don't care if you have no hair, no arms, no legs or nothing, as long as I have you and your wonderful spirit."  Then he says, "Plus, I have always wanted to date a bald sexy chick!!"  LOL Gotta love him..