#teamevelynclaimingvictory

It has been a few days since I last wrote anything.  Not really much to write about.  Since Monday, I haven't done much but lay around.  My body is so drained and I am tired.  I didn't realize that chemo was going to do this to me.  I knew I would be fatigued but I didn't realize that it would be like this.  I have tried to return to work each day but have not been able to accomplish this yet.  It is starting to make me very sad.  I want to return to work and get back to what I use to do.  I want my routine to be the way it was.  I am really getting tired of laying around the house. I have no energy to even fold a laundry basket of clothes.  I was told to try to walk around more.  I do but then it tires me out.  I feel like I run a marathon with everything I do.  I need to get back to work not only for my well being but for financial reasons.  My husband tells me not to worry about money and just to worry about getting better.  But how can I not worry about money? He tells me to trust in God to get us through.  So that is what I am doing.  Trusting in God!!  God hasn't lead me wrong yet.

Sitting around, you have a lot of time to think.  I think about so much.  I realize how blessed I am.  Even though things are different and my life has taken a side road, I still have so many blessings around me.  My husband, my children, my friends, and my extended children keep my spirits up with their love.  This has made this journey so much easier for me.  On my days when I am down, it is like clockwork, I will get a message from someone that lifts me back up.  I hope everyone knows how important they are to me and how I so appreciate everyone holding me up.

I have my next chemo treatment next week.  It seems like as soon as my body might be feeling better, then I am hit with another chemo treatment.  I am just wondering if it is going to be as bad as the first one.  I hope not.  I am starting to get nervous for it already.  I know what to expect and that is why I am so nervous about it.  My son, Ron will be here visiting.  He wants to take me to my chemo session.  I am glad but on the other hand, I don't know if I want him to see me sick afterwards.  It is very hard on me physically.  It was hard for Kristina to watch her Mom so sick and she is tough.  My son is a strong man but I am his mother and he hates to see me hurt or sad.  So I am praying that God gives him strength to deal with it.  I don't like to see worry in my children's eyes.  It makes me sad.  I love them so much and I just want to always see joy in their eyes.

I am aware that my hair can start falling out any day now.  I am waiting.  I tug each day to see if it comes out.  I haven't seen any yet.  Now, I am wondering if I should cut my hair short or just wait.  Should I go buy hats now or just wait.  I decided early on that I was not going to wear a wig.  No wig for me!!  If I have no hair, than I am going to just wear a hat or scarves.  I have never liked fake hair for myself.  That is just me.  I am trying to decide should I get fake eyelashes once mine fall out.  Not sure yet.  But maybe.  I know I will lose my eyebrows and I don't know if I am going to draw them on or not.  I am not sure. Too many decisions about hair.  But I have to think about it.  Losing hair is a major part of chemo and probably the part that freaks out women the most.  We are vain and hair is important to us.  It was very important to me at the beginning of this breast cancer but that isn't so now.  What is important is life and loving people.  What use to be important to me isn't so important anymore.  Cancer definitely gives you a new perspective on life.  I love life, I appreciate life, I value life and I will live life!!

I am excited because Ron comes home this weekend.  I am happy!!  I will have both my children home and that is what makes me happy.  That is what it is all about.  I am such a silly Mom!  Whenever Ron comes home, I cook a Thanksgiving dinner for him.  Since he lives away, that is what he loves me to cook.  So when he called me the other day, I told him I would cook it for him on Sunday.  He said, "Mom, you don't have to.  I know you are tired."  The crazy part is, he is right.  I didn't even realize what I was saying.  I am too tired.  I haven't cooked a meal in over a month.  It takes too much out of me to stand at the stove.  I just wanted to be like the Mom he is use to coming home to see.  The Mom that hangs out and goes to the movies, the Mom that cooks all his favorite dishes, the Mom that has all this energy and then some.  I just want to be her.  But this time, I won't be able to. This Mom will be a little different physically but I am the same Mom in spirit.  My heart is the same and it gives out the same love. I will be the Mom he remembers once this chemo is all over and I begin to heal.  2011 I faced many challenges but 2012 will be different.  I am claiming victory and I am claiming power over my life!  I am waiting on God's plan to take effect and when it does, I will be ready!!