I sit here tonight with a very happy heart!!! Happy because I am watching a movie with Andre, Ron and Kristina! My family. The three people that I know will always be in my life and will never betray me or leave me. It is comforting how that makes me feel. People have come and gone from my life but I know that these three will always be here with God willing. I have so much support from outside of these three and I so appreciate it but having the support of my immediate three helps tremendously!! It just makes this journey of mines so much easier. It gives me that fighting feeling. I have to fight this disease for them. Yes, I need to fight it for me but I HAVE to fight it for them. They need me and want me around. This I know for sure.
Yesterday was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up a little nauseous and light headed. Crawl out of bed and take pain and nauseous pills to help me get through my morning. I attempt to try and move around a little more. I was being told that this might build up my energy level. It doesn't. I tried to wash and fold clothes. I attempt to do it but it tires me out so much. I get so frustrated because I want to be able to move around more. I get mad at myself because I know of two friends at work that were able to work between their chemo treatments. Why can't I do it?? What is so wrong with me?? I take myself to the internet to read other cancer patient blogs to see if this is normal. Well, after reading multiple blog entry's, I see that everyone has similar situations but each is somewhat different. So, I come to the conclusion that I won't question why I am being affected by chemo the way I am. This is my body and I am dealing with it. I am not no one else and I just need to concentrate and worry about getting healthier and getting rest. The key to chemo is rest between treatments. I am getting lots and lots of rest!
Today, I woke up really early. It was like Christmas morning for a six year old. Today, my son was flying home to spend the next few weeks with us. This excites me. I love when he comes home. It gives me so much joy to have both my kids at home. It brings back memories of how peaceful life can be when we are all together. When your kids are little, we take for granted that they will always be around and in the home. However, when they grow up and move away, you look forward to the times they return and you can be a family like when they were little. All day I have just looked at them and smiled. Now I always do this when they are around but today was different. Much different. The one thing that having breast cancer has taught me was to slow down and look at life with different eyes. I now cherish every moment of my life. I will never take a moment for granted. I have learned that life can be short and I don't want to waste a minute of it without appreciating it.
Spent the majority of the day just enjoying my family. We went to dinner and it was nice. It was nice to be able to share this time with them and just hear them talk about their lives. I would always listen to them talk but it was different. I lingered on each sentence and really listened to each word. To hear my son talk about law school with so much enthusiasm and joy was nice. To hear my daughter talk of her dreams of making her job a career pleased me. I sat there and looked at them and felt so proud. It hasn't always been easy raising two kids but so worth it as I look at them now. I couldn't be more in awe of them both than I am now. Just listening to Andre and appreciating my husband is elevated since I got breast cancer. He has been my rock and main support. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. God set my life up and put the right people in place for just this time in my life.
God has had a hand in this journey from day one. I have always believed in God and had faith, yet it is deeper now. God has heard the prayers and continues to offer blessings. I am forever thankful for all the positive things that are happening in my life. The first day I learned of my diagnosis, I was upset but it didn't last long. Mostly upset because of the shock of learning. However, I knew I had to trust in God to get through it. I had to trust in God in a deeper way. My faith has carried me from that moment on and it will continue to carry me. It is that faith that allows me to dream of my future without breast cancer. I see a future so bright. I see a future where I am giving back and helping other women. A future where I am inspiring others to feel good about themselves. I believe this is what God is wanting me to do in a more wider range than what I am doing now. The beauty of this is that I am ready to serve the way God intends me to do.
Tonight, I am happy and I feel so blessed!! No, I didn't get a financial windfall. No, I didn't get a new car. No, I didn't get a promotion at work. No, I didn't get approved for loan. I am blessed because I am sitting in my living room surrounded by three of the people that love me unconditionally and love me just for me. I couldn't ask for more than this. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate simple pleasures!! The simple pleasures of love of family!! Just sitting here with Andre, Ron and Kristina is the best feeling and looking at them is a blessing. The blessing of life and being with the ones you love can't be beat by nothing else!!
About Me
- Evelyn
- Grand Prairie, Texas, United States
- My thoughts and feelings on my journey with Breast Cancer. A place where I can release what I am thinking so I don't get all bottled up. A place where my loved ones can come and understand what I am going through.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
#teamevelynclaimingvictory
It has been a few days since I last wrote anything. Not really much to write about. Since Monday, I haven't done much but lay around. My body is so drained and I am tired. I didn't realize that chemo was going to do this to me. I knew I would be fatigued but I didn't realize that it would be like this. I have tried to return to work each day but have not been able to accomplish this yet. It is starting to make me very sad. I want to return to work and get back to what I use to do. I want my routine to be the way it was. I am really getting tired of laying around the house. I have no energy to even fold a laundry basket of clothes. I was told to try to walk around more. I do but then it tires me out. I feel like I run a marathon with everything I do. I need to get back to work not only for my well being but for financial reasons. My husband tells me not to worry about money and just to worry about getting better. But how can I not worry about money? He tells me to trust in God to get us through. So that is what I am doing. Trusting in God!! God hasn't lead me wrong yet.
Sitting around, you have a lot of time to think. I think about so much. I realize how blessed I am. Even though things are different and my life has taken a side road, I still have so many blessings around me. My husband, my children, my friends, and my extended children keep my spirits up with their love. This has made this journey so much easier for me. On my days when I am down, it is like clockwork, I will get a message from someone that lifts me back up. I hope everyone knows how important they are to me and how I so appreciate everyone holding me up.
I have my next chemo treatment next week. It seems like as soon as my body might be feeling better, then I am hit with another chemo treatment. I am just wondering if it is going to be as bad as the first one. I hope not. I am starting to get nervous for it already. I know what to expect and that is why I am so nervous about it. My son, Ron will be here visiting. He wants to take me to my chemo session. I am glad but on the other hand, I don't know if I want him to see me sick afterwards. It is very hard on me physically. It was hard for Kristina to watch her Mom so sick and she is tough. My son is a strong man but I am his mother and he hates to see me hurt or sad. So I am praying that God gives him strength to deal with it. I don't like to see worry in my children's eyes. It makes me sad. I love them so much and I just want to always see joy in their eyes.
I am aware that my hair can start falling out any day now. I am waiting. I tug each day to see if it comes out. I haven't seen any yet. Now, I am wondering if I should cut my hair short or just wait. Should I go buy hats now or just wait. I decided early on that I was not going to wear a wig. No wig for me!! If I have no hair, than I am going to just wear a hat or scarves. I have never liked fake hair for myself. That is just me. I am trying to decide should I get fake eyelashes once mine fall out. Not sure yet. But maybe. I know I will lose my eyebrows and I don't know if I am going to draw them on or not. I am not sure. Too many decisions about hair. But I have to think about it. Losing hair is a major part of chemo and probably the part that freaks out women the most. We are vain and hair is important to us. It was very important to me at the beginning of this breast cancer but that isn't so now. What is important is life and loving people. What use to be important to me isn't so important anymore. Cancer definitely gives you a new perspective on life. I love life, I appreciate life, I value life and I will live life!!
I am excited because Ron comes home this weekend. I am happy!! I will have both my children home and that is what makes me happy. That is what it is all about. I am such a silly Mom! Whenever Ron comes home, I cook a Thanksgiving dinner for him. Since he lives away, that is what he loves me to cook. So when he called me the other day, I told him I would cook it for him on Sunday. He said, "Mom, you don't have to. I know you are tired." The crazy part is, he is right. I didn't even realize what I was saying. I am too tired. I haven't cooked a meal in over a month. It takes too much out of me to stand at the stove. I just wanted to be like the Mom he is use to coming home to see. The Mom that hangs out and goes to the movies, the Mom that cooks all his favorite dishes, the Mom that has all this energy and then some. I just want to be her. But this time, I won't be able to. This Mom will be a little different physically but I am the same Mom in spirit. My heart is the same and it gives out the same love. I will be the Mom he remembers once this chemo is all over and I begin to heal. 2011 I faced many challenges but 2012 will be different. I am claiming victory and I am claiming power over my life! I am waiting on God's plan to take effect and when it does, I will be ready!!
Sitting around, you have a lot of time to think. I think about so much. I realize how blessed I am. Even though things are different and my life has taken a side road, I still have so many blessings around me. My husband, my children, my friends, and my extended children keep my spirits up with their love. This has made this journey so much easier for me. On my days when I am down, it is like clockwork, I will get a message from someone that lifts me back up. I hope everyone knows how important they are to me and how I so appreciate everyone holding me up.
I have my next chemo treatment next week. It seems like as soon as my body might be feeling better, then I am hit with another chemo treatment. I am just wondering if it is going to be as bad as the first one. I hope not. I am starting to get nervous for it already. I know what to expect and that is why I am so nervous about it. My son, Ron will be here visiting. He wants to take me to my chemo session. I am glad but on the other hand, I don't know if I want him to see me sick afterwards. It is very hard on me physically. It was hard for Kristina to watch her Mom so sick and she is tough. My son is a strong man but I am his mother and he hates to see me hurt or sad. So I am praying that God gives him strength to deal with it. I don't like to see worry in my children's eyes. It makes me sad. I love them so much and I just want to always see joy in their eyes.
I am aware that my hair can start falling out any day now. I am waiting. I tug each day to see if it comes out. I haven't seen any yet. Now, I am wondering if I should cut my hair short or just wait. Should I go buy hats now or just wait. I decided early on that I was not going to wear a wig. No wig for me!! If I have no hair, than I am going to just wear a hat or scarves. I have never liked fake hair for myself. That is just me. I am trying to decide should I get fake eyelashes once mine fall out. Not sure yet. But maybe. I know I will lose my eyebrows and I don't know if I am going to draw them on or not. I am not sure. Too many decisions about hair. But I have to think about it. Losing hair is a major part of chemo and probably the part that freaks out women the most. We are vain and hair is important to us. It was very important to me at the beginning of this breast cancer but that isn't so now. What is important is life and loving people. What use to be important to me isn't so important anymore. Cancer definitely gives you a new perspective on life. I love life, I appreciate life, I value life and I will live life!!
I am excited because Ron comes home this weekend. I am happy!! I will have both my children home and that is what makes me happy. That is what it is all about. I am such a silly Mom! Whenever Ron comes home, I cook a Thanksgiving dinner for him. Since he lives away, that is what he loves me to cook. So when he called me the other day, I told him I would cook it for him on Sunday. He said, "Mom, you don't have to. I know you are tired." The crazy part is, he is right. I didn't even realize what I was saying. I am too tired. I haven't cooked a meal in over a month. It takes too much out of me to stand at the stove. I just wanted to be like the Mom he is use to coming home to see. The Mom that hangs out and goes to the movies, the Mom that cooks all his favorite dishes, the Mom that has all this energy and then some. I just want to be her. But this time, I won't be able to. This Mom will be a little different physically but I am the same Mom in spirit. My heart is the same and it gives out the same love. I will be the Mom he remembers once this chemo is all over and I begin to heal. 2011 I faced many challenges but 2012 will be different. I am claiming victory and I am claiming power over my life! I am waiting on God's plan to take effect and when it does, I will be ready!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Today I am sad!
Today is Monday and I sit here feeling weird. I haven't been able to get up and do much today. My body is so worn out. Worn out from what?? I am not sure. I spent the weekend resting. I did run a few errands but nothing too major. I didn't work out or anything. I didn't do any strenuous activities. But I lay here in bed EXHAUSTED. I wanted to do some things around the house before I attempted to return to work tomorrow. But the way that I am feeling today tells me that work is a no go again. I hear of others getting chemo and being down for a few days. I work with a few girls that had chemo and was able to work through it. Why is it affecting me this way? There stories inspired me and gave me the hope that my treatments weren't going to be so bad. I was hoping there stories would be my story. Yet, I was very wrong. This is MY story and I am being affected totally different. I am 48 years old and I feel like I am 70 years old. My body is so tired. At church, I was trying so hard to stand and worship but I couldn't. I had to sit down like the other elderly in church. This sadden me. Am I suppose to be this weak and drained?? I am normally pretty active. Not in the best condition but the energy to move around. Now, it takes all of me to move from place to place. I now get to a room and look for the first available seat so I can sit down. I get so tired.
Today isn't a good day for me. I am somewhat depressed and a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I feel very blessed and so very thankful but I have my days. Today is that day. I want to be better today. I want to not be so sick. I want to be able to go to work and do my job. I want to be able to clean my house. I want to be able vacuum. I want to be able to hop on a plane and go somewhere. I just want to be ME without being so sickly. Unfortunately, this is the way I am for now. I know this isn't forever but for today, this is what I want. I have maintained positivity and have continued to smile each day. It is just sometimes, it hits me and I feel sad.
I am on anti-depressants for sweats. Pain pills for pain. Antibiotics for infections. Between these mixtures, I have problems at night sleeping. I have not slept a full 8 hours in weeks. I sleep 3 hours wake up. Sleep 2 hours wake up. Andre is now telling me that I am literally talking in my sleep. Not just a word or two. But holding full conversations with whomever I am dreaming about. He says that it is so bad, that he knows what I am dreaming because I am talking out loud about it. But the sad thing is that I cannot stop any of the meds or I will be too sick and not able to cope. So I guess I will continue this bad habit until I can be done with the pills. SMH
This is so hard on me. My mind tells me that I am well but my body is saying a different story. I feel good and try to do other things but then I get so exhausted and have to chill out. I am not trying to rush things but I want to be better sooner than later. I am very strong and very motivated. I have the power in me to get through it but I am learning that I have to slow down. Something that I am not very good at. I am a fast paced kinda girl. I have never liked to be patient or wait on things. However, this has taught me the importance of patience.
So today, isn't a good day for me. I know I will be better tomorrow. I know I will be better once chemo is all done. I just need to be able to get through chemo and the side effects. I am praying that my next session isn't so hard on me. I just pray that I am get better sooner. In the mean time, I must concentrate on each day and getting better that day. One day at time. I am learning that I need to only worry about each hour of the day. I have to slow down and not try to rush myself. I want to be back to 100% and I want to look back on this time and be happy that I was able to fight my way back up to the top of my game!!
Today isn't a good day for me. I am somewhat depressed and a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I feel very blessed and so very thankful but I have my days. Today is that day. I want to be better today. I want to not be so sick. I want to be able to go to work and do my job. I want to be able to clean my house. I want to be able vacuum. I want to be able to hop on a plane and go somewhere. I just want to be ME without being so sickly. Unfortunately, this is the way I am for now. I know this isn't forever but for today, this is what I want. I have maintained positivity and have continued to smile each day. It is just sometimes, it hits me and I feel sad.
I am on anti-depressants for sweats. Pain pills for pain. Antibiotics for infections. Between these mixtures, I have problems at night sleeping. I have not slept a full 8 hours in weeks. I sleep 3 hours wake up. Sleep 2 hours wake up. Andre is now telling me that I am literally talking in my sleep. Not just a word or two. But holding full conversations with whomever I am dreaming about. He says that it is so bad, that he knows what I am dreaming because I am talking out loud about it. But the sad thing is that I cannot stop any of the meds or I will be too sick and not able to cope. So I guess I will continue this bad habit until I can be done with the pills. SMH
This is so hard on me. My mind tells me that I am well but my body is saying a different story. I feel good and try to do other things but then I get so exhausted and have to chill out. I am not trying to rush things but I want to be better sooner than later. I am very strong and very motivated. I have the power in me to get through it but I am learning that I have to slow down. Something that I am not very good at. I am a fast paced kinda girl. I have never liked to be patient or wait on things. However, this has taught me the importance of patience.
So today, isn't a good day for me. I know I will be better tomorrow. I know I will be better once chemo is all done. I just need to be able to get through chemo and the side effects. I am praying that my next session isn't so hard on me. I just pray that I am get better sooner. In the mean time, I must concentrate on each day and getting better that day. One day at time. I am learning that I need to only worry about each hour of the day. I have to slow down and not try to rush myself. I want to be back to 100% and I want to look back on this time and be happy that I was able to fight my way back up to the top of my game!!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Peaceful Warrior!
Man, time flies when you are having fun!! So not true. I wasn't having any fun these past few days. It has been HELL!! I am not going to lie. Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water, I got bit by another Great White Shark! LOL. Thursday, I woke up feeling a little better but as the day progressed, I started to get body aches and pains. They were intense and I couldn't relieve it. I laid around in a curled up position and cried all day. I just waited for Andre to come home from work so that he could take me to the clinic to get my blood work drawn. I was getting a slight fever on this day and getting the chills. By the time Andre got home, I was very sickly. Also, I started to get this lower back pain that was excruciating like when I was having labor pains many years ago. Andre takes me to the clinic and I literally felt like crawling into the doctor office to get my blood work drawn. The nurses look at me and ask me how I am feeling. How am I feeling!?!?!? I feel like death I wanted to say. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I feel like slapping anyone in way from the pain I was feeling. But that isn't what I said. I just looked at her started crying and said that chemo was really awful. After reviewing my blood work, and seeing that everything was OK, they said that I would be fine in a few days. A few days, I ask myself?? How am I going to make it through today?? Well, the doctor prescribes me yet more pain pills and an antibiotic for the diarrhea. More pills to swallow. No, I am not being cynical or even complaining about it, but at some point, everyone gets tired of taking pills.
Andre takes me home and gets me to bed. He then leaves to go fill my prescriptions. It is during this time, that the back pain worsen. OMG!!! I laid and cried like a baby and wanted it to go away. The sharp pains and the sharp tinges were horrible. All I could do was start praying to God. So, I just lay there and prayed, prayed and prayed. By the time Andre got back with pain pills, I was a ball of mess. I took the pain pill and waited for about 10 minutes. Finally, the pain started to subside. I was able to rest peacefully the rest of the night. Thank you God for creating pain pills!! :)
Well, woke up this morning and just looked around. I was trying to see if I felt anything. No pain, no nausea, no nothing. Can this be true, I ask myself? Am I really not feeling anything? I get up and go to the bathroom. Still no feeling of what I had the day before. This was the seventh day after chemo and I actually felt like a human being and not a zombie!! Seven days it took for chemo to attack my body. And did it attack it. However, the more it attacked me, the more I fought it. I started this journey stating that I was a fighter and that I was going to win this battle with cancer. My day went smooth. I left the house for awhile with Andre. That was nice. Too much of an excursion tends to wear me out but I have to try and build up my energy level. Eating is still a chore for me. I can't eat much. Kinda like having gastric bypass. Cancer is definitely the new diet. Nothing really sounds good to me but Cap'n Crunch. I am trying to eat more vegetables and fruits. I am really trying to live a more healthy lifestyle. Today was a good day and I know tomorrow will be a better day. I have a few weeks before my next treatment. I am curious if it will take me out the same way. Won't know that answer until I go through it. I just know that whatever happens, I can handle it. After this last week, I think I can about handle anything. No one will really understand how HARD this week was on me. No one will really know how I had to fight to even drink a glass of water when my mouth had sores and it was painful. No one will really understand how it feels to have a pain so bad that for a quick moment, wished you were dead so you wouldn't have to feel it. This is my chemo experience and I am the only one that really knows how this past week was. It is only between me, myself and I. But what makes me the most proud of myself is that I went through this week and I am able to sit here now typing about it with a smile!! Three more sessions to go. Am I ready?? Heck yeah, I am ready!! Bring it on because at the end of the day, it is only mind over matter!!
The other night, I watched this movie, "Peaceful Warrior." Kristina said the lead character reminded her of me. Basically, it was about a young gymnast who was competing to get to the Olympics and accidentally breaks his leg in a motorcycle wreck. It showed how he was able to make a comeback by believing in himself. That the will to survive is in all of us. It isn't outside in the world, it is deep within our soul. I suppose I am a Peaceful Warrior. I have to believe that I will beat this each day and that I have the power deep down to do it!! :)
Andre takes me home and gets me to bed. He then leaves to go fill my prescriptions. It is during this time, that the back pain worsen. OMG!!! I laid and cried like a baby and wanted it to go away. The sharp pains and the sharp tinges were horrible. All I could do was start praying to God. So, I just lay there and prayed, prayed and prayed. By the time Andre got back with pain pills, I was a ball of mess. I took the pain pill and waited for about 10 minutes. Finally, the pain started to subside. I was able to rest peacefully the rest of the night. Thank you God for creating pain pills!! :)
Well, woke up this morning and just looked around. I was trying to see if I felt anything. No pain, no nausea, no nothing. Can this be true, I ask myself? Am I really not feeling anything? I get up and go to the bathroom. Still no feeling of what I had the day before. This was the seventh day after chemo and I actually felt like a human being and not a zombie!! Seven days it took for chemo to attack my body. And did it attack it. However, the more it attacked me, the more I fought it. I started this journey stating that I was a fighter and that I was going to win this battle with cancer. My day went smooth. I left the house for awhile with Andre. That was nice. Too much of an excursion tends to wear me out but I have to try and build up my energy level. Eating is still a chore for me. I can't eat much. Kinda like having gastric bypass. Cancer is definitely the new diet. Nothing really sounds good to me but Cap'n Crunch. I am trying to eat more vegetables and fruits. I am really trying to live a more healthy lifestyle. Today was a good day and I know tomorrow will be a better day. I have a few weeks before my next treatment. I am curious if it will take me out the same way. Won't know that answer until I go through it. I just know that whatever happens, I can handle it. After this last week, I think I can about handle anything. No one will really understand how HARD this week was on me. No one will really know how I had to fight to even drink a glass of water when my mouth had sores and it was painful. No one will really understand how it feels to have a pain so bad that for a quick moment, wished you were dead so you wouldn't have to feel it. This is my chemo experience and I am the only one that really knows how this past week was. It is only between me, myself and I. But what makes me the most proud of myself is that I went through this week and I am able to sit here now typing about it with a smile!! Three more sessions to go. Am I ready?? Heck yeah, I am ready!! Bring it on because at the end of the day, it is only mind over matter!!
The other night, I watched this movie, "Peaceful Warrior." Kristina said the lead character reminded her of me. Basically, it was about a young gymnast who was competing to get to the Olympics and accidentally breaks his leg in a motorcycle wreck. It showed how he was able to make a comeback by believing in himself. That the will to survive is in all of us. It isn't outside in the world, it is deep within our soul. I suppose I am a Peaceful Warrior. I have to believe that I will beat this each day and that I have the power deep down to do it!! :)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Chemo knocked me out!!
Well, getting chemo wasn't so bad for the first two days. I woke up Sunday morning, went to church, had a wonderful lunch with family and went home to rest. At about 3:00 p.m., chemo hit me like bricks. I started to feel tired and I started to get pale. All I wanted to do was lay around the rest of the day. My appetite started to leave that evening and nothing sounded good to me. I think I only ate some cereal for dinner. I took a nausea pill and went to bed fairly early.
Woke up Monday morning, feeling like I was in a bad car accident. My head hurt, my mouth was sore, my body was aching, my stomach was queasy, my fingers/toes were tingling and I couldn't even barely move. Going to the bathroom was a chore. Dre said I looked pale and all I wanted to do was lay, lay, lay. I spent the whole day laying on the couch and only moving to go to the bathroom. Each time I got up I was dizzy and feeling very sick. I was so fooled the first few days. I thought I was stronger than the chemo but chemo showed me that I was incorrect. Monday is actually a blur to me since all I did was lay. I couldn't eat. I didn't want to eat. I couldn't even type on the computer. I did not want to sit up for nothing. I just wanted to be still. Each movement hurt. I had to go get a shot to help rebuild my red blood cells. The nurse told me that this shot was going to probably make me feel even worse the next day. Well, gee thanks!! How much worse can I feel?? I go home, crawl back into bed and go to sleep.
Woke up Tuesday morning feeling like CRAP!! My mouth was now covered in white film and some sores. I had NO taste buds whatsoever and I felt like just dying. My bones were aching and I kept getting these pain twitches. What the heck was going on. I really don't remember much from this day. I just popped pain pills and pills for nausea. I couldn't eat anything because nothing had taste for me. I was able to manage to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But that was a chore in itself. I knew I had to eat something to try and get energy level up. This day was also a blur to me.
Today, I started to feel a little better. Better in the since that I can sit up for a while. I did get another side effect. The wonderful diarrhea. Slowly, I seem to be getting many of the side effects expected. But I will have to deal with it the best I can. So here I sit in bed typing away how I feel. All I can say is that CANCER and CHEMO suck. It is the hardest thing to have to go through. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. I am so tired and hopefully, tomorrow, I will feel better. I am just ready to be myself. I know this is going to be a hard time for me but I am going to fight cancer. You can't reason with cancer and you can't let cancer win. You have to fight it every step of the way. I am going to kick and scream and not let the ugly cancer take me out. I am going to show cancer who the boss is, ME!!
Woke up Monday morning, feeling like I was in a bad car accident. My head hurt, my mouth was sore, my body was aching, my stomach was queasy, my fingers/toes were tingling and I couldn't even barely move. Going to the bathroom was a chore. Dre said I looked pale and all I wanted to do was lay, lay, lay. I spent the whole day laying on the couch and only moving to go to the bathroom. Each time I got up I was dizzy and feeling very sick. I was so fooled the first few days. I thought I was stronger than the chemo but chemo showed me that I was incorrect. Monday is actually a blur to me since all I did was lay. I couldn't eat. I didn't want to eat. I couldn't even type on the computer. I did not want to sit up for nothing. I just wanted to be still. Each movement hurt. I had to go get a shot to help rebuild my red blood cells. The nurse told me that this shot was going to probably make me feel even worse the next day. Well, gee thanks!! How much worse can I feel?? I go home, crawl back into bed and go to sleep.
Woke up Tuesday morning feeling like CRAP!! My mouth was now covered in white film and some sores. I had NO taste buds whatsoever and I felt like just dying. My bones were aching and I kept getting these pain twitches. What the heck was going on. I really don't remember much from this day. I just popped pain pills and pills for nausea. I couldn't eat anything because nothing had taste for me. I was able to manage to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But that was a chore in itself. I knew I had to eat something to try and get energy level up. This day was also a blur to me.
Today, I started to feel a little better. Better in the since that I can sit up for a while. I did get another side effect. The wonderful diarrhea. Slowly, I seem to be getting many of the side effects expected. But I will have to deal with it the best I can. So here I sit in bed typing away how I feel. All I can say is that CANCER and CHEMO suck. It is the hardest thing to have to go through. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. I am so tired and hopefully, tomorrow, I will feel better. I am just ready to be myself. I know this is going to be a hard time for me but I am going to fight cancer. You can't reason with cancer and you can't let cancer win. You have to fight it every step of the way. I am going to kick and scream and not let the ugly cancer take me out. I am going to show cancer who the boss is, ME!!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
First Chemo Treatment wasn't so bad!
Dre and I arrived at clinic about an hour earlier than needed. I wasn't really excited but I wanted to get it over with. We walk into the waiting area and sign in. I came prepared with laptop, movies, candy, blanket, socks to cover my feet, snacks for Dre and magazines. I was told it would take about 3 hours and that these items would make the time past faster.
I first have to to take blood work. They want to make sure that my blood count was okay. It was and then I had to wait to get my chemo drugs. When it was my time, they called us back to this cold sitting room with recliners and IV drip poles. We both got comfortable and I waited for the nurse to put my IV in. She was really good and it wasn't painful at all. She first had to give me a nausea med, a steroid for inflammation and benedryl for any allergic reaction. I watched each fluid drip into my IV and into my body. When this was done, she started my chemo drugs. I take 2 different ones. She put the first drug in it took about 40 minutes to drip into my body. Then she gave me the next one and it took about an hour to drip. This second drug is the one that will give me 100% hair loss. I was actually cursing this fluid as it dripped into my body. LOL I slept most of the time since the benedryl makes you sleepy. I didn't watch movie, eat any snacks or used laptop. It wasn't so bad. I kept waiting for a reaction but none came. Dre just sat patiently with me. He actually slept most of the time. I did wake up for awhile to tell him to stop snoring. LOL Gotta love him.
After treatment was all over, we came back and I sat down to watch some TV with Dre and Kristina. I ate a bowl of Captain Crunch. That was all I really wanted. Then, I started to get sleepy. I was very tired after my treatment and all I wanted to do was sleep. I took my last dose of evening pills and I went to sleep. I slept like a baby all night. :)
Woke up this morning felling wonderful!! There was no nausea, no vomiting and no aching body. I did have a slight headache. This felt weird to me since the last time I had chemo, I felt HORRIBLE the next day. It was the worse things ever. I remember vomiting clear fluid because I wasn't able to eat anything. I will never forget how bad it was. But today, it was so different. I got up, ate cereal, took my morning pills and then got dressed. As I walked around, I kept waiting for something to feel funny but it didn't. Dre and I ran an errand to the store and I felt good. We went to eat my favorite restaurant and I got some healthy vietnamese food. But after about an hour, I started to feel sleepy and needed to get back home. I came home and got right into the bed. I have slept the whole day. Now I am up and still not feeling any nausea or vomiting. This is amazing and I can't believe it. This is so different than the last time. As I sit here, I wait to see a side effect. But I am being positive that I will get through it all with God's help. God has been carrying me and I know it. I feel so blessed with all the support that I am receiving that it makes me so happy.
It is Saturday night, I just ate some watermelon with Dre and now we are about to watch a movie. I feel good and I love life. I am excited to get thorough this chemo and finish it. I can't wait to complete this process and start the healing process. So one down and three more to go!! I can't wait until I can write that I just finished my last treatment!! :) I am confident that I am going to be alright and that cancer will be a thing of the past for me. I am a fighter, a survivor and a believer!! I am really proud of myself!! :)
I first have to to take blood work. They want to make sure that my blood count was okay. It was and then I had to wait to get my chemo drugs. When it was my time, they called us back to this cold sitting room with recliners and IV drip poles. We both got comfortable and I waited for the nurse to put my IV in. She was really good and it wasn't painful at all. She first had to give me a nausea med, a steroid for inflammation and benedryl for any allergic reaction. I watched each fluid drip into my IV and into my body. When this was done, she started my chemo drugs. I take 2 different ones. She put the first drug in it took about 40 minutes to drip into my body. Then she gave me the next one and it took about an hour to drip. This second drug is the one that will give me 100% hair loss. I was actually cursing this fluid as it dripped into my body. LOL I slept most of the time since the benedryl makes you sleepy. I didn't watch movie, eat any snacks or used laptop. It wasn't so bad. I kept waiting for a reaction but none came. Dre just sat patiently with me. He actually slept most of the time. I did wake up for awhile to tell him to stop snoring. LOL Gotta love him.
After treatment was all over, we came back and I sat down to watch some TV with Dre and Kristina. I ate a bowl of Captain Crunch. That was all I really wanted. Then, I started to get sleepy. I was very tired after my treatment and all I wanted to do was sleep. I took my last dose of evening pills and I went to sleep. I slept like a baby all night. :)
Woke up this morning felling wonderful!! There was no nausea, no vomiting and no aching body. I did have a slight headache. This felt weird to me since the last time I had chemo, I felt HORRIBLE the next day. It was the worse things ever. I remember vomiting clear fluid because I wasn't able to eat anything. I will never forget how bad it was. But today, it was so different. I got up, ate cereal, took my morning pills and then got dressed. As I walked around, I kept waiting for something to feel funny but it didn't. Dre and I ran an errand to the store and I felt good. We went to eat my favorite restaurant and I got some healthy vietnamese food. But after about an hour, I started to feel sleepy and needed to get back home. I came home and got right into the bed. I have slept the whole day. Now I am up and still not feeling any nausea or vomiting. This is amazing and I can't believe it. This is so different than the last time. As I sit here, I wait to see a side effect. But I am being positive that I will get through it all with God's help. God has been carrying me and I know it. I feel so blessed with all the support that I am receiving that it makes me so happy.
It is Saturday night, I just ate some watermelon with Dre and now we are about to watch a movie. I feel good and I love life. I am excited to get thorough this chemo and finish it. I can't wait to complete this process and start the healing process. So one down and three more to go!! I can't wait until I can write that I just finished my last treatment!! :) I am confident that I am going to be alright and that cancer will be a thing of the past for me. I am a fighter, a survivor and a believer!! I am really proud of myself!! :)
Friday, July 15, 2011
First Chemo Treatment Today!
Well, for the past few days, all I have been doing is thinking about the chemo treatment today. I am ready for it to begin so that it can be behind me. However, I am so nervous about all the side effects that I may get. Yes, I am strong and confident that I can handle it but still very nervous about it. For the past two nights, I have woken up at 3:00 a.m. Wide awake!! I haven't had any peaceful sleep in awhile. Yet, I probably will tonight because one of the nausea meds makes me really tired. :) I look forward to that part though. I know how important sleep is in healing. I just pray to God that this doesn't put me down too bad. I have to return to work next week and I want to ready.
Last night, my precious daughter helped me organize my pills. It was quite funny watching us trying to figure out times and which pill to take. She is so smart and knowledgable about pills. Her being a Biology major has come in handy for this time. It is like having my own personal nurse at home. It is funny. Now the child is acting like a Mother. Telling me to get rest, drink fluids and eat right. LOL I am happy we are at this place though. We have had a rocky year but God sure brought us full circle. I love her so much and I need her. I hope she always knows how important she is to me. I couldn't have made it through a lot of rough times without her and her smile. She is definitely a chip off the old block. :)
Don't have time today to write much. I am trying to clean up a little, pack a chemo treatment bag and get mentally/spiritually prepared for treatment. I have packed hard candy, cards, gum, a pillow, computer, movies and chargers. This should help make the time move along. Andre is taking me today. He is going to be so bored. LOL I know this man loves me because he is the most IMPATIENT person I know. The fact that he is going to sit with me for over 3 hours makes my heart flutter with joy. He is such a wonderful and loving husband. I am truly blessed to have him. He has made this whole journey so much easier with his support and love. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. Well, next to my two kids being born!! ;)
Gotta run and get ready to leave here soon. Will write about the first treatment when I feel up to in in the next few days. Adios!
Last night, my precious daughter helped me organize my pills. It was quite funny watching us trying to figure out times and which pill to take. She is so smart and knowledgable about pills. Her being a Biology major has come in handy for this time. It is like having my own personal nurse at home. It is funny. Now the child is acting like a Mother. Telling me to get rest, drink fluids and eat right. LOL I am happy we are at this place though. We have had a rocky year but God sure brought us full circle. I love her so much and I need her. I hope she always knows how important she is to me. I couldn't have made it through a lot of rough times without her and her smile. She is definitely a chip off the old block. :)
Don't have time today to write much. I am trying to clean up a little, pack a chemo treatment bag and get mentally/spiritually prepared for treatment. I have packed hard candy, cards, gum, a pillow, computer, movies and chargers. This should help make the time move along. Andre is taking me today. He is going to be so bored. LOL I know this man loves me because he is the most IMPATIENT person I know. The fact that he is going to sit with me for over 3 hours makes my heart flutter with joy. He is such a wonderful and loving husband. I am truly blessed to have him. He has made this whole journey so much easier with his support and love. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. Well, next to my two kids being born!! ;)
Gotta run and get ready to leave here soon. Will write about the first treatment when I feel up to in in the next few days. Adios!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Prescribed meds suck!!
It has been a few days since I last posted anything on my blog. I have been wanting to but not really up to it at times and then I would just forget.
Well, I have been suffering with really bad sweats due to not being able to wear a hormone patch. As soon as I learned of my diagnosis of breast cancer, my doctor made me remove it. So instantly, I started to get hot flashes like no other. They were horrible. Last week, my oncologist prescribed a medication that would help with the sweats. Actually, it is an anti-depressant called Effexor. I start taking the pills and the very next morning, I wake up with a major headache and really bad nausea. Well, I laid around from Wednesday to Friday before I decided to call my doctor. He tells me that is some of the side effects of taking this pill. Then he prescribes another pill to combat the nausea and that gives me constipation. Boy oh boy, this is killing me. I see right now that chemo is probably going to kick my butt. I see now that I am going to have to take lots of pills. I just pray that I can keep them organized and take the right pills at the right time. I also hope that I don't get all the bad side effects from chemo that most people get. There is a slim chance that I won't. I can only be hopeful. One side effect that I did get from the pills is being tired. I just feel so lazy. I am really trying to fight that feeling but it is so hard. I have no energy and I can't even drink caffeine. That is a big NO NO. So no Red Bull, no Coffee, no Tea and no Monster!! Oh, man, I just pray for some energy right about now.
Had a nice relaxed weekend. Got out for awhile to watch some good AAU basketball. It was nice seeing people that I know in the circuit. However, it just tires me out so much. I am really trying to build up my energy level so I can return to work next week. Something that I am very anxious to do. I miss everyone and I am ready to get back to what I enjoy doing.
Yesterday, I went to see my breast surgeon so he could examine the incision. He said it looked great and that I didn't have to see him until 3 mos. He also gave me a number for a plastic surgeon so that I can get reconstructive surgery. I am excited about that. I just need to wait until after my chemo is all done. But for now, I will just wear a fake boob. LOL Man, oh man!! Soon, I will need to wear a fake boob, fake hair, fake eyebrows and fake eyelashes. I think out of all the fakes, I will probably not wear any fake hair. That just isn't me. We will have to see though.
Today, I woke up feeling so much better. Bandages off my breast and I see it healing well. No nausea. No headache. Things are looking up. I am actually feeling well enough to return to work. I feel so disconnected and it feels sad. So many changes at work and I want to be involved. I want to do so much at my job and this little side track has delayed me. But it won't stop me me!! No, I am a believer in myself. I am now looking forward to next year. I can't wait to look back over this blog and remember how I was feeling. I can't wait to tell others going through this ordeal for the first time, that it will be alright. This journey is teaching me so much and it feels so good. I love what is happening to my life right now. I love how it is growing and developing. God is amazing at showing us how to slow down and appreciate the small things in life. :)
Chemo in 3 more days. I am ready but a little nervous. But that is to be expected. I can handle it. I am WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman!!!!!
Well, I have been suffering with really bad sweats due to not being able to wear a hormone patch. As soon as I learned of my diagnosis of breast cancer, my doctor made me remove it. So instantly, I started to get hot flashes like no other. They were horrible. Last week, my oncologist prescribed a medication that would help with the sweats. Actually, it is an anti-depressant called Effexor. I start taking the pills and the very next morning, I wake up with a major headache and really bad nausea. Well, I laid around from Wednesday to Friday before I decided to call my doctor. He tells me that is some of the side effects of taking this pill. Then he prescribes another pill to combat the nausea and that gives me constipation. Boy oh boy, this is killing me. I see right now that chemo is probably going to kick my butt. I see now that I am going to have to take lots of pills. I just pray that I can keep them organized and take the right pills at the right time. I also hope that I don't get all the bad side effects from chemo that most people get. There is a slim chance that I won't. I can only be hopeful. One side effect that I did get from the pills is being tired. I just feel so lazy. I am really trying to fight that feeling but it is so hard. I have no energy and I can't even drink caffeine. That is a big NO NO. So no Red Bull, no Coffee, no Tea and no Monster!! Oh, man, I just pray for some energy right about now.
Had a nice relaxed weekend. Got out for awhile to watch some good AAU basketball. It was nice seeing people that I know in the circuit. However, it just tires me out so much. I am really trying to build up my energy level so I can return to work next week. Something that I am very anxious to do. I miss everyone and I am ready to get back to what I enjoy doing.
Yesterday, I went to see my breast surgeon so he could examine the incision. He said it looked great and that I didn't have to see him until 3 mos. He also gave me a number for a plastic surgeon so that I can get reconstructive surgery. I am excited about that. I just need to wait until after my chemo is all done. But for now, I will just wear a fake boob. LOL Man, oh man!! Soon, I will need to wear a fake boob, fake hair, fake eyebrows and fake eyelashes. I think out of all the fakes, I will probably not wear any fake hair. That just isn't me. We will have to see though.
Today, I woke up feeling so much better. Bandages off my breast and I see it healing well. No nausea. No headache. Things are looking up. I am actually feeling well enough to return to work. I feel so disconnected and it feels sad. So many changes at work and I want to be involved. I want to do so much at my job and this little side track has delayed me. But it won't stop me me!! No, I am a believer in myself. I am now looking forward to next year. I can't wait to look back over this blog and remember how I was feeling. I can't wait to tell others going through this ordeal for the first time, that it will be alright. This journey is teaching me so much and it feels so good. I love what is happening to my life right now. I love how it is growing and developing. God is amazing at showing us how to slow down and appreciate the small things in life. :)
Chemo in 3 more days. I am ready but a little nervous. But that is to be expected. I can handle it. I am WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman!!!!!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
God's Blessings!!
Woke up early Tuesday morning because I had to drink another gallon of that nasty Barium. Had to go to my CT Scan and get my whole body checked out. This experience was horrible. First, I had to drink that white chalky suppose to be berry flavored smoothie. Then, I had do this CT Scan. I thought drinking the contrast would be all I would have to do and then just take the x-ray. NO!! I also had to have an IV with more contrast and I had to drink another 4 ounces of that Barium. Torture, for sure. I laid in the circular x-ray machine and waited patiently for the technician to take the x-rays. She warned me that the IV would make me feel a warm sensation in my hands and bladder area. Yes, I did and this was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. However, all this preparation for this x-ray and it actually only took 10 minutes!! Now, I was going to have to wait for the results. Results I would get at my oncologist appointment later in the day.
Arrived at the doctor's office that afternoon and as I waited for my name to be called. I just prayed to God that nothing would appear on that x-ray. All these tests to find out if there is cancer in one's body are needed. But having to wait for the results is torture. I get called back into the doctor's office. I wait. My mind keeps thinking about "What if they find something?" I was trying not to think that way but it is so hard. I am usually a positive person but this cancer is getting the best of me. The door opens and in walks my doctor. He smiles and he says hello. He slowly opens up my medical records and starts reading the CT Scan report. I try to look over this shoulder and see if I can see anything to be alarmed about. Unfortunately, at my old age, I wasn't able to eavesdrop over his shoulder because I couldn't read it. LOL What seemed like hours but was only about 5 minutes, the doctor finally looked at me. He said, "Evelyn, the radiologist did not find anything to be alarmed about." I literally busted out in tears and cried for about 5 minutes. My doctor hugged me and stated that I was going to alright. He told me to stop crying but doesn't he understand. Those tears were tears of joy!!! I had been so scared waiting for this result, as I had been waiting for the other past results.
Well, my doctor stated that I would only need 4 sessions of chemo. He felt I did not need a port surgically put into my body. This is used if a person is having multiple rounds of chemo and makes it easier on that person for the chemo medicines to be administered. They would use an IV on me. Don't like it but I will do whatever is needed of me to be cancer free. He gave me my first chemo date. It will be on July 15th. I am now ready for it to begin because then that is just one more day closer to me not having to have chemo. I know that the next few months will be difficult but I also believe and know that I will make it.
So I tell everyone my results and the rest of the evening, I am overjoyed and happy that God is allowing the blessings to flow for me in my favor right now. I love God and I have faith in Him to pull me through.
Wednesday was a great day!! Woke up feeling a little sick to my stomach but I had to get up early. It was Kristina's first day at work at Southwest Airlines. I wanted to send her off like it was her first day of kindergarten. LOL I made her coffee and gave her advice on what to expect the first day. She left the house all smiles and returned home with more smiles. Watching her grow into a young woman is bittersweet. I would have to say more bitter than sweet. But she is doing her best to grow up. I just need to step back and allow her to do it. Hard to do but something I have to do.
Was feeling a little nauseous most of the day, so I just laid around and rested. I did have some company later in the evening. Three of my co-workers/friends, paid me visit and this really made me feel happy. I love visitors and it makes me feel really special to have people come over and check on me. My co-workers have shown me so much love and I feel so blessed to work with them all. I am so ready to get back to work and to be around some of the people that I love.
Today, I woke up nauseous again. I think that my body is trying to rid itself of all those pain pills I was taking. I have stopped taking them and just trying to take over the counter Motrin. However, I think weaning myself off of them is putting my body in some type of withdrawal. Head hurting, stomach queasy and awful diarrhea. Yuck!! But I have to go through this and try to get my body up to par and to regain some energy. I return to work July 19th, and I need to be able to do my job. The pain in my arm is still there but it does get a little better each day. I see my breast surgeon on July 11th, and I hope he can tell me something to help me understand this pain. I will see.
On another note, I did get a call from his office this morning and received some more good news. I was waiting on this last test result. The test is called a BRCA cancer gene test. This test would let me know if I transmitted a cancer gene to either of my children. This is something I have worried about for years. I was more worried now since Kristina is a female and I now had Breast Cancer. Well, the nurse called and said the the test came back NEGATIVE. OMG!!! I was elated and filled with so much joy. It is like all these blessings from God were overwhelming. But God is like it. He overwhelms us with blessings daily. We just sometimes don't see them. Better believe me, I have been seeing them along my journey. God is guiding me and holding my hand all the way. I am very proud to say that I love God and that my faith is very strong.
Each day is different and I see so much. I see who I can trust. I see who really cares about me. I see who I can lean on. I see a lot of things. The most important thing that I see is that God hasn't let me down and that through bad times and/or good times, God is constant. That is what matters to me!!
Arrived at the doctor's office that afternoon and as I waited for my name to be called. I just prayed to God that nothing would appear on that x-ray. All these tests to find out if there is cancer in one's body are needed. But having to wait for the results is torture. I get called back into the doctor's office. I wait. My mind keeps thinking about "What if they find something?" I was trying not to think that way but it is so hard. I am usually a positive person but this cancer is getting the best of me. The door opens and in walks my doctor. He smiles and he says hello. He slowly opens up my medical records and starts reading the CT Scan report. I try to look over this shoulder and see if I can see anything to be alarmed about. Unfortunately, at my old age, I wasn't able to eavesdrop over his shoulder because I couldn't read it. LOL What seemed like hours but was only about 5 minutes, the doctor finally looked at me. He said, "Evelyn, the radiologist did not find anything to be alarmed about." I literally busted out in tears and cried for about 5 minutes. My doctor hugged me and stated that I was going to alright. He told me to stop crying but doesn't he understand. Those tears were tears of joy!!! I had been so scared waiting for this result, as I had been waiting for the other past results.
Well, my doctor stated that I would only need 4 sessions of chemo. He felt I did not need a port surgically put into my body. This is used if a person is having multiple rounds of chemo and makes it easier on that person for the chemo medicines to be administered. They would use an IV on me. Don't like it but I will do whatever is needed of me to be cancer free. He gave me my first chemo date. It will be on July 15th. I am now ready for it to begin because then that is just one more day closer to me not having to have chemo. I know that the next few months will be difficult but I also believe and know that I will make it.
So I tell everyone my results and the rest of the evening, I am overjoyed and happy that God is allowing the blessings to flow for me in my favor right now. I love God and I have faith in Him to pull me through.
Wednesday was a great day!! Woke up feeling a little sick to my stomach but I had to get up early. It was Kristina's first day at work at Southwest Airlines. I wanted to send her off like it was her first day of kindergarten. LOL I made her coffee and gave her advice on what to expect the first day. She left the house all smiles and returned home with more smiles. Watching her grow into a young woman is bittersweet. I would have to say more bitter than sweet. But she is doing her best to grow up. I just need to step back and allow her to do it. Hard to do but something I have to do.
Was feeling a little nauseous most of the day, so I just laid around and rested. I did have some company later in the evening. Three of my co-workers/friends, paid me visit and this really made me feel happy. I love visitors and it makes me feel really special to have people come over and check on me. My co-workers have shown me so much love and I feel so blessed to work with them all. I am so ready to get back to work and to be around some of the people that I love.
Today, I woke up nauseous again. I think that my body is trying to rid itself of all those pain pills I was taking. I have stopped taking them and just trying to take over the counter Motrin. However, I think weaning myself off of them is putting my body in some type of withdrawal. Head hurting, stomach queasy and awful diarrhea. Yuck!! But I have to go through this and try to get my body up to par and to regain some energy. I return to work July 19th, and I need to be able to do my job. The pain in my arm is still there but it does get a little better each day. I see my breast surgeon on July 11th, and I hope he can tell me something to help me understand this pain. I will see.
On another note, I did get a call from his office this morning and received some more good news. I was waiting on this last test result. The test is called a BRCA cancer gene test. This test would let me know if I transmitted a cancer gene to either of my children. This is something I have worried about for years. I was more worried now since Kristina is a female and I now had Breast Cancer. Well, the nurse called and said the the test came back NEGATIVE. OMG!!! I was elated and filled with so much joy. It is like all these blessings from God were overwhelming. But God is like it. He overwhelms us with blessings daily. We just sometimes don't see them. Better believe me, I have been seeing them along my journey. God is guiding me and holding my hand all the way. I am very proud to say that I love God and that my faith is very strong.
Each day is different and I see so much. I see who I can trust. I see who really cares about me. I see who I can lean on. I see a lot of things. The most important thing that I see is that God hasn't let me down and that through bad times and/or good times, God is constant. That is what matters to me!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
July 4th Holiday Weekend!!
Well, haven't written anything for a few days. I have just been trying to deal with getting well and getting my body back into working order. :) Plus, my mind has been thinking about the future and what is going to happen with chemo starting. So let me back track from my memory how my weekend went.
Friday~Spent the majority of this day laying around and doing my regular daily routine. Get up, eat breakfast, watch TV, eat lunch, watch TV, wait for Andre to come home, eat dinner and oh yes, watch some more TV. LOL This nagging pain my arm area is so annoying. No relief, just have to deal with it. Really don't want to take pain pills so often in the day. I only take when necessary. Don't want my body to get immune to them or to get use it. I so do not like taking pain pills or any type of pills.
Saturday~Woke up happy cause it was Saturday. Even though, I haven't been going to work and every day has been Saturday, the feeling you get on the actual day, is always a feeling of happiness. I was going to have company today and I was excited. I now see how elderly feel in a nursing home when they know they are getting visitors. Never really understood it but now I do. When you are confined to an area and don't see people often outside of your daily people, you get so excited to see another face. So my friends came and brought lunch. For the first time in a few weeks, I actually felt like part of this friendship circle. I was able to sit at the kitchen table, eat lunch and chat with them without feeling like a sick person. They probably were thinking that I was just doing fine. Well, on the outside, I was. However, on the inside, if they only knew how much pain I was feeling in my arm area. I am just good at hiding my discomfort. The only people that really see it is Andre and Kristina. With them, I can be my real and honest self. The day was wonderful and I am so glad that they came over. It made me happy and it made me anxious to get back to work to be around my co-workers.
Sunday~Woke up and went to church. As always, church uplifted me and made me feel so good. After church, Andre and I went to lunch. We went to PF Changs and had a wonderful meal. One of our favorite places to eat. A friend sent me a gift card and I am so glad she did. It is funny. As I was sitting in the restaurant, I was looking around. Now, I look at every woman I see and notice her hair and makeup. I never was this conscience about it but now I am very conscience of it. I also look at other woman and think to myself, "How lucky they are to not have to go through what I am going through and about to go through with chemo?" Ok, I am strong, positive and grateful but I am also very human. Can't help my thoughts.
I have been wondering a lot about my hair. Should I cut it short now, should I wait until it starts to fall out or should I just shave it bald??? It is confusing me. I pray to God to help me on this but I still don't know answer. The closer it gets to my first treatment, the more prevalent this becomes. I suppose I will know when the times comes. I took off my artificial nails. I have been getting them done since 1990. It feels weird not having them but I am not sure how chemo is going to effect my body and I don't want to take a chance and get an infection. Now I will have to think about all that stuff. Chemo kills white blood cells and the chance of infection rises. Breast Cancer sure has a lot of NO's involved. No breast, no nails, no hair, etc. But it does have one YES for me. Yes to Life!! That is the most important thing.
Monday~Happy 4th of July!!! Didn't feel like much of a holiday for me today. I am use to Andre cooking and having family over. Well, we were invited to a BBQ and that was nice. I guess they knew that I wasn't really up to company and that Andre needed a break.
During my shower, I did something different on this day. I actually took the wash clothe cleaned the area right where my incision is. I haven't done that. I usually just soap around it and let the water stream rinse it off. I guess I have been scared to touch it directly. Maybe scared to see how it would feel. Well, as I cleaned the area, I started to cry. I was doing so good but touching the area and realizing that my breast was gone hit a chord. I know I can get reconstruction but the whole idea of MY breast being gone was sad. But as soon as I started to cry, I started to smile. That breast being gone, took the cancer with it. I have to keep telling myself that. It is what is saving my life right now. A life that I am not ready to retire yet. God is giving me a chance to move ahead with his plan.
With the assistance of Andre, I was able to bake some cupcakes for the BBQ. It took me longer than usual with my arm aching but I was able to get it done. As I was decorating the cupcakes, I smiled thinking about how joyful I was with this little task. Mixing and baking cupcakes should be an easy process but for me on this Monday, it was a major ordeal. But it was completed and I now I just hoped that the kids liked them.
Get to the BBQ and find me a seat to prop myself on. Talking and laughing with everyone was wonderful. There were all these kids there swimming, laughing, playing basketball and just hanging out. Watching them was the highlight of my day!! Their energy and love of life is contagious. I just wanted to soak it all in and store for later. Three of the young adults are my special babies. They play basketball at a high school nearby. Well, they commence to tell me that for the next season, they told their coach that they wanted to order pink basketball shoes in honor of me having Breast Cancer. This so touched my heart that they would even consider doing this. Wow, the mother's of these young men need to pat themselves on the back!! They have raised future caring and loving men!! :) Then I am told from some of the adults that they want to do a "Team Evelyn" for Susan G. Komen breast cancer walk. Wow!! The love I am seeing is amazing and feels so good. I can't wait to form my team and show support for Breast Cancer awareness. Being at this BBQ made my July 4th wonderful and made it one of my favorite holidays spent with family.
Last night ended nicely. We drove home and then it dawned to me that I still had to drink that dang gone Barium Concentrate for my CT Scan. Can I say torture. Kristina kept saying, "Mom, drink it like a shot of tequila." Well, first, it wasn't a shot of tequila. Plus, I couldn't chase with a lime and salt. Second, it was not a shot and more like a gallon of white chalky liquid flavored with berry. And third, trying to chug just made me want to vomit. So I slowly drank and drank until it was all gone. Oh, how I hated that. Then, I took myself to bed. All I could think about was that I had to repeat this drinking process in the morning and wonder what my results will bring.
Happy July 4th to America!!!
Friday~Spent the majority of this day laying around and doing my regular daily routine. Get up, eat breakfast, watch TV, eat lunch, watch TV, wait for Andre to come home, eat dinner and oh yes, watch some more TV. LOL This nagging pain my arm area is so annoying. No relief, just have to deal with it. Really don't want to take pain pills so often in the day. I only take when necessary. Don't want my body to get immune to them or to get use it. I so do not like taking pain pills or any type of pills.
Saturday~Woke up happy cause it was Saturday. Even though, I haven't been going to work and every day has been Saturday, the feeling you get on the actual day, is always a feeling of happiness. I was going to have company today and I was excited. I now see how elderly feel in a nursing home when they know they are getting visitors. Never really understood it but now I do. When you are confined to an area and don't see people often outside of your daily people, you get so excited to see another face. So my friends came and brought lunch. For the first time in a few weeks, I actually felt like part of this friendship circle. I was able to sit at the kitchen table, eat lunch and chat with them without feeling like a sick person. They probably were thinking that I was just doing fine. Well, on the outside, I was. However, on the inside, if they only knew how much pain I was feeling in my arm area. I am just good at hiding my discomfort. The only people that really see it is Andre and Kristina. With them, I can be my real and honest self. The day was wonderful and I am so glad that they came over. It made me happy and it made me anxious to get back to work to be around my co-workers.
Sunday~Woke up and went to church. As always, church uplifted me and made me feel so good. After church, Andre and I went to lunch. We went to PF Changs and had a wonderful meal. One of our favorite places to eat. A friend sent me a gift card and I am so glad she did. It is funny. As I was sitting in the restaurant, I was looking around. Now, I look at every woman I see and notice her hair and makeup. I never was this conscience about it but now I am very conscience of it. I also look at other woman and think to myself, "How lucky they are to not have to go through what I am going through and about to go through with chemo?" Ok, I am strong, positive and grateful but I am also very human. Can't help my thoughts.
I have been wondering a lot about my hair. Should I cut it short now, should I wait until it starts to fall out or should I just shave it bald??? It is confusing me. I pray to God to help me on this but I still don't know answer. The closer it gets to my first treatment, the more prevalent this becomes. I suppose I will know when the times comes. I took off my artificial nails. I have been getting them done since 1990. It feels weird not having them but I am not sure how chemo is going to effect my body and I don't want to take a chance and get an infection. Now I will have to think about all that stuff. Chemo kills white blood cells and the chance of infection rises. Breast Cancer sure has a lot of NO's involved. No breast, no nails, no hair, etc. But it does have one YES for me. Yes to Life!! That is the most important thing.
Monday~Happy 4th of July!!! Didn't feel like much of a holiday for me today. I am use to Andre cooking and having family over. Well, we were invited to a BBQ and that was nice. I guess they knew that I wasn't really up to company and that Andre needed a break.
During my shower, I did something different on this day. I actually took the wash clothe cleaned the area right where my incision is. I haven't done that. I usually just soap around it and let the water stream rinse it off. I guess I have been scared to touch it directly. Maybe scared to see how it would feel. Well, as I cleaned the area, I started to cry. I was doing so good but touching the area and realizing that my breast was gone hit a chord. I know I can get reconstruction but the whole idea of MY breast being gone was sad. But as soon as I started to cry, I started to smile. That breast being gone, took the cancer with it. I have to keep telling myself that. It is what is saving my life right now. A life that I am not ready to retire yet. God is giving me a chance to move ahead with his plan.
With the assistance of Andre, I was able to bake some cupcakes for the BBQ. It took me longer than usual with my arm aching but I was able to get it done. As I was decorating the cupcakes, I smiled thinking about how joyful I was with this little task. Mixing and baking cupcakes should be an easy process but for me on this Monday, it was a major ordeal. But it was completed and I now I just hoped that the kids liked them.
Get to the BBQ and find me a seat to prop myself on. Talking and laughing with everyone was wonderful. There were all these kids there swimming, laughing, playing basketball and just hanging out. Watching them was the highlight of my day!! Their energy and love of life is contagious. I just wanted to soak it all in and store for later. Three of the young adults are my special babies. They play basketball at a high school nearby. Well, they commence to tell me that for the next season, they told their coach that they wanted to order pink basketball shoes in honor of me having Breast Cancer. This so touched my heart that they would even consider doing this. Wow, the mother's of these young men need to pat themselves on the back!! They have raised future caring and loving men!! :) Then I am told from some of the adults that they want to do a "Team Evelyn" for Susan G. Komen breast cancer walk. Wow!! The love I am seeing is amazing and feels so good. I can't wait to form my team and show support for Breast Cancer awareness. Being at this BBQ made my July 4th wonderful and made it one of my favorite holidays spent with family.
Last night ended nicely. We drove home and then it dawned to me that I still had to drink that dang gone Barium Concentrate for my CT Scan. Can I say torture. Kristina kept saying, "Mom, drink it like a shot of tequila." Well, first, it wasn't a shot of tequila. Plus, I couldn't chase with a lime and salt. Second, it was not a shot and more like a gallon of white chalky liquid flavored with berry. And third, trying to chug just made me want to vomit. So I slowly drank and drank until it was all gone. Oh, how I hated that. Then, I took myself to bed. All I could think about was that I had to repeat this drinking process in the morning and wonder what my results will bring.
Happy July 4th to America!!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
TGIFHPP!!
Haven't written anything for the past few days. To be truthful, I have been a little down since my chemo class. I am trying so hard to not let it affect me but it is. I am only human, right?? I have the prerogative to feel sadness about that is happening to me. I am suppose to be working every day, traveling, hanging out with friends and just doing whatever the heck I want to. But since getting BC, I haven't been able to do any of that. This arm pain is driving me up the walls. Yes, I have pain pills but it doesn't seem to totally take away all the pain.
Spent Wednesday and Thursday laying around and just trying to get better. I was suppose to return to work July 5th but I won't be able to since my arm still isn't functioning well. Now, my doctor extended me to July 19th. That sucks. I miss my work friends and my work environment. I am tired of just being around the house. When I see people post TGIF or thing like that, it pisses me off. Heck, it has TGIF for me every day since my surgery. Now, I am ready to get back to work so I can look forward to TGIF. :)
Have been watching this show called "The Voice." I heard this song, "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. This version was with a contestant from the show. She is a bald woman who is bald because she chose to be. There is this sentence, "I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down." You talk about inspiring. This really was a song that I needed to hear. Especially this week. Once again God giving me signs. Losing my hair has been an issue for me. But to hear this song and to see this beautiful bald woman, made me smile! What am I tripping on? I am beautiful no matter what they say. I need to believe that and just get over the whole issue of losing my hair. Hair doesn't make me, I make me!!
Woke up today and had a little energy. So I tried to fold some clothes and tidy up a little. Trying to get my energy level back up so I can attempt to get myself back to where I was so I can be ready to return to work. However, after an hour of doing this, I had to sit my butt down. But I did at least try. Tomorrow, I will have to add 15 minutes to that hour. I need to work up to what I was capable of doing before the surgery. Now, my fighting mode is kicking in and I am not going to allow depression or the fear of the unknown to get me down. It sure tried to mess with my head this week.
Got invited to a July 4th B-B-Que on Monday and I am so excited to get out of the house. I want to just be around friends and have some fun. I know I can't do a lot but I can at least go over and find a nice comfy chair and prop myself up like I do here at home. Just this will be with other people around, kids laughing, and spending time with people I love outside of my house. So I have two days to build my energy level up.
However, for the rest of the day, I am just going to lay and not do anything else. I had a huge workout this morning and my arm is starting to ache some more. So now, I must take one of those pain pills. As soon as I do, then it will be off to sleepy land and the place of calmness!! TGIFHPP!! So TGIFHPP for me is: THANK GOD I FINALLY HAVE PAIN PILLS!! LOL
Spent Wednesday and Thursday laying around and just trying to get better. I was suppose to return to work July 5th but I won't be able to since my arm still isn't functioning well. Now, my doctor extended me to July 19th. That sucks. I miss my work friends and my work environment. I am tired of just being around the house. When I see people post TGIF or thing like that, it pisses me off. Heck, it has TGIF for me every day since my surgery. Now, I am ready to get back to work so I can look forward to TGIF. :)
Have been watching this show called "The Voice." I heard this song, "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. This version was with a contestant from the show. She is a bald woman who is bald because she chose to be. There is this sentence, "I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down." You talk about inspiring. This really was a song that I needed to hear. Especially this week. Once again God giving me signs. Losing my hair has been an issue for me. But to hear this song and to see this beautiful bald woman, made me smile! What am I tripping on? I am beautiful no matter what they say. I need to believe that and just get over the whole issue of losing my hair. Hair doesn't make me, I make me!!
Woke up today and had a little energy. So I tried to fold some clothes and tidy up a little. Trying to get my energy level back up so I can attempt to get myself back to where I was so I can be ready to return to work. However, after an hour of doing this, I had to sit my butt down. But I did at least try. Tomorrow, I will have to add 15 minutes to that hour. I need to work up to what I was capable of doing before the surgery. Now, my fighting mode is kicking in and I am not going to allow depression or the fear of the unknown to get me down. It sure tried to mess with my head this week.
Got invited to a July 4th B-B-Que on Monday and I am so excited to get out of the house. I want to just be around friends and have some fun. I know I can't do a lot but I can at least go over and find a nice comfy chair and prop myself up like I do here at home. Just this will be with other people around, kids laughing, and spending time with people I love outside of my house. So I have two days to build my energy level up.
However, for the rest of the day, I am just going to lay and not do anything else. I had a huge workout this morning and my arm is starting to ache some more. So now, I must take one of those pain pills. As soon as I do, then it will be off to sleepy land and the place of calmness!! TGIFHPP!! So TGIFHPP for me is: THANK GOD I FINALLY HAVE PAIN PILLS!! LOL
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