DAYS I WISH I WAS ON A BEACH INSTEAD OF AT HOME DAYS!!

Didn't sleep too well Wednesday night.  I know it was mostly because I was nervous about my chemo treatment the next day.  I don't know why.  Getting chemo isn't all that bad, it is just the week after and the side effects.  That is probably what was making me nervous.  Since I know what to expect and they aren't any fun, I feel anxious about it.  I had my treatment at 2:30 yesterday.  So around noon, I went to visit my 82 year old Mom.  I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, due to the fact that I haven't been up to it and she smokes cigarettes.  It is hard for me to breathe when I am in her apartment and second hand smoke is so bad for me.  But I had to go because I had been thinking about her and missing her.  Or maybe I was just needing my Mom to help me feel better.  We all need that from time to time.  I go to a drive thru to get her lunch and go over to her place.  When I arrive, I slowly walk into her apartment.  Which these days is a task moving around for me. I knock at her door and when I see her, I get all emotional.  She is aging and walking as slow as me.  I have been stating that I feel like I am elderly these past few weeks.  We sit down and eat lunch together.  As we do this, I just can't help but look at her and see all the signs of her getting older.  This makes me sad.  I don't have a really good relationship with my siblings, actually, we don't even speak.  I have a very dysfunctional family and this is sad.  My Mom will soon need to live with one of us.  With the siblings that I do have, it will probably be me.  I see that her early stages of Alzheimer's is getting worse.  Our whole conversation, I had to repeat everything and repeat everything that we have talked about in the past.  She hadn't seen me bald yet.  She looks at me and says, "Sweetie, I like your new look.  Everyone is doing it."  I said, "Mom, I have breast cancer and I am getting chemo." She says, "I didn't know."  I have told her the whole summer. :(  This made me so sad.  I then started to try to help her understand that she needs to think about moving in with one of her children.  She says, "Ev, I want to live with you." I said "OK, lets talk about then." Told her she needs to stop smoking if she wants to live with me.  I explained I could get her those fake cigarettes.  She says she will think about it.  However, I know she won't because she wants to smoke her Kools.  Now I am leaning on God to help me out. I just pray that she will decide to come live with me.  I already have Dre's grandpa and one more would just be welcomed.  She is my Mom and I will not put her in a nursing home.  I had to deal with those with my Dad and they were HELL. I had to move him like 7 times before he passed away.  Never again would I put someone I love into one of those.

I spend about an hour with her and then I have to leave to meet Dre so that I can go to chemo.  When she walked me to the door and we hugged goodbye, we both hugged a lot longer and tighter.  I looked at her thinning hair, her thin/frail frame, and her wrinkles, and I just started to cry.  We hadn't always had a good relationship growing up but today, it didn't matter.  She is still my Mom and I love her.  It is strange that out of all her children, she wants to live with me now.  I wasn't her favorite because I know that.  But I was always the one she could depend on over the years.  She is smart enough to know that now towards the end of her life, I would be the one to take care of her the best. After we kissed goodbye and she closed the door, I just lost it.  I called Dre and told him what had happened and mentioned about moving Mom in and he said, "Let's do it and when."  That is just another reason that I love that man so much.  Always supportive of me and my crazy family.

Get to the house and Dre is there waiting on me.  We head to my chemo treatment.  Chemo isn't bad like I have said before, it is just the week after and the side effects.  I arrive at the doctor's office and see all the wonderful people that work there. They are quickly becoming my friends.  Dre laughs because he sees how I know the other patients and that when I get there, they all smile and get happy.  That is what I like to do.  Make others smile.  I won't allow this place to be gloomy when I get there.  No way.  I wore my "Team Evelyn" t-shirt and everyone loved it.  I told them a very special friend made it for me to encourage me and that it did.  I started to tell the nurse that I was having a lot more pain in my thighs and joints. That I couldn't even get out of bed without pain meds now.  She said that was normal and that joint pain is one of the side effects. She also begins to tell me that the 3rd treatment might be worse.  Man, I don't like this one at all. The others 2 treatment were more tolerable but not being able to walk and/or get out of bed is miserable.  After 3 hours, I am all done.  This gentleman that I have seen about 3 times was also done.  He has 12 more sessions to go.  He asked the nurse to schedule him when I come back in 3 weeks.  She says she can't because he is on his 2 week break from chemo. He looked sad that this was our last time seeing each other.  He comes to hug me goodbye and I felt sad for a moment.  He was so nice to talk to.  So we hugged goodbye.  When he left, Dre looked at me and said, "Why your little boyfriend all sad?"  I had to laugh.  Was he acting jealous.  Yes!  I love it.  He knows how friendly I am and that I also makes friends wherever I go.  Shouldn't he be use to it after 13 years. LOL

We get home and I start feeling yucky.  I think to myself, this can't be.  That other two times after chemo, I didn't start feeling yucky until the 2nd day.  As the evening progresses, I start getting real tired and my mouth starts to get dry.  I just hope that this means I will get better sooner.  Who knows with chemo?  I just take one day at a time. What is most important is for me get rest and allow the chemo to do what it is suppose to do.  I prepare myself mentally for the next 7 days or so.  These I consider the "DAYS I WISH I WAS ON A BEACH INSTEAD OF AT HOME DAYS." I know it will be hard but I am fighting this all the way to the end.  God has helped me see and understand so much.  I don't get how anyone could live on this earth and not believe in God.  I know that my humanly peeps have helped and supported me tremendously.  However, I believe that my faith in God is the major reason that I am doing so well during this whole journey.  For that matter, my whole life.  I really shouldn't be here with the things that I have endured in my past.  But God continues to help me through it.  That is why I know for a fact that He has a bigger purpose for me on this earth.  When I leave this earth one day, I will leave it with a smile.  Because I know that I was chosen to do God's work and that is what I have always tried to do.  I live for the day when God looks at me with a smile and says, "Well done my child."  :)