Hurricane Chemo-Category 5

Just as the East Coast was waiting on Hurricane Irene to hit, I was in Texas waiting on my own Hurricane to take place. Getting chemo this time around has been the worse ever for me.  These past few days have been HELL.  I have spent the entire time in bed.  This 3rd treatment hit me so hard.  The majority of my weekend was spent in bed and just trying to get enough energy to even drink water. Unless someone has gone through chemotherapy, they will never really understand how it feels.  I have gotten other side effects that I didn't get the first two times.  Let me see.  My knee caps hurt, my joints ache and my ankles are in pain.  I have this really bad back pain.  I have to take pain pills all day so that I can even get out of bed to go to the bathroom.  Why did it hit me so hard this time around? I go to the internet to find out if the way I am feeling is normal.  Every article that I can find, states that this is what I should be feeling.  My nurse said it was going to be somewhat more difficult this time around, but I underestimated what she was saying.  Laying around like a zombie isn't my cup of tea at all.  I fall in and out of sleep from the the pain pills and the nausea meds.  I am starting to feel really ugly and unattractive.  I know I shouldn't and I am trying my best to be positive but it is only human for a person to feel this way.  Actually, even typing right now is hard because I have to sit up. Today's entry will be short because I can't sit up too long without my stomach aching.  These side effects SUCK! I can't really eat any milk products because they don't sit on my stomach well.  Nothing has any taste since my taste buds are gone.  So everything that I eat literally tastes like cardboard. :( I try to eat lots of juicy or fluid type foods so my mouth stays moist.  The best thing is grapes but there is no flavor when I eat them.  It just feels nice on my mouth because of how juicy they are.  On Sunday morning, I woke up with a totally white tongue.  I knew what this was because both of my children had it when they were babies.  It is called Thrush.  This is also a side effect of chemotherapy. When the immune system is weak, this is a common side effect to get.   I didn't get this the last 2 times but I did this time. I know I will have to wait until Monday morning to call my doctor to get a prescription to get rid of it.  I am now at the point where I am getting tired of medicines, poking, being sick, looking  horrible and being so pathetically dependent on others.  I am over halfway done but I am getting really anxious for it to be all over.

I know it may seem that today I am complaining a lot and I am.  I knew what to expect and I was ready.  I just didn't realize that it was going to be so bad this time around.  So does that mean that my last treatment is going to be even worse.  I hope I can make it.  Yesterday, I was so ready to give in the towel but I spoke with a friend of mine and she helped me get out of my funk. People are probably tired of hearing about me being ill and I don't blame them.  I am tired of hearing about it myself.  I feel like I have been concentrating on myself so much that I haven't been there for my friends like I would like to.  This just concentrating on me is so not me.  My sweet husband and my beautiful daughter are trying their best to keep me happy and comfortable.  I just hope they know that I do appreciate them so much.  Lately, I have been a little cranky and it isn't right.  But my emotions are all over the place and this chemo really sucks.  It is wearing me down.  I am having to pray to God each day that I don't allow chemo to take my spirit away.  I have cried a lot in the past few days.  When you are alone a lot, you have a lot of time to think.  My thoughts keep taking me to a lot of places.  I think of having both my breasts intake.  I think of how long it took me to grow my hair long.  I think of having the energy to do things.  I think of traveling.  I think of hanging out with my friends and enjoying time together.  Maybe these things aren't really important but I think about it.  I know I will have a lot of these things again.  I really do.  It is just that my mind is wondering.  I have to tell myself that I have beaten Breast Cancer already.  It is gone. That breast that I miss   took the cancer away when it was removed.  The hair that I am missing will grow back.  The energy that I don't have now, I will get back.  Traveling and hanging with friends will happen soon enough.  I need to get off my soap box and be thankful.  I can't give up now.  I am almost there.  There is only one more treatment to go.  Do I fear that last treatment?  Yes, I do.  But when it is all over with, I can start to live again.  I will be reborn.  What I have been through all summer will give me a better perspective on life.  What I missed, I can regain.  I have to tell myself that  I AM A SURVIVOR AND I AM A FIGHTER!!! I have felt like I could't make the past few days but now as I lay here and type this blog, I am realizing that I AM A WINNER!! This doesn't make me any better or more blessed than anyone else, but just for me, I AM A WINNER! This is my battle and I am not going to give up until I win.

Yes, that Hurricane Irene was predicted to do a lot more damage than it did.  By the grace of God, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  But a lot of people weathered the storm and were fine.  I will weather the Hurricane Chemo the same way.  I will not let it take me under and destroy what I have been doing.  Depression is funny how it tries to come into your life and take over.  It surely did try with me over the past few days.  However, I had to fight it off.  I had to look at the bigger picture and realize that all this pain, all this discomfort and all this uneasiness is only temporary.  Life's lessons only make us stronger individuals.  By the time I am done with all of this, I will be one strong woman!

DAYS I WISH I WAS ON A BEACH INSTEAD OF AT HOME DAYS!!

Didn't sleep too well Wednesday night.  I know it was mostly because I was nervous about my chemo treatment the next day.  I don't know why.  Getting chemo isn't all that bad, it is just the week after and the side effects.  That is probably what was making me nervous.  Since I know what to expect and they aren't any fun, I feel anxious about it.  I had my treatment at 2:30 yesterday.  So around noon, I went to visit my 82 year old Mom.  I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, due to the fact that I haven't been up to it and she smokes cigarettes.  It is hard for me to breathe when I am in her apartment and second hand smoke is so bad for me.  But I had to go because I had been thinking about her and missing her.  Or maybe I was just needing my Mom to help me feel better.  We all need that from time to time.  I go to a drive thru to get her lunch and go over to her place.  When I arrive, I slowly walk into her apartment.  Which these days is a task moving around for me. I knock at her door and when I see her, I get all emotional.  She is aging and walking as slow as me.  I have been stating that I feel like I am elderly these past few weeks.  We sit down and eat lunch together.  As we do this, I just can't help but look at her and see all the signs of her getting older.  This makes me sad.  I don't have a really good relationship with my siblings, actually, we don't even speak.  I have a very dysfunctional family and this is sad.  My Mom will soon need to live with one of us.  With the siblings that I do have, it will probably be me.  I see that her early stages of Alzheimer's is getting worse.  Our whole conversation, I had to repeat everything and repeat everything that we have talked about in the past.  She hadn't seen me bald yet.  She looks at me and says, "Sweetie, I like your new look.  Everyone is doing it."  I said, "Mom, I have breast cancer and I am getting chemo." She says, "I didn't know."  I have told her the whole summer. :(  This made me so sad.  I then started to try to help her understand that she needs to think about moving in with one of her children.  She says, "Ev, I want to live with you." I said "OK, lets talk about then." Told her she needs to stop smoking if she wants to live with me.  I explained I could get her those fake cigarettes.  She says she will think about it.  However, I know she won't because she wants to smoke her Kools.  Now I am leaning on God to help me out. I just pray that she will decide to come live with me.  I already have Dre's grandpa and one more would just be welcomed.  She is my Mom and I will not put her in a nursing home.  I had to deal with those with my Dad and they were HELL. I had to move him like 7 times before he passed away.  Never again would I put someone I love into one of those.

I spend about an hour with her and then I have to leave to meet Dre so that I can go to chemo.  When she walked me to the door and we hugged goodbye, we both hugged a lot longer and tighter.  I looked at her thinning hair, her thin/frail frame, and her wrinkles, and I just started to cry.  We hadn't always had a good relationship growing up but today, it didn't matter.  She is still my Mom and I love her.  It is strange that out of all her children, she wants to live with me now.  I wasn't her favorite because I know that.  But I was always the one she could depend on over the years.  She is smart enough to know that now towards the end of her life, I would be the one to take care of her the best. After we kissed goodbye and she closed the door, I just lost it.  I called Dre and told him what had happened and mentioned about moving Mom in and he said, "Let's do it and when."  That is just another reason that I love that man so much.  Always supportive of me and my crazy family.

Get to the house and Dre is there waiting on me.  We head to my chemo treatment.  Chemo isn't bad like I have said before, it is just the week after and the side effects.  I arrive at the doctor's office and see all the wonderful people that work there. They are quickly becoming my friends.  Dre laughs because he sees how I know the other patients and that when I get there, they all smile and get happy.  That is what I like to do.  Make others smile.  I won't allow this place to be gloomy when I get there.  No way.  I wore my "Team Evelyn" t-shirt and everyone loved it.  I told them a very special friend made it for me to encourage me and that it did.  I started to tell the nurse that I was having a lot more pain in my thighs and joints. That I couldn't even get out of bed without pain meds now.  She said that was normal and that joint pain is one of the side effects. She also begins to tell me that the 3rd treatment might be worse.  Man, I don't like this one at all. The others 2 treatment were more tolerable but not being able to walk and/or get out of bed is miserable.  After 3 hours, I am all done.  This gentleman that I have seen about 3 times was also done.  He has 12 more sessions to go.  He asked the nurse to schedule him when I come back in 3 weeks.  She says she can't because he is on his 2 week break from chemo. He looked sad that this was our last time seeing each other.  He comes to hug me goodbye and I felt sad for a moment.  He was so nice to talk to.  So we hugged goodbye.  When he left, Dre looked at me and said, "Why your little boyfriend all sad?"  I had to laugh.  Was he acting jealous.  Yes!  I love it.  He knows how friendly I am and that I also makes friends wherever I go.  Shouldn't he be use to it after 13 years. LOL

We get home and I start feeling yucky.  I think to myself, this can't be.  That other two times after chemo, I didn't start feeling yucky until the 2nd day.  As the evening progresses, I start getting real tired and my mouth starts to get dry.  I just hope that this means I will get better sooner.  Who knows with chemo?  I just take one day at a time. What is most important is for me get rest and allow the chemo to do what it is suppose to do.  I prepare myself mentally for the next 7 days or so.  These I consider the "DAYS I WISH I WAS ON A BEACH INSTEAD OF AT HOME DAYS." I know it will be hard but I am fighting this all the way to the end.  God has helped me see and understand so much.  I don't get how anyone could live on this earth and not believe in God.  I know that my humanly peeps have helped and supported me tremendously.  However, I believe that my faith in God is the major reason that I am doing so well during this whole journey.  For that matter, my whole life.  I really shouldn't be here with the things that I have endured in my past.  But God continues to help me through it.  That is why I know for a fact that He has a bigger purpose for me on this earth.  When I leave this earth one day, I will leave it with a smile.  Because I know that I was chosen to do God's work and that is what I have always tried to do.  I live for the day when God looks at me with a smile and says, "Well done my child."  :)

Last Supper!!

This week has been kinda hard on me.  Over the weekend I started coming down with what I thought was a cold.  So I stayed in bed and rested. Couldn't take any medicines since I hadn't spoke with my doctor and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't taking anything that would interfere with my chemo tomorrow.  So I just drank orange juice and laid in bed all weekend.

First thing Monday morning, I called my doctor.  He said to take Benedryl and if I didn't feel any better by the next day, he would  check me out when I went in for blood work. I thought it might be allergies but I wasn't for sure since Kristina was sick and spreading germs everywhere. :)  She was trying so hard to not come near me but I didn't like that.  I really wanted to be Mom and help her.  But I didn't and couldn't catch whatever she might have.  She went to the doctor after work and found out that she had allergies. That did make me feel better. At least now she didn't have to walk around the house 100 feet away from me.  When she got back from the doctor, I did manage (through being sick myself) to make her some soup and give her some orange juice.  This may sound minimal in most people's eyes.  But this was major for me.  I wanted to be her healthy Mom and take care of her as she has been taking care of me these past few months.  So doing this little task of feeding her soup was important for me and for her.  No matter how old your children get, when they are sick, they want to be pampered by someone.  So this was my chance to pamper her.

In the evening, I had some surprise visitors.  Even though I wasn't feeling well, I couldn't turn them away.  One was a family that we have known for a very long time.  They were in town visiting and wanted to come see and check on me.  They came and brought me this beautiful bracelet that was wooden in nature but had these charms on it.  Each charm was a different Saint.  They said they wanted me to wear it for healing and faith.  I thought that was very nice.  They are Catholic and I really don't understand the Catholic faith, however, I am open for any type of spiritual healing.

Another visitor was a very dear and old friend of mines from Wichita.  She now lives in Kansas City, KS, but works here 3 days a week.  We hadn't seen each other for awhile.  A long time.  She walked into my house looking like a million bucks.  I on the other hand felt like I looked like a raggedy doll.  We just sat and reminisced about the past.  Just being with her made me feel so good.  It was nice talking about things we use to do and talking about our families.  For both of us, a lot had happened.  Our lives had changed in many different ways.  Yet, the one thing that has stayed constant with us was our love for one another.  From the moment that she walked in, it was as if we had been talking every single day.  It didn't feel any different.  I had a hat on when she arrived but by the time she left, I had removed my hat and was brave enough for her to see me bald.  All she said was that I looked beautiful and I believed her.  Just looking at her eyes, I could see that even though she looked like a million bucks, in her eyes I looked like a million bucks too.  She was just glad to see me as much as I was glad to see her.  Our outer appearances didn't matter at all.  What mattered was that our hearts were one and we shared the same love for one another.  We vowed to stay connected this time and not let time past so long before we connect again.  I won't let it happen again.  Life is too short and I learn that every day.

Got up Tuesday feeling kinda yucky.  My joints had been hurting me for the past few days.  So in order to get out of bed each morning, I have to pop a pain pill.  One is usually all I need but I hate that I have to take it at all.  It seemed that whatever was wrong with me was still making me feel sick.  I was laying in bed and then I started receiving text messages on my phone that said, "Congratulation's! You deserve it."  I was confused.  What were they talking about?  I then logged into my work email and I see this email.  It says that I was "Employee of the First Quarter."  My phone rings and it is my Manager telling me that I was nominated and I was picked.  Wow, this literally made my day.  I couldn't have been more happy or more proud since my job is very important to me.  God only knows how important.  Being forced to be home and not work tends to put things in perspective.  One of those things is the blessing of having a job to go to and having the health to get there.  This was a wonderful way for me to wake up on this day.  

In the afternoon, I go see my doc and he checks me out.  He says that I just had allergies.  That did relieve me.  He also said that my blood work looked great.  Yes, he used the word great!!  This meant that I would be able to get my chemo this week.  I was suppose to get it today but he rescheduled it to Thursday.  That was fine with me.  I am just excited to be almost done.  Tomorrow, Andre is taking me and this will begin my week of HELL. I am use to it but I am not going to lie.  It is HELL!! But after this treatment, then I will only have one more.  That means I can finally see the finish line.  When this all began, this place in the race seemed so far off.

After my doctor appointment, I reluctantly met with my team for my Susan G. Komen 3 day walk in November.  Only reluctant because I wasn't feeling so hot.  I haven't been able to meet since during the other meetings I was just too ill.  It was only going to be for an hour.  I just had to go and let them know that I was still interested.  Meeting these beautiful and spiritual women was just what I needed.  This walk is very important to me.  I am passionate about raising money to help find a cure for breast cancer.  These women made me feel so welcomed and I could feel their big hearts.  When we were discussing the walk, I was trying to explain that I may not be able to do a lot of walking since I will only have one month to prepare and try to build up my energy level.  They looked at me and said in unison, "Don't worry, we will walk for you!"  That very statement brought tears to my eyes.  God bless them for that statement.  It sent chills down my spine.  God is so wonderful how he has directed his Angels on earth to me.  That is what they are.  They may not know it but they are Angels in my eyes.  I am on a mission to raise the money that I need to and I will raise it.  By the grace of God, He will make sure I do.  I believe that. I thank God for allowing me to be in the "Breast Cancer Club."  It is a very special club and a club filled with a lot of love.  Love is what I live my life by.  I feel honored to be a part of it.

So today, I am mentally preparing myself for chemo tomorrow. I am trying to tidy my room up and make sure that I have all my meds ready.  Need to make sure I have everything I need to be comfortable for the next 7-8 days.  Even though I know what to expect, I still get really nervous about it.  It isn't getting the chemo treatment but the side effects that I get afterwards.  That is the part that I dread.  I know starting tomorrow, all foods and liquids that I drink will not have any taste. So tonight, I am going to have a good dinner.  The night before chemo for me is like the last meal that you give to a person on death row.  LOL  This time around, I chose pot roast, rice, peas (my favorite) and cornbread.  For dessert, I think I will have some apple pie.  I better enjoy it because after tomorrow, it is downhill on tasting anything.  Oh, well, it could be worse.  I could really be on death row and this could really be my last meal! Until the next time, Chow!!

Pink is the New Black!!

These past few days have been slow for me.  I have mainly been just resting up and trying to regain energy.  I am officially sick of Lifetime now.  So I have resorted to reading news articles on the internet and reading magazines.  TV has now started to bore me.  I am so ready to return to my job and use my mind in a more useful way.  I have come to the realization that I could never just be a stay at home person.  I love to be around people too much.  Maybe it would be nice if I lived by the ocean, had lots of money in the bank, and I could travel whenever I wanted.  But until that day comes, I am so ready to return to my job!!  It will come soon enough.

Thursday was spent resting most of the day.  I was really tired from my day before and my joints were really sore.  Most of this day was spent in bed.  I chose to not take any pain pills because they knock me out and make me so useless.  So, I suffered through the pain and just laid in bed.  However, in the early afternoon, I had a visit from a friend and her daughter.  It was nice to see them and just catch up.  Getting visitors really makes me feel good.  Then in the afternoon, I got a text from a special young man.  He wanted to come visit and check on me.  I thought how sweet.  Well, we decided to go to a movie in the evening.  I hadn't been to a movie all summer.  This excited me.  I was in so much pain but I really wanted to see the movie.  Just to do things like I use to is what I need these days.  I am really working hard at not getting depressed.  I am now getting to the point where I want this all to be done.  But I know I have to be patient and not let it get me down.

So Andre, Kristina and I go to the movie to meet my special young man.  I didn't take a pain pill but I did bring one so when the movie was over, I could take it right away.  I wanted to be awake for my movie.  We arrive at the movie theatre and when I get there, I see not just one young man but five young men!  These are boys that I am very close to and I love like my own.  They bring me joy!  They make me feel so loved and cared for.  I feel blessed that they want to be around me.  I walk up to them and they all hug me.  Now, I didn't wear my wig.  This was the first time they have seen me bald.  I did have a hat on but one can easily tell that I am bald.  But what was so strange, was that these boys treated me like they always had.  It was a comedy and laughter is what I really needed.  I just looked at all those boys and it made me smile to think that they wanted to share this evening with me.  They could have been anywhere having fun like young boys do but they were here spending the evening with me. :)  I take my pain pill after the movie and wait for it to work it's magic.  And it does.

Woke up Friday not feeling so hot.  Feel like I am coming down with a cold or something.  This starts to worry me.  Chemo lowers my white blood cells.  These are the cells that fight off infection.  I start to worry if maybe I was going to get a cold and at the same time, praying I don't.  I don't want to be sick going into my chemo treatment.  Not even sure if they would allow me have chemo if I am sick.  So I decided to just rest and drink lots of vitamin C.  My joints were still sore and I take another pain pill.  I don't know if I was just tired, or this cold was getting to me.  I was maybe up for about 5 hours and then I feel asleep and slept most of the day.  Didn't feel like I was missing any sleep but my body was sure telling me it was tired.  The only thing that I hate is that when I woke up around 5:30 p.m., I knew it was going to be a very long night.  My sleeping pattern was going to be all messed up.  Oh, well.

It is so funny how I never use to like pink but now I love it.  It is my color of choice.  Mostly because of what it stands for.  Having Breast Cancer has shown me so much. It has opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I have met so many different people.  It has shown me the importance of friends, family and love! It wasn't a bad thing getting Breast Cancer but more of a blessing.  I know that sounds strange but it is true.  The things I know today or the way I live my life wouldn't be the same if I didn't get it. This whole journey has taught me so much.  I have learned so much.  I never realized how I have touched people.  Not trying to sound conceited but I am realizing that by being kind and smiling at someone can really make their day.  This is something I have always tried to do.  But this is me.  I give out to others what I want back.  Don't always get it but that isn't going to change me.  Evidently, I have touched some young boys that I know.  They went to the mall and bought pink G-shock watches.  That is huge.  They both vowed to wear the watches in honor of me!!  Wow, that is deep.  To be so young but care so much for someone and what they are going through is wonderful.  This gesture was greatly appreciated by me!  Just so nice to know that I have somehow, someway inspired these boys.  Kind souls tend to always find each other in this great big world of ours.

I also received my "Team Evelyn" t-shirts yesterday in the mail.  My friend and her lovely daughter's had them designed for me.  When I opened the box, it brought tears to my eyes.  It seems like I have been crying a lot these days.  Mostly tears of joy.  It is so amazing the outpour of love I am getting.  Looking at the shirts was just one of those times when I just feel so blessed that others care about me.  This shirt will remind me of how I have fought and survived breast cancer.  Something I set out to do at the very beginning of my journey!  This shirt makes me feel like I have already won for on this shirt it also says, "Claiming Victory."  I claimed victory at the very start.  I knew I had to believe that I would beat this.  I had to think positive and know that I would get through this with flying colors.  These shirts will hopefully help me earn money for my walk in November.  I pray that I have touched enough people that they will want to buy one for a cure for breast cancer or just for ME!!  :)

 

So Ready to be Done!

What a nice and relaxing week I have had so far.  After my very busy and exhausting weekend, I haven't really done much except relax and try to get my body ready for my next chemo session!  I am starting to feel really happy and excited.  I only have two more chemo sessions and then I am all done.  Done with the side effects, done with being at home all the time, done with taking all the pills, done with not being able to go to work and done with Breast Cancer.  To be at this stage in the game is a good feeling.  I remember when I was first diagnosed and looking ahead seemed so far away.  That finish line is looking closer and closer each day.

My physical appearance has changed a lot.  It feels weird to have no hair on my head but at the same time it is refreshing.  Not having to do my hair is nice.  I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes.  Kinda weird when I am suppose to lose them.  So everyday I look at myself in the mirror and wait to see if it looks like they are thinning out.  Hair in other places has fallen out but those two areas seem to be intact.  Now, I wonder what color my hair on my head will be when it decides to grow back.  Will it be gray, brunette or another color?  Won't get that answer until it starts to happen.  No matter what color it is, I will feel very happy that it is growing back in.  This bald head isn't so bad.  My family is use to it and they don't make me feel any different.  I really miss my artificial nails.  Had to take them off because I read that my nails might turn black.  Plus, I wanted to stay away from getting any type of infection.  Trying to stay away from crowds and germs.  Chemo kills white blood cells and getting an infection is more likely for a person taking chemo.  I am gaining weight and I hate it.  I was already a big girl and being on the steroids isn't helping.  But I have to be on the steroids to help with the chemo side effects and help fight infection.  So my bodily appearance isn't so pretty but you do what you have to do.  I just want to be all done and get back to being me.  This whole journey is teaching me so much about patience.

I spent the majority of Monday and Tuesday just resting.  However, on Tuesday I had to go see my oncologist to get my blood work done.  I was pleased to find out that my white blood cells, my hemoglobin and my red blood cells looked great!! My doctor told me  that he was so pleased with how well I was doing on chemo.  He told me to continue doing what I was doing.  I had to laugh at that statement.  I wasn't doing anything except resting, watching TV, reading and eating a lot.  But if those things are keeping me well enough to get my chemo treatments, then by golly, I will keep doing it.  :)  It made me feel very happy to know that I am getting chemo and doing so well.  My blessings are continuing and I am so grateful for it.  I know there are so many who are not doing so well medically and I feel selfish being so happy about my outcome.  It doesn't seem fair that I am making it through but there is someone somewhere not doing as well.  All I can say is that I am thankful and that I pray for others to do well.

Today, I woke up feeling a little out of it.  I had a slight headache and my joints were killing me.  Wanted to take a pain pill but I couldn't.  I needed to visit my doctor and then I had lunch plans with my friends from work.  So I slowly got up and got dressed to venture out.  Seeing my friends from work always excites me.  No matter how much pain I was in, I really wanted to see them and suffering for a little while was well worth it.  We had a lovely lunch, laughed with each other and just enjoyed each other's company.  This is the second time since I got sick that I was able to meet with them.  It really helps me when I see them.  Like I had said before, it makes me feel included and like I am part of the team again.  Being at home all summer like I have, has been really lonely.  Just to feel a part of their lives helps me a lot. After lunch, we said our goodbyes and each time I do that, I tear up.  Not sad tears but happy tears.  I am so blessed to have co-workers/friends that really care and love me!  They are my family and when I see them, I am overjoyed.  I just pray that if they ever need me, I can be there for them.  I love them so much and appreciate them being in my life.

I not only appreciate my friends at work, I so appreciate the other important friends in my life.  One such friend and her daughter designed a "Team Evelyn" t-shirt for me.  It is so beautiful and their gesture is so kind.  I plan on wearing this T-Shirt for my Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk in November.  This shirt can also be part of my fundraising.  My goal is $3000 and I plan on reaching that goal, if not going over it.  This walk is very important to me and very personal.  When I saw the t-shirt design, it made me smile.  Getting Breast Cancer has been a blessing in my life.  I have met some really neat people because of it.  It has opened my eyes and heart to things that I might not have been a part of.

Overall, I had a nice day.  Just like any outdoor excursion, I was whipped by the time I got home from lunch.  It is so funny.  Whenever I go out like that, coming home is like the best feeling.  The fatigue and being exhausted is so overwhelming.  As soon as I step foot in the house, I start stripping down.  Take off my hat, take off my bra, take off my clothes, take off my shoes and then I put my pajamas on.  Before I can say anything, I am in the bed or on the couch and I can literally hear my body saying "Awwwwwwww, it feels so good to be here." LOL  So I spent the rest of the day comatose and just relaxing.  Chemo is in 6 days and I need to get this body ready for another battle!

A Weekend of Joy!!

I sit here so tired that I can not even get out of bed!  But this tired feeling that I am feeling was so worth it.  This past weekend was wonderful and memorable for me for many reasons. Let me lay it out day by day.

Friday started out really nice.  It had been a long week with chemo and trying to work through it.  Chemo was hard but not as hard as the first time.  Maybe that is hard to understand but one would have to be me to fully understand what I mean.  On this day, is when I start to feel like a person again.  Not like this lifeless zombie laying around the house.  This is the day that I usually just relax and try to get my self back up to par.  I guess one could call it day one of replenishing my body.  That is just what I did all morning.  Then I get this phone call from a close friend.  She wanted to remind me that later on that evening, her son was going to play in a 3 on 3 basketball game and that he really wanted me to come.  I told her I would try and come.  Now, when I said that I would try and come, I really didn't think I was going to go because I was very queasy in the stomach, very tired and I hadn't ventured out the house with my bald head yet.  Well, as the day went on, all I can hear my friend saying was that her son wanted me there.  That is key.  A child wanted me to see him do something.  That is my weakness.  So, when Dre got off work, I told him that I needed to go downtown to watch this basketball game.  He looked at me and said, "Are you sure?  Are you up to it??"  I was sure but being up to it was probably a different story.  However, I got dressed and put on my hat.  I looked at the wig and decided that I would just throw on a hat.  It was only going to be for an hour and I can handle that.

Well, Dre loads me up and we head downtown to this basketball game.  First, what was I thinking.  We had to try and park at this event.  We couldn't find a spot close so I had Dre drop me off front by the doors because I knew I couldn't walk too far.  But as I sat there waiting for Dre to come, I realized that I was sitting here with a bald head under my hat.  For some reason, I felt so very insecure.  I was scared to look at people in the face for fear that they would stare at me.  So I just looked down and waited on Dre to walk up.  When he does, we walk into the building to go find my friend and her son.  Then it dawns on me that I am walking in this very public place with a hat on that is covering a bald head.  If anyone was staring, I didn't care at this moment.  All I was concerned with was seeing this little boy and basketball game.  As I walked up to the court, he saw me and he smiled. We watch game, this little boy was hitting his shots and doing a great job.  I sat there and smiled as I watched him get so excited when he would hit his baskets! When the game was over, he comes over to us and I give him a big ole hug.  I give him advice on what he needs to do to get better.  We talk and then he says the sweetest thing to.  I said "You are my favorite guy." And he replies, "You are my favorite friend."  That moment was so worth me coming and venturing out for the first time with my bald head. I thanked him for helping me concur my fear of leaving the house with a bald head for the first time.  He just smiled!  We left the game and I felt such a warmth in my heart.  To see a child smile because you made them feel happy is what life is all about.  I get home and I head straight to the bed.  This little outing was way too much for me.  I slept for 12 hours.  But was it worth it?  Heck yeah.  Well worth it.

Saturday was going to be another day of me needing to build up my energy.  I had to attend a wedding that evening.  This wedding was a very important event and I could not miss it.  So I spent the whole entire day in bed.  I rested and I didn't do much of anything. The prior day's escapade had worn me out anyway so resting all day was what I needed.  I really wasn't up to the level of feeling that great but I didn't want to disappoint the bride or groom. I told them I would be there and that was very important to me.  In order to enjoy two hours of this wedding, I knew it was going to take a whole day of resting to muster up the energy to get dressed and attend this event.  Well, evening comes and it is time for me to get my clothes on.  I had to take every will in my body to get this accomplished.  This was something that I didn't have to do alone.  Kristina and my lovely niece Abi helped me all the way.  I felt like I was an 80 year old woman but I so needed the help.  Tonight was going to be a night that I was going to have to wear my wig.  I was very nervous and I was so worried that everyone was going to notice how fake it looked.  Once I was all dressed, I put on my makeup and then I put on the wig.  It made me feel so not like me.  I felt so uncomfortable.  Yet, Andre, Kristina and Abi all kept saying how beautiful I looked.  Even though they said that, I just felt they were saying it because they loved me.

We arrive at the wedding and that insecurity started to hit me again.  I was so nervous to get out the car.  But I had to and I had to walk into this wedding.  I begin to see the people I love. They walk up to me and give me hugs.  They hadn't seen me since my whole journey had begun.  The love that I felt was so nice.  There were lots of tears.  I believe just seeing me made them feel that I was actually going to be okay.  They all told me that I looked beautiful and that they were so happy that I came to the wedding. As good as I may have looked on the outside, I was struggling trying to act like I felt good.  I get to my seat and wait for this wedding to begin.  As I am sitting there, I am looking around to see if people are staring at me with my wig on.  Sounds ridiculous but that is what I was doing.  I didn't see too many stares but I did notice that there were other women there wearing wigs.  I had to wear a wig because of cancer and I think there were just wearing wigs because they wanted to.  So what was I tripping on??? I said to myself, "Evelyn, you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Just go with it."  :)  And that I did.  After this beautiful wedding was over we went to the reception.  Now, I couldn't do anything but sit because I just wasn't up to it.  But I watched the love in the room and watched everyone having a good time.  This was yet another event that was well worth me getting out for.  This brought joy to my heart.  I have spent the whole summer literally confined to my house and getting out this weekend has really helped me.  Made me feel like my old self just for a moment!!

Sunday, my body was so tired and so exhausted that it took every ounce of me to get it moving.  On this day, I just focused on getting rest and nothing else but that.  The one thing that I learned over this weekend was that the people that love you the most, do not care if you wear a wig or if you are bald, they just want you around.  They just want you to be a part of their life.  I was putting so much emphasis on my wig, being bald that I forgot the importance of being with the ones you love.  Should I have stayed in the house and rested this weekend?  Yes.  Am I glad I went to watch basketball game and go to wedding? Yes.  In the great big scheme of things, I wouldn't change nothing that I did this weekend.  As I sit here on Monday morning typing this blog, I am suffering from a headache, nauseous stomach, no taste buds and extreme fatigue.  But I know these symptoms are only the aftermath of chemo.  Did anyone know that over the weekend I was feeling this way?  No.  I covered it up pretty well.  My nephew even said to me, "Auntie, you didn't even act or look like you had cancer." Heck no, I didn't.  I told myself from the beginning that I was not going to let cancer win.  This past weekend, cancer was shut down. With the help of the ones I love, I was able to act like Evelyn before cancer just for a moment.  It was something I really needed to do for my self.  When you are medically sick, one not only needs to take care of their body but you must also take care of your mind.  I had been feeling like I missed so much over the summer.  But this weekend, made me feel whole.  Made me feel so much better.

Now, the rest of the week I will spend trying to replenish my body for my next chemo treatment in 7 days.  That will be my third treatment and I will almost be done.  ;)  I had the best weekend and my heart is full of joy!!

Life is Precious!!

Chemo is so draining to my body.  I have done nothing but lay around and eat.  Eating like there is no tomorrow.  The last time I had cancer over 20 years ago, I lost so much weight.  I looked like walking death.  This time around, I am gaining weight.  Look like a blimp and feel like Shamu the whale with all the water that I am drinking.  I know a lot of the weight gain is due to the steroids that I am on.  But, man oh man, I didn't realize it was going to be this bad.  The ONLY thing I was looking forward to with chemo was losing weight.  But I was so wrong in thinking that.  I haven't lost one pound.  I crave foods like I am pregnant. It has a lot to do with my taste buds.  I like something one day and then the next day, it sounds nasty to me.  During my first session, I only wanted to eat Cap N Crunch..this session, the thought of Cap N Crunch makes me ill to my stomach.  Chemo for me lasts about 7 days..then the next 7 days is me trying to get by body back healthy and regain energy..then it is time for chemo again!  This is such a roller coaster ride.  Up, down, up and down.  Yet, the down part isn't any fun at all.  It actually really sucks!!  I am at the phase of chemo where I am feeling really ugly.  No hair, skin isn't looking too healthy, lips stay chapped, fingernails look bad and my whole demeanor is downright not where I want it to be.  However, I know this is just part of it all.  I haven't lost my eyebrows or my eyelashes yet.  Each day I look in the mirror and wait to see if I notice them leaving.  Not yet.

Ron left to go back home to Florida yesterday morning.  It was very sad for me to see him leave.  He has been my right hand man, my confidante, my personal assistant and my buddy for the past few  weeks.  It has been so nice having him home and having him take care of me.  Instead of the parent taking care of the child, it was the child taking care of the parent.  I was in a very somber mood most of yesterday.  I hated that he had to go back home but at the same time, I was so proud of him.  He is fulfilling his dream of going to law school and that makes me happy.  I just want  both of my children to be happy and well-adjusted adults.  That is all I hope for.

Today is the day that I need to just rest my body.  Chemo attacks and it is like a battle. I feel like I am at war the seven days after my treatment.  On that 8th day, I am so totally drained.  Not drained from working out or overexerting myself but drained from the chemo drugs that are attacking the cells in my body.  The next few days will be me just trying to build up energy and rest. I need to allow my cells to recharge and get healthy for the next chemo session.  It feels good to say that I am halfway done with the treatments.  I am so ready to be all the way done.  But I am learning the importance of patience in this world.  Things will come in time.  I so understand that.  I don't want to rush life.  This has taught me to just relax and enjoy the moment.  Life is precious and we should never take it for granted.  I have to keep telling myself this.  In the past, I might have done this but in my future, I do not want to rush through life anymore!!  






 

My Superman!!

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I just started thanking God for my life and my blessings.  Lately, I have been doing a lot of that.  Life is so precious and often, I have taken it for granted.  The past few days have been rough.  The side effects started to hit me like clock work.  I was hoping that this time around it would be easier than the first session.  Well, it wasn't.  It was the same.  I got the mouth sores, no taste buds, headaches, diarrhea, extreme fatigue and body aches.  It started to hit me at the exact same time as last time.  Only this time I was prepared.  I was proactive and these side effects weren't getting me down this go around.  They may try physically, but emotionally, I wasn't going to let it happen.

This summer was spent differently than I would normally have spent it.  I missed a lot of fun and basketball games this year.  For the past 6 years, I have spent every summer traveling and attending basketball events.  It has felt weird to not go to the various events and support the kids I love.  All I have been able to do is just pray for them and pray that they all had a wonderful summer and that they got the looks from coaches that they needed.  To watch Andre this summer has been somewhat hard on me.  I know he loves me and wanted to be here to help me, as he has done.  Yet, I know he wanted to be at all the different tournaments this summer to hang out with his basketball family and friends.  In the past, we use to have these disagreements because I would get jealous that he spent so much time dealing with basketball and talking on the phone about basketball.  Typical wife complaints like: you don't spend enough time with me, basketball is more important than me, you talk to others about basketball more than me, you are more worried about basketball than me, etc.... I love how generous and kind he is and I KNEW he was only doing what his heart desired.  However, that jealous monkey would always creep in and make me feel like I was second to his basketball escapades.  How wrong was I?? So very wrong.  This summer has shown me how VERY important I am to him.  I should have known it but what can I say.  I am a wife and sometimes we do, we believe and we say stupid things.  My Breast Cancer made us miss so much...my nephew's Draft party, Las Vegas AAU national tournament, various NBA skill camps, multiple AAU tournaments, Adidas Nations camp, Nike Global, Las Vegas excursions, a close friend's daughter's wedding, a 70th birthday party for someone special, graduations parties, promotions/changes at work, and a lot of other things that I would normally do in the summer. Through all the things that we missed, Andre has continued to show me his love for me.  We both would have opted for no breast cancer this summer but we got it and we dealt with it together.  This is what marriage is all about.  When we made those vows in 1999 and said "for better, or worse, in sickness and in health," we meant it.  Andre has stood by me for better and now for worse..he is here in sickness and has always been here in health!  He has proven to me the blessing of our union.  Our marriage has had it's ups and downs but through it all, we have maintained a deep love for one another.  A love so deep that NOTHING can make it fail.  It is strong and it is secure.  We are bonded and this has made my journey so much easier.  It is funny. When I first met Andre, I fell in love at first sight.  From the first day, he has been my my rock, my hero, my Superman!  He really needs a cape with a big old "A" on it for Andre! :) I am thankful for so much these days.  However, I am most thankful for my husband and the man that he is.  Our children are so blessed to have him for Dad.  He has kept this house together when at times I thought it was going to crack.  He has held the kids together when their Mom was too weak and couldn't.  He has went to work, come home and cleaned, cooked dinner, mowed the lawn and then comfort me.  He has tried to stay involved in our extended kids lives this summer by calling them and encouraging them.  He is Uncle Dre to so many and I see from first hand how much he loves these kids and fights for their futures.  He is a plain old good man.  He is my Superman and I am so proud to say that!!

Tomorrow, Ron leaves and I am starting to get sad.  Having him here has been really nice.  But I know that he must return to his life in Florida and back to law school.  I just pray that he goes with a peaceful mind.  I don't want him to worry about me.  I will be fine.  Chemo makes it look like I won't but it is only a part of the process of healing.  The next time my son sees me, I will be all done with chemo and on the road to recovery.  My hair will start growing back in and I will start having more energy.  That is what I am looking forward to.  Returning to my old self.  I don't regret what I am going through but I can't help but hope for better days.  Days where I can look back on this whole journey and smile because I did it.

Received another donation to the walk.  That is wonderful.  This walk is very important to me and raising money to fight Breast Cancer is much more important.  I know God is using me right now and it feels so good to be used by God.  My goal will be met because I believe it will.  Once I am up and on my feet, the fundraising will begin strong.  Breast Cancer needs to be stopped in its tracks and a cure needs to be found.  Too many shameless deaths from it and too many people being diagnosed daily.  I am a prime example of someone who thought I would never get it.  No past medical history, no symptoms, no lump, past good mammograms, and I did self exam each month.  But this year, my mammo came back abnormal and it shocked me.  Early detection is what helped me. That is the key.  Many women over the age of 40 don't even go and get yearly mammo's.  We must do it for our lives.  If I can encourage just one person to get their annual mammo, I would be happy. My voice is going to be heard whenever I speak.  I will preach and preach on mammograms to all that I meet.  My story will not be silent because I want to tell everyone about it.  I want to save as many lives as I can with my story.  Some may not want to know about it but that doesn't matter.  I am here for the ones that want to listen.  Can't please everyone but I can please someone.  Hopefully, that someone that I please will pay it forward and help someone else.  We need a domino effect to win this battle with Breast Cancer. I will spend the rest of my life fighting and helping where I can to find a cure!!  

A Calmer Me!

I love Sunday's!! There is just something about waking up on a Sunday morning and seeing the sun out the window.  I know it is a holy day and maybe that is why it is my favorite day of the week. Kinda bummed that I wasn't going to be able to go to church on this Sunday.  The chemo has started it's destruction of cells and I can feel it all over my body.  I am too drained and too exhausted to even think of getting out the house.  The one thing that really makes me happy these days is going to church.  It is the boost that I need to get me through the week.  But on this particular Sunday, I must miss it.

Andre wakes up and goes crazy cleaning up the house, washing clothes and making sure that I am alright.  He has decided to bar-b-que on this day. I would love to say that it was for me, but I know it wasn't.  For one, I have no taste buds and he knows that. But he is cooking for his son and daughter.  They love it when he grills. :)  I expected to just lay around all day and rest up.  Chemo makes me really sleepy and I expected to be napping most of the day.  I spend the whole day just enjoying my life.  Even though I felt really bad, it was nice to be home with my husband and kids just relaxing. Later in the day, I had some unexpected visitors.  Two very special people in my life came over to check on me.  I really wasn't up to it but my heart wanted to see them. I needed to see them.  Being in the house healing, has made me very lonely at times. I miss being involved with others and enjoying the things life has to offer.  Before Breast Cancer, I was active. I never let the sun set under my foot.  Always busy doing something. Now, I have been forced to slow down and chill.

I was nervous for them to see my bald head but I also knew that they wouldn't make me feel any different than who I was.  I am not going to cover my head up when I am home. There is no shame in my bald head.  But as people see it for the first time, I do look at their eyes for their expressions.  So far, I see nothing but love.  These people love me for me.  They don't care about me being bald.   They just want to see me healthy and back to my old self. That is the same thing that I want too.  I want to be all done with chemo and back to my old self.  I have noticed that getting breast cancer has made me more calmer than I have ever been.  I truly have learned to take life at a slower pace.  Each moment is so precious to me and I don't want to take these moments for granted.

My Sunday was perfect!  Didn't do anything in particular but the day was just so nice.  It was so nice to be with people I love.  Nice to look at their faces and see the love in their eyes.  No matter how sick I feel during this chemo, I will not let it take away my joy in my heart.  Joy in the heart is something that nothing can take away if you don't allow it.  I have always had joy in my heart and want to see others with the same joy.  I was determined from the beginning of this, that I was not going to let cancer win and that I was going to win.  If cancer was going to try to take me down, my promise to myself was that I wasn't going to let it.  Decided that I was going to kick, scream and fight cancer until it is gone.

On another note, I am truly excited about something that I am going to participate in.  I am going to do the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure in November.  I am on a team and we are going to raise money to find a cure.  This excite me so much.  I have always wanted to do this but never did because I was always too busy doing other things.  Another blessing of Breast Cancer was opening the doors to helping others.  A very dear friend of mines has ordered some "TeamEvelynClaimingVictory" t-shirts in honor of me.  I feel so honored that she did this.  My team captain would like to probably use them for our team. I have a goal of personally raising $3000.00 and I know I will reach my goal.  I got my first donation today and the joy that I felt was so exciting.  I was excited because I knew that donation was just one step closer to finding a cure for Breast Cancer. The passion that is building in me for a cure deepens each day.  I know this is just the beginning and that my involvement will get even more intense each year.  Getting Breast Cancer was a good thing for me.  It is making me a better person and putting me in touch with some very special people.  My need to help others has always been there but that need is much more intense now.

Right now, it is Monday afternoon and I am letting the chemo do its thing.  My mouth isn't as sore this time.  I suppose that is because I was proactive and got that mouthwash.  It has worked.  My body is starting to ache and I feel extremely tired but it is expected.  I am glad that Ron is here with me to help me out.  He leaves Thursday and I am starting to get sad.  He needs to return to school and get on with his life.  He has helped me a lot while he has been here and the time we have spent has been awesome. This quality time with him has helped me tremendously in my healing process.  I know I am going to be just fine.  My future looks bright and I can see the light.  Next year when I look back over this time, there will be smile on my face because I will know that I fought for my life and never gave up!!!

Bald is suppose to be beautiful, right??

Saturday started out fairly nice.  Still had some taste buds and mouth wasn't that sore.  I wonder if buying Biotene (a moisturizing mouthwash) might have helped this time.  Like I said, I was prepared this time around.  Noticed that more of my curly hair left on my head was coming out all over the house.  I knew today would be the day that I would have to shave my head.  My wonderful friend Sheila said she would do it for me but for some reason, I wanted Andre to do it.  Cutting it all off was going to be emotional for me.  I know Sheila would have done a good job.  However, I just wanted Andre to do it.  He had offered and that made me feel good that he wanted to. I asked him and I knew he would say yes.  Since getting breast cancer, he says yes to everything. LOL  One of the perks of being ill, I suppose.

Lately, I am not feeling like myself.  I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel deformed and I feel sad.  I know it is because of all the changes to my life and myself.  There is no pity in me, just feelings of change. Buying the wig wasn't hard but having to have to wear false hair isn't my greatest joy.  I will do it to not shock people of my bald head.  That is all.

So Andre sets up a chair in our bathroom, gets out his hair clippers and puts a towel around me like we are in a barber shop.  I look at myself in the mirror.  I guess this is it, Evelyn.  Time to go completely bald.  I wonder is my head going to look too big.  Is it going to look like a cone head.  My little sister used to say I had an egg head when we were growing up.  So, this is what I am thinking.  How is my head going to look bald?? Andre asks me if I am ready. No I am not ready but I have to be.  I have no choice at this moment.  I hear the clippers come on and I feel the first shave on my head.  Then it started.  The tears began to fall.  I watched as whatever little hair that I had left, fall to the ground.  I didn't realize how emotional this process is when you start losing hair. As he shaves away, I have a stream of tears falling.  Not so much sadness but just that I had to sit here and do this.  It took me years to grow my hair long and now it was all gone.  However, my hair was gone but my spirit was still intact.  When he was all done, he looked at me and said, "Honey, you are beautiful.  I love you!" Right at that moment, the tears stopped and all that matter was what he just said to me.  I am now glad that I let him do it.  His love for me is so deep and I knew that love is what would make this experience go smooth.

I jump into the shower to clean up myself and my newly shaven head.  As the water streamed on my head, it actually felt good.  I felt free. I felt so FREE!! Once again, I had to come to the realization that I was cancer free.  That this chemo is preventing future cancer cells.  That losing my hair, all these side effects and all these changes in my life now is allowing me to have a LIFE for later.  There is something so healing about water.  As I let the water flow over my whole body, I feel so good.  I feel like a new woman.  My breast area doesn't bother me anymore, my hair being gone doesn't bother me anymore and having chemotherapy isn't even an issue now.  What is important, is that God has given me another chance at life.  I am truly blessed.  I am so thankful.

I wait to see the kids and to see what they will say about their mom and her bald head.  Kristina is the first one to wake and comes into my room.  She says good morning and starts asking me what was planned for the day.  I am looking at her and waiting for some type of reaction to my head.  Nothing. I finally ask her, "You didn't say anything about my head."  She says, "Mom, what about it.  You are so beautiful." Another confirmation of how blessed I am to have her for a daughter.  Next, I wait on Ron's reaction.

So Ron gets up and comes to my room.  He looks at me.  I look at him.  He can tell that I am waiting on a reaction. I swear that child can read my mind.  This is what he says, "Mom, it looks good.  You don't look different at all.  It actually looks better than before."  The crazy thing is I believed him.  He is the most honest person I know and when he said that, I knew he meant it.  So bald head becomes me.  Wow, never knew it.

Spent the rest of Saturday resting and hanging with my family.  These past few weeks have been so nice.  It has felt like when the kids were in high school and it was just us.  It has been so comforting to me.  I am so blessed to have my husband and kids.  They are my life and they are the reason that I have this will.  The love of them is all I need in my life.  This love will continue to carry me throughout my life.  It is so simple.  Without love, you have nothing.  I am truly blessed that I can sit here and say that I am loved!!

Wig Shopping with my Son!!

Yesterday taught me a lot!! This was my wig shopping day. I wake up and go to take a shower. Look in the mirror and see that my hair is balding around the edges of my head. I now know that it is time for me to shave it bald.  I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I am not sure when they are suppose to fall out.  But eventually I know they will. Hair loss is a part of certain chemo drugs.  Something to be expected. It freaked me out in the beginning but now, it really doesn't bother me at all.  Once it is all gone, then I can look forward to it growing back.

Ron and I drive to this lovely wig shop/salon called "All About You." It is designed for women who have or had breast cancer.  The owner is a survivor and she wanted a place that was comfortable for women and could educate them on things.  We walk in and I feel good.  It has the warmth that I know will make me feel at ease when I choose my wig.  This lovely lady named Tracy introduces herself to us and I instantly love her.  I can feel her compassion and see the kindness in her eyes.  She takes us back to this private room and wants to first hear my story. I give her short version and then she asks to see a picture of what my hair looked like before.  She then asks me what type of style do I want and what color.  I give her an idea.  She pulls out all these wigs and I start trying them on.  Long wigs, short wigs, medium length wigs, brunette wigs, red wigs, light brown wigs and wigs with streaks.  I am so confused.  I like a few but I decided on this wig that was light in color with streaks.  I have always wanted light hair with streaks so I guess I might as well go for it now.  Even though I know this is temporary.  Ron was giving me great advice but the awesome man that he is, just kept saying it was MY decision!!  I kept looking at him with so much admiration. He NEVER would have went wig shopping with me if I wasn't ill right now.  NEVER!!!!!!  But when I asked him to go this time, there wasn't any apprehension in his voice when he said he would go.  This past week, he has been my personal nurse.  He has given a relief to Andre and Kristina.  It has been nice.  So we leave the shop with my new hair!  I was nervous at first thinking that everyone was going to stare at me and say, "Look at her wig."
I can slowly feel the side effects start to come.  My mouth is starting to feel weird and my stomach is queasy.  I had to make another stop at the hospital to get my after chemo shot.  So I figured that would be my first test drive on my wig duty.

We arrive at the hospital and we go in.  As I am walking in, I am looking at everyone's eyes to see if they are looking at me crazy.  They weren't.  No one looked at me crazy at all.  I was acting like this paranoid fool.  I kept saying to Ron, "Are people staring?? Can you tell it is a wig??"  He would respond, "Mom, stop it.  It doesn't matter if they stare. Remember, hair isn't important.  You are going to live." He always has a way of putting me back into perspective on things.  This is one thing that will help him when he becomes a lawyer.  :)  As I look at him, I am feeling so blessed and so proud that he is MY son.  A son that every mother would want.  This pleases my heart because I know that one day, he will make some woman a wonderful husband.  I raised him right.  He is a lot like my father and my husband.  He is trustworthy, he is loving, he is gentle and he has true compassion for the ones he loves and for others.  This makes me smile.  I just pray that God brings him a wife that will appreciate all these great qualities and love him back the same.  This is all I can hope and pray for as a Mother.

I get my shot and then we head home.  As soon as I get home, I take my wig off and prepare it for its wig stand.  Then, I get my pj's on and I pass out.  I was so tired.  My morning excursion was a lot for me.  The fatigue is horrible.

In the evening, I can feel my mouth starting to fade away.  This means white tongue, mouth sores and NO taste buds.  The last time this is what hit me first.  Then it starts to go downhill from there.  But this time I am prepared and ready.  I know what to expect.  Yes, it makes me nervous but I am halfway done with these treatments.  This next few days will be ugly and hard on me.  But that doesn't really bother me so much.  I am more concerned about Ron seeing me like this.  He has had to see a lot in the past week from his Mom.  From my hair shedding, the chemo treatment, seeing me so weak, the balding head and not seeing his Mom be her old self.  I know it is hard for him but he keeps smiling at me an treating me like nothing is wrong.  That is how he is.  Yesterday, at the hospital, he looked at me and said, "Mom, I am so proud of your fight and how you are holding up.  You are already a survivor.  You beat cancer twice.  Just think about that!!"  That statement brought tears to my eyes.  He is right.  I am a survivor.  I am just cleaning up the mess of the battle now.  Chemo is just preventing any more cancer cells from growing.  I am on the home stretch for the finish line!!

Tomorrow is about the time that my side effects start to hit pretty bad. I start getting the mouth sores, the dizziness, body aches, nausea, can't eat, and all over achy feeling. I will be down for awhile.  But I will be back up before I know it.  This time though it won't be so bad because I will have my Andre, my Kristina and my Ron here with me.  The three people that make me the most happy and the most safe.  I cherish these moments with them.  Rather it be sick or healthy, I love when we four are together.  At the end of day, that is all that really matters.  I fight this battle now for them.  I want to be around, God willing, for their futures.  The will to live is strong in me.  I know God is doing a lot in my life and I appreciate it.  I am truly a believer and all my faith is held in God and His word.  I couldn't have made it this far without my faith in God.  I am thankful each day and I let God know it.

Second chemo treatment...halfway done!!!! :)

Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really good.  Had a few things to do before I went for chemo since I know I will be down for about 6 days.  The last treatment hit me real hard and I anticipate the same will happen.  I hope not but I want to be prepared.  I change bed sheets, tidy up the best I can and get my meds situated.  After this is all done, I take a shower to get ready.  Ron and I go to lunch.  I try to eat a decent meal before treatment because the last time, I wasn't able to taste or eat anything for about 5 days.  Strange that I haven't been eating much but I still continue to gain weight.  When I asked my doctor about this, he said it was the steroids.  I hate that part.  The only good thing about cancer would have been the weight loss for me.  But oh well.  You can't have everything.

After lunch, we head to Walgreens so we can get snacks and a Redbox movie to help the time go while I am getting my chemo treatment.  We arrive at the doctor's office and I head to the chemo room.  I look at Ron and he looks somewhat apprehensive.  This is his first time doing anything like this.  I go to my recliner and get comfortable.  My nurse starts the IV and lets the fluids drip into my body.  I can feel and see Ron looking at me to see my expressions.  While sitting there, we meet some really neat chemo patients. One man was halfway done with 30 chemo treatments.  I felt guilty since I only had 2 more treatments at my half way mark.  We start conversations and just like me, I start trying to encourage and uplift.  It was nice and I think I helped.  Ron also was involved in the conversation and this helped take his mind off of what I was doing.  It doesn't hurt to get chemo but I can see he is worried about his Mom.  It takes about 3 hours for me to get all the drugs.  When it was all over, Ron and I head home.  I am normally very sleepy and tired after my treatment.  I get home, put my pj's on and get into my comfortable position of laying down.  A friend of Ron's calls and wants him to go the casino with him.  He doesn't want to go but I tell him to go.  I will be sleeping most of the evening any way.  He didn't want to leave his Mom but since he has been home, he has been stuck to me like white on rice.  He needed to go enjoy himself.  He leaves and I am happy.  And then I wait.  I wait for the side effects to hit me.  However, this time around will be different.  I know what to expect and I have a general idea of when it will hit me.  This is a battle.  I have come prepared this time.  I am ready to fight it with everything in me.  I hate Ron has to see it but he is a big boy and this will show him how strong his Mother is. I am so blessed to have the support that I do.  It helps so much.  The rest of the evening goes smooth.

Wake up today and feel good still.  Spent most of the day just resting and waiting.  I know at any minute, I will start feeling sluggish, get those dang mouth sores, no taste buds and pain in my joints.  But I have my ammunition ready for this fight.  Biotene mouthwash, check!!  Biotene mouth spray, check!! Straws so I can sip water, check!! Nausea meds, check!! REALLY good pain pills, check!!  So this girl is ready for this battle and I will win again!!!  I am halfway done and it feels good to be able to say that.  I remember when I was anticipating the chemo sessions and dreading them.  But each one is a closer day to being all done!!  This girl is on the road to recovery and it feels good.

Today, I am noticing bald spots and more hair coming out.  It is about time to shave my head bald.  I plan on calling my girl in the morning to get this done.  I also, against my wishes, asked my doctor for a prescription for a wig.  By the way, if you have to ask for this prescription, make sure that it is worded correctly.  It has to say "Cranial Prothesis" for insurance to pay for it.  I made an appointment to test drive some wigs.  I felt I should get one just in case I needed one if we go out or to an event.  I am not ready to rock a bald look just yet. :)  So tomorrow, my lovely Ron is taking his Mom to shop for wigs.  He didn't want to but at this time in my life, he is saying yes to everything I ask.  Trust me, this is something he would NEVER do if I was healthy.  LOL  It is kinda bittersweet for me though.  Thirty years ago when I had cancer the first time, my dad took me to do the very same thing.  So for Ron to be taking me this time, brought back some warm memories and a few tears. He is so much like my father and I know this wig buying experience will be memorable. I have been blessed with some really wonderful men in my life.  First my Dad, then my son and then my husband!!! A girl couldn't ask for anymore than that.

Tonight, Dre made us a lovely dinner and we had a nice night.  Watched our favorite family movie "Step Brothers."  We laughed and we ate.  It was so nice.  I knew this would be my last meal before tomorrow hits.  My taste buds will start to fade and the mouth sores will develop.  But like I said earlier, I am good.  I am a warrior and I will get through it.  This time it is nice that I have my whole family around me to help me.  It can't get any better than this!!  Well, that is a lie.  I could be all well, getting ready to fly to Las Vegas with them.  LOL  But don't worry, as soon as I am able, that is what we will be doing!!  I just need to finish this journey first!!  And I will finish it!! Was listening to a Smokie Norful song and heard these words:
I am going to run this race, take my proper place in the winning circle!! I am going to make it with amazing grace. So I will run until I am finish!  

Love is the best medicine!

Monday morning was nice.  I woke up feeling light headed.  Not from a headache but from not having any hair on my head.  It was a weird feeling to not have hair.  It was also a free feeling.  It felt good to have to not do much to it but wash it.  I did notice that no hair came out after I was done washing it.  Just maybe I thought, my hair may not fall out anymore.  But I know it was wishful thinking.  My eyebrows and my eyelashes are intact.  However, I know I am suppose to lose them too.  Each day, so many changes.  I have so much support around me and it is so nice.  I can't even imagine going this journey without support.  I feel so sorry for anybody who doesn't have a good support base.  I am thankful and I feel blessed for every single person who has encouraged me. They all own a piece of my heart.

I spent the majority of Monday just resting and watching movies with Ron.  That was nice.  Andre got home from work and decided to grill steaks and ribs.  I would love to say he did it for me.  But I know he did for Ron.  That is Ron's favorite.  I am not the only one that likes to cook Ron's favorites.  His father is just like me.  He brought home beer, ribs and steaks and went to cooking.  We had a nice family dinner and it felt good.  We ate and laughed like old times.  This was nice. It is these simple pleasures that make life so sweet.  My three make me so happy.  Me not having my hair wasn't even discussed this whole day.  They weren't looking at me weird or anything.  Actually, as we were watching TV after dinner, I noticed something.  Andre was sitting next to me and he reached over and started rubbing my hair on my head.  It was such a loving touch that it made me smile.  He rarely in the past would rub my hair like that when it was long.  However, this time, it was a feeling of so much love.  A feeling that told me that it will be alright.

Yesterday, I had a lot planned.  Well, a lot for me.  I had to go see my oncologist and then lunch with my co-workers. My day started out with me getting ready to leave.  As I was taking my shower, I noticed that there was hair in my hands when I shampooed my hair.  The day before, there was none.  But today there was more.  I immediately get out of the shower and text Sheila.  She calls and tells me to relax.  She wasn't going to shave my head until it was totally necessary.  So I guess that day will be soon.  I know it will be hard but I am ready.  I am ready to get it over with and just deal with it.  So I finish getting ready and throw on a hat.

Get to my doctor's office and wait to see him.  I am sitting in the lobby and watching these three little girls play.  So innocent and so cute.  The TV in the office is on and "The View" is what we are watching.  They have Debbie Gipson, an 80's singer, on there.  They show one of her videos from that era.  One of the little girls looks up and says, "They look so weird.  The clothes they wore way back then are funny looking."  I laughed to myself.  I remember that video and wearing those clothes.  This made me feel so old but at the same time, it made me feel so blessed that I was sitting here to hear that comment.  Especially since during the 80', I was battling Hodgkins Disease, another cancer.  To be able to sit in this oncologist office at 48 years old, is a true blessing.  Yes, I am battling cancer again but I will also win again.  I see my oncologist and he tells me that my blood work looked great.  That was encouraging.  I start telling him how tired and drained I have felt.  That I can't even make it to work most days.  He said that is normal and to just rest.  Chemo is different for everyone.  I need to stop comparing myself to others.  This is my body and my body is doing what it feels it needs to in order for me to heal.

Left doctor's office feeling good.  Now it was time for me to go meet my supervisor.  I get to the restaurant and I get a table.  Then in walks my wonderful supervisor and some co-workers/friends.  It brought tears to my eyes because I didn't expect that.  We eat lunch, talk and laughed.  This was so nice. It made me feel like part of the group and so normal.  I didn't feel like a sick person during this time.  It was definitely what the doctor ordered.  After eating, they all wanted me to come over to our new offices to see it and to see some of the reps.  I was at first nervous due to my hair being short but then after eating with them, I felt I could do it.

We get over to SOS and it felt so good to walk into that department.  This is what I know.  This is what I love.  I started seeing people and it was the BEST feeling ever.  Everyone was giving me so much love and hugs.  I was bursting with joy as I kept seeing people's faces.  Why was I nervous coming to see people that love me and people I love??? They all made me feel like I was back home.  Back home with family.  I am so thankful for my job and each and every person that I work with.  The joy I felt was like the joy on your birthday when you open gifts.  Each and every one of them was a gift to me.  :)  As I am visiting with everyone, I start to get overwhelmed with fatigue.  I can only do so much in day.  And I think I had overdid it.  I want so bad to have the energy that I use to have but this day wasn't the day for me.  I knew it was time for me to leave.

I said my goodbyes and drove home!!  I drove home with a smile plastered to my face the whole way.  I was so tired but this time I spent with my friends at work was so worth it.  I needed it more than they will ever know.  It gave me the strength and will to tackle this chemo today.  It made me want to fight even more because I know they all want me back at work as much as I want to be there.  They are some of the people that make me want to beat this cancer and get well.  I am thankful for them all and will forever hold everyone close in my heart.

Get home, run to room, take off all my clothes and put my pajamas on.  Go into den and I just flopped down on the couch.  I was sooooo tired.  This day had drained me but like I said earlier, so worth it.  Started getting a headache, so I popped a pain pill and just rested the entire evening.  I know I did a lot on this day.  Probably the most I have done since I got sick but this day was probably the best ever.  Seeing the people that I love and feeling included was what I needed.  Depression has tried to peek into my life off and on.  Especially last week.  But it was stepped on yesterday by everyone that I saw.  There is nothing to be depressed about when you have love in your life.  I have plenty of love in my life.  So I should never be depressed.  Yesterday showed me how love is the best medicine!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow!

I woke up yesterday and thanked God for getting me up!  I just love Sunday's and the feeling I get when I wake up Sunday mornings.  Went to the bathroom.  Looked in the mirror and for some reason, my hair just looked different.  Not sure why but it just did.  I put a comb through it and I saw it.  I saw the hair in the comb.  More hair than usual.  I put the comb down and just ran my hands through the ends and strands of hair started to come out.  I kept doing it and more came out.  That is when the flood of tears began.  Yes, I knew it was going to come out and I tried to prepare myself for it.  However, I don't think us cancer patients are ever ready when it actually happens. So, I just stood there in the bathroom and cried like a baby.  I stopped tugging at my hair and brushed it back into a ponytail.  Then I walked out into the kitchen and told Andre.  He looked at me and said, "Ok."  That was all he said.  I am not sure if that was the response that I wanted to hear but that is what he said. I tell Ron and he says "Ok."  Another response I wasn't expecting.  I tell Kristina and she says, "Ok."  So was that the answer that they discussed amongst each other or did they really not have an issue with my hair falling out.  I would venture to say that it wasn't a big deal to them at all.  They have made it very known to me that hair or not, I am still me.

I spend the rest of the day trying not to allow it to phase me but it does.  I kept pulling out strands all day.  We all were just laying around the house resting.  Andre and Ron were taking naps.  I was watching TV.  Finally, in the early evening, I was sitting on the couch just crying.  Kristina comes in and says, "Mom, call Sheila (a very close and special friend) and have her cut it bald for you." Kristina then offers to also cut her hair bald with me.  I know she couldn't mean it but the fact that she offered made me smile.  I wouldn't ask her to do that for me but it made my heart feel good to know she loved me that much. I decided that calling Sheila was the best thing to do because seeing my hair fall out in clumps was tearing me apart.  I call Sheila and ask her to help me.  She said  to meet her at her salon. So, Kristina drives me to her salon and I sit in the styling chair.  I look at myself and tears start to fall.  Sheila tells me relax and that she was not going to cut it bald yet.  She felt we should just cut it cropped to my head.  She first cuts my ponytail off to give to me.  Then she starts to cut it.  I watch the hair drop to the floor and for some strange reason, it wasn't sad to me anymore.  It was like watching cancer leave my body as each piece of hair dropped.  By the time that I was done, I had this cropped haircut.  It actually made me feel free.  I know that it will still fall out more but when that times comes, I will have Sheila shave it bald.  This whole journey has to be done in processes.  My life has changed so very much in the past two months.  I am thankful to God that change has never bothered me.  I have always been adaptable to whatever situation that I am in.  This isn't any different.  I just keep rolling with the punches and keep on stepping.  

I return home with my new hairdo.  I walk into the house and go into the bedroom.  I wake up Andre and he looks at me.  He just smiles and rolls back over.  I walk into the den and wake up Ron. He looks at me.  I said, "How does it look?"  He says, "Mom, your hair is not important. But it looks fine." I know they love me very much and they REALLY don't care about my outer appearance.  Especially if that meant that I was still going to be around.  I felt good and it made me feel so free.  I spend the rest of the evening watching a movie with my husband, my son and my daughter!  I love them so much!!  I love my friends as much.  The support and the love that I have received from them is powerful.  I don't think they even know how much I appreciate all the messages that I have been receiving.  It is those messages that lift me up each and every day.  The support that I have in my life is wonderful.  I just hope and pray that I can at some point in my life return the favor to each and every person that has sent love my way.  I know that I want to pay it forward in a big way.  I was telling someone today that God has blessed me so many times over the past few months.  It makes me smile.  I know that when I am all healthy and better, that God is going to be waiting for some payback.  LOL  I know that the rest of my life I will be God's servant.  Is this a bad thing?? Heck no.  It will be my honor to live the rest of my life out serving God and pleasing Him.  I am a child of God and if the Father wants me to obey, I will obey.  This journey has so humbled me and has deepened my faith in God that it is unbelievable. I love life and I love everyone that I have the pleasure of knowing!!