All that Matters is Love!

All I can say is that these past few days have been something out of a war movie.  Since my last post, I have been in bed battling with my body.  This last treatment was by far the hardest on me and it took me to places of pain that I didn't even know existed.  I don't remember much because I was taking pain pills and nausea meds around the clock to cope.  I was in so much pain on Monday, that I couldn't even make my hand move to pick up the bottle of pain pills.  I just laid around in bed all day and waited on Andre to come home so he could give me a pill.  It was crazy.  My joints were aching so bad.  My knees were in pain.  All I did was moan all day long. I was having chills and I stayed dizzy.  By the time Andre came home, I was pathetic.  He immediately gave me a pill and started to take care of me.  All I wanted to do was just lay in silence.  I didn't even want to watch TV.  I spent most of Monday night just praying that the pain would please go away.  I cried a lot because it hurt so bad.  Falling asleep that evening was easy since all my meds make me tired but throughout the night, I tossed and turned from the pain that I was feeling. Around 4:00 a.m. in the morning, I woke in a bed of sweat.  I remember whispering to Andre "Honey, my knees hurt and I don't feel so good."  My sweet husband jumps up and takes my temperature.  It reads "101.7"  That is too high for a chemo patient.  We call my doctor and he advises me to go to the hospital.  So off we go to the ER again.  I swear, I am so tired of rushing to the hospital.  But I know it is important with my immune system being low.  After multiple tests and xrays, they diagnose that I have a bladder infection.  My blood count looked great and nothing else looked abnormal.  I never realized how relieved I would be to hear that I had a bladder infection.  :)  I get antibiotics and then they send me back home.  It was a long and hard day but I managed to get through it.  Chemo wasn't going to let me off too easy I see.  It was definitely going to send me off with fireworks.  That is kind of how my body has felt.  Like fireworks were exploding in me all day long.

Last night, I was up most of the night off and on.  Around 3:00 a.m. this morning, my eyes opened.  My stomach felt queasy and I was feeling a little pain in my knees.  I fell back to sleep and woke at 5:00 a.m. again.  This time was different.  I opened my eyes and I felt no pain at all.  As I looked around the room, I waited to see if my stomach was queasy.  No queasy feeling.  Can this be real?? Am I laying here feeling normal?? I push Andre and tell him to get up for work.  As he is getting ready to leave, I just lay there thinking that this can't really finally be over.  Andre comes to give me a kiss goodbye and I fall back asleep.  Then the strangest thing happens to me.  I suddenly wake up at 6:50 a.m.  Only, this time, I felt like it was a burst of energy, a spirit like presence, God was waking me.  As I opened my eyes, I immediately started crying and I immediately starting praising and thanking God!!  It was a feeling so real, so deep and so powerful that made all that I have been through so worth it.  What I have gone through all summer was what lead me to the point where I am now.  I only know that I want to live the rest of my life out pleasing God and helping others.  I have learned so much during my journey.  I don't know why some people die from cancer and I don't know why some people live.  It isn't fair that anyone has to die from cancer.  Cancer sucks and it isn't nice to people.  It is very personal and it is different for everyone that gets it.  For me, it has tried to destroy my life twice.  Both times, it took my hair away, it took people from my life, it made me sick, it made me see things differently.  But the one thing cancer has never done to me, was make me lose faith in God.  I know God has a plan for me.  That plan is huge because He saved me twice.  Surviving cancer twice doesn't make me any better than anyone else, it just means that God's plan for me is different.  He plans on using me somewhere. My life has been changed by cancer twice.  The strength that I have endured from these experiences have prepared me for something that is important in my future.  My future looks bright and I know whatever obstacle that may come my way, I know I can get through it.  Now, I can be a rock for my children, my grandchildren, my friends, my extended children and my husband.  Cancer gives you a whole different perspective on life.  You learn that each and every moment that you are here is a precious moment. You learn to not take people and life for granted.  You learn that at the end of the day, really all that matters is love!!

My Last Chemo Treatment!!!!!!!!

Wednesday was a good day for me.  Didn’t feel sick, had a little energy and the horrible gas that I was dealing with the past few days that was causing me lower back pain had left my body.  The pain left with the help of a multiple of farts.  LOL  I was on a roll but each fart allowed the gas to be released.  My doctor said it was probably from the colonoscopy.  I was just glad that each fart was making me feel much better.  I tried to spend this day just making sure things were in order since I know I was going to be down for about seven days. Had to go to my doctor’s office to get blood work done.  Wait to see doctor and he tells me what I want to hear.  Blood work was great and that he wanted to see me again in 4 weeks.  It felt so good to hear that.  So I just walked my happy self out of his office and went home to try to rest. 

Thursday comes and I didn’t sleep so well the night before.  It is probably due to the fact of mixed emotions.  I am nervous because I know that the side effects will be hard on me but at the same time, I am excited because it will be my last treatment.  This day seemed so far off in June.  I knew it was coming and I believed that I would get here but it is a very surreal feeling.  I BELIEVED from the very beginning that I was going to win this battle with Breast Cancer.  I was determined to stay positive and not allow the disease to control me.  There were some negative days but I was able to fight through them.  My will and my spirit stayed very strong from day one.  This girl has been through so much and I was not going to let this roadblock in life stop me from living a full life.  I have too much I still want to do and I need to be here for all my babies that I love.   I need to be here for Andre.  There are things that I haven’t done yet and I need to do them.  I was not going to let cancer stop me from fulfilling these things. 

I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face.  Today was the day.  That is all I could think about.  I immediately started thanking God for everything.  I have been doing that a lot these days.  I thank God in the morning, when I am eating breakfast, in the toilet, in the shower, heck, I thank God any and everywhere!  I am so thankful for all the blessings that I have received during this journey.  Prayers were answered and I felt them.  It is amazing how I got blessing after blessing all summer.  I once asked my girlfriend a question about why did I feel that I was always giving to so many but I never felt it wasn’t reciprocated back to me.  She said, “Honey, it is reciprocated back to you.  Look how God has blessed you all during this process.  God saw and He is taking care of you now.”  Wow, she was right.  All my good deeds were noticed by God and He is showing me now that He saw.  That thought made me feel good.  I want to please God and be worthy.  I have always had a good heart and always want to see others happy.  Often times more happier than me.  When others hurt, it is hard for me to bear.

Well, I got up and tidied the house up.  Changed bed sheets and got my meds ready for the week.  Took my shower.  While in shower, I felt so revived and free.  As I washed my baldhead and my flat right breast area, I REALLY felt like the winner that I know was in me.  I beat this cancer and today was my last treatment.  In the beginning, my hair and my breast removal seemed so important but today it was the least important.  I just want to see the joy on the people that I love and that love me.  That is what is important. I finish up shower and dry off.  I look in the mirror and I notice that I still have some of my eyebrows and lashes.  They are thinned out but not all gone.  Will I still lose them?? I don’t know.  But we will see.  I get dressed in my “Team Evelyn” shirt and wait for my friend to pick me up.  She was going to take me to lunch and my chemo treatment.  Then Andre was going to come and stay with me towards the end to bring me home.  We go to Olive Garden and I had a wonderful lunch and it was nice.   I always have a pre-chemo meal and this was particularly wonderful.  It was my last pre-chemo meal!! 

After we were done, we head to clinic to get my chemo treatment.  I walk in and my nurse sees me.  The whole office is excited for me.  I can tell.  It is like a graduation of sorts.  This chemo treatment was different than the others.  I slept the whole time.  This is something I have never done before.  So now I am wondering if my side effects are going to be bad.  Oh, well, can’t turn back now.  Must just handle it and push forward.  When I saw the last few drops of the IV drop into my veins, I got this overall feeling to jump for joy.  I couldn’t but sure wanted to.  This had to be added to my list of the “One of the Best Days of my Life.”   As my nurse took out the IV for the last time and I could see she was sad to see me go.  She looked at me and said, “You have a beautiful soul and a great personality.   It was my honor to be your chemo nurse. “  Wow, that was so nice.  However, she was my Angel because she took great care of me at each treatment.  I was sad to leave.  I will most definitely be checking back in to see her over the next months.  Andre and I walk out to the car and I can immediately feel the fatigue coming on.  He takes me home and here I lay in bed to try and write in my blog.  I really wanted to write something before I have to deal with all these side effects.  I normally am shut down and it is hard to sit up and type on computer.  So my blog might not get done for a few days.  I just want to focus on rest and letting the chemo drugs work for the last time. 

Yes, it is was my last chemo treatment but I still need to watch how I take care of my body.  I need to eat healthier, start a exercise program and stick with it, and continue to be proactive in staying on top of my medical needs.  Can cancer come back?  Yes it can.  But it could also touch one of my loved ones.  During this time, I have had two friends diagnosed with cancer.  Cancer has no special friends because it can attack EVERYONE whenever it wants to.  That is why we must continue to pray for cures and donate to help researchers find cures.   It often takes a tragic event for us to want to get involved.  It did for me.  I will never stop being a part of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer organization because I see how wonderful it is and how it has helped so many women.  It has helped me.  That was the first website that I went to for information.   It calmed my nerves and it gave me hope.  Cancer is out there and it is touching people’s lives each and ever day.  Some live and some die from it. But Cancer didn’t win over here. I fought it, I knocked it out and I stomped on its little old head.   I wanted to live and I was determined to do that.  Yes, we all must die but I was not going to let Cancer be the reason for me.   I am the winner this time and I will continue to fight.  The next five years while I am in remission will be tough but I have to continue to stay positive, pray to God and have hope that it will never come in my life again.  It tried two times to take me out but I had the strength and power to not allow it.  

I AM A FIGHTER, I AM A SURVIOR AND I AM A WINNER!! How you like me now???  :)

September 11, 2001~We Must Never Forget!!

I had a wonderful weekend!! My niece came to visit me and brought my handsome great-nephew, Karl Michael Brown III.  We call him Trey.  She came to Dallas from Wichita, Ks to celebrate her birthday.  The beauty of it all is that while she enjoyed Dallas, I was able to spend quality time at home with Trey. I must say that this had to be the best weekend ever.  Just being around this loving and sweet baby was what I needed.  I have spent the whole summer at home, getting chemo, being sick and just trying to cope with it all.  Having Trey here gave me a chance to truly forget about me and focus only on him.  We laughed, we played, we ate and we just loved on each other.  This time with him gave me back the feeling of what I missed the most this summer, helping the ones I love.  Trey solely depended on his Aunt Ev and this was nice.  It was nice to be needed and to be able to take care of him.  From Thursday of last week to Sunday, I was one happy person.  I couldn't stop smiling with joy.  One day, I will have to tell Trey how much he helped me when he was 9 months old.  I will tell him, that he allowed me to not think about my situation but to focus on spending time with him.  When they left on Sunday, I was sad.  Seeing them drive off was difficult.  I sure wish they lived in Texas.  But when I am all well, I will fly to Wichita to visit him more often.  One of the wonderful benefits of working for an airline is traveling.  While Trey was here, I wasn't able to do much of anything except be with him.  That is one reason I wasn't able to write in my blog.  I never had a free moment and when I did, I was napping.  Little babies are very exhausting.

On Monday, I could't do anything but lay in bed all day.  I didn't do much moving around over the weekend but whatever I did, drained me on Monday.  I woke up and watched this documentary about September 11th.  Probably not a good idea.  I believe this is what put me in a depressed state.  I knew September 11 was Sunday but I was so busy with family and their departure, that I didn't really dwell on it.  However, Monday was a different story.  After watching the documentary, I was forced to think about what I was doing on that day.  I will never forget it.  My Dad was at his office and I was driving there.  He called me and said, "Honey, something crashed into the World Trade Center."  I said, "No Daddy."  He commenced to tell me what he was hearing on the radio.  He told me to go back home and watch the TV to see what was up. I turn around and drive back home.  As I am driving back home, my Dad called back and said, "OMG, there was another crash into the other building.  Baby, go get the kids and go home until we find out what is going on.  I think it is a terrorist attack."  So, I did what he said.  I spent the rest of that day glued to the TV, hugging my children and watching the war on America with tears running down my face!  All I could do was pray and pray.  I literally stayed home for about a week devastated and scared.  I knew no one involved in it but I felt like I knew them all.  It pained me to think that there were people that cruel in our world to do such a horrific thing.  The person that I am hates to see others hurt and to see America hurting this deeply was too much for me.  Yes, that was 10 years ago but seeing that documentary on this day made it all very fresh and new again.  It made me think of my father and how he sent me home to be safe.  It made me think of how my father was my hero all my life and that I wish right now he was with me.  September 11, 2011 was a very sad day in America.  If it taught me anything, it taught me how important it is to tell the people you love that you love them daily.   At any split second, something could happen and then you would never see them again.  We must never forget that day and we must continue to pray for everyone that was personally affected by that day.  Yes, Monday was difficult for me and I had to pray a lot to get through it.

Today has been better for me.  I chose to wake up and smile and not be down.  I shouldn't be down.  In just two more days, I will have my LAST chemo treatment.  Mixed emotions about it.  I am so nervous because I hear it might be my hardest but excited because it will be my last one.  Then I can start my life over again.  I have so much I want to do.  All summer, I have dreamed of my last treatment day coming.  It seemed so far off when I was first told that I would have to have chemo.  Now, I can't believe the time is finally here.  My sweet loving honey, Andre, is going to take me. That man is wonderful.  I have to continue to say that because without him, I couldn't have done it.  His laughter when I needed it on a day I was depressed, his sweet comments about how beautiful I am with a bald head, his tender kisses on my chapped lips after chemo, his support on days when I felt I couldn't do it anymore and his constant love is what made this journey bearable.  I have so many dreams for us for the future.  Our future looks bright.  Thirteen years being married to my best friend is a blessing from God.  I went through a lot of frogs before I found my Prince!  Thank you God for Andre Auturo Johnson!!  

Breast Cancer was a Blessing!

This has been a very long week.  I have spent most of it just trying to get myself healthy.  Haven't written much in my blog because truthfully, I haven't felt like it and when I would remember, it was too late and I was too tired.  But I need to catch up before I forget how my week went.  This chemo makes me forget everything and it is awful. I will literally forget a thought as soon as I think it.  SMH.. Let me try to go back to Sunday night...

Sunday afternoon was spent with me mainly resting.  I was so tired from my hospital stay.  I didn't get much sleep and being home in my bed was so nice.  I slept mainly all day.  Didn't eat much because my stomach was still a little queasy from my hospital stay with no eating for a few days.

Monday was Labor Day.  I was excited because we were invited over a friends house for a barbeque.  This friend is more like family. Lately, we have been spending a lot of holidays over at their house and it feels nice.  I felt a lot better, however, I was really tired.  I just knew that I had to take it slow.  So I was able to manage to cook some cupcakes and Andre grilled some ribs to take over to their house.  We had the very best day ever.  We ate, laughed, played board games and just enjoyed everyone's company.  It was a long day but a day worth it.  When I got home that evening, I crashed. My body feels like an elderly person's body but I am determined to get my energy level back up once this chemo is all done.

Tuesday I met with my 3 Day Walk team!! These wonderful spiritual women are a gift to me.  Whenever, I am with them, it feels so right.  We talk about our walk, we pray, we eat and we just fellowship.  It is so nice.  I am going to do my best to raise money and to do this walk.  With God willing, I will be able to accomplish both goals.  I trust that God will get me to where I need to be.  After meeting with them, I just rested the whole day.  This was a hard day for me.  A special young girl, that I am very close to had to have back surgery to relieve pain she was having. The surgery took 5 hours and recovery was 8 hours. She was on my mind all day.  The pain that I know she has been feeling will go away but the process to get there is going to be hard for her.  If I could take her pain away and give it to myself, I would do it for this precious girl.  My mind was on her all day.  I finally heard from her Mom that she was in the hospital room and doing well.  That was what I needed to hear.  I was just worried to see how she was going to do in the next few days after surgery.  Those are normally the hardest days.

I started Wednesday out actually feeling a lot better.  Each day is a better day.  I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.  Wow, it is starting.  My eyebrows are shrinking away.  Actually, the left one is a lot thinner than the right one.  I notice that I missing some of my eyelashes. Oh, man.  I was really praying that I wouldn't lose hair in these two areas.  But it was expected.  Chemo is putting it's finishing touches on my body.  What else is it going to do?? I am noticing that my skin is really dry.  My fingers are also starting to get numb more often.  It is crazy but I feel like I have developed every side effect possible.  Yes, it sucks but I know it is what happens with chemo.  And chemo is suppose to save my life.  So, I just have to deal with it.  Don't have to like it but just deal with it.  On this day, I thought I would venture to the grocery store to get a few things. Haven't done this without Andre since I got Breast Cancer.  BIG MISTAKE!!  My dumb butt went to Walmart because I wanted to save money.  I got what I needed and when I went to check out, the lines were long and not enough cashiers were working.  As I was waiting in line, I started to feel faint and not so good.  I just started to pray to God to please let me check out and get home.  As soon as the cashier was done with me, I got to my car and drove home the fastest I could.  I couldn't even get the groceries out of the car.  Thank God, I didn't buy anything cold or frozen.  I go in the house, see my bed and literally passed out on it.  This excursion, once again, was too much for me.  What was I thinking?? I guess I was just trying to be normal like I was before.  I am not there yet.  I need to slow my roll.  When I told Andre, he was upset.  He should be.  I am just getting so impatient to be better.  But I can't rush it.  I have to allow it to happen when my body is totally ready.

Woke up today very happy.  My niece and 10 month old great-nephew were coming to visit me for a few days.  This boy is my joy and my heart.  Just knowing that he is spending time with me makes me so excited.  Something about kids that makes everything alright.  His name is Trey and he is the apple of my eye!!

Hadn't heard from my special girl today.  I am worried about her.  I did find out that she is in extreme pain, not eating, nauseous and very uncomfortable.  That is what I feared.  I feel so helpless that I can't be there and/or assist her parents.  All I can do is pray and send positive vibes there way. This young girl has encouraged me and cheered me on all during my journey.  It is my turn to return the favor.  She is one of the reasons that I have fought so hard.  She has told me that reading my blog has inspired her.  I pray that she see's how important it is to fight and to not give up.  Now I must be her cheerleader!

At this stage in my treatment, I am feeling really down on my looks.  Just a normal humanly feeling.  Nothing looks or seems right to me.  I am awfully brave about things though.  I walked around Walmart by myself.  I tried to not give eye contact but when I did, I noticed people staring at me.  It is very noticeable that I am bald and don't have much facial hair anymore.  When I feel they are looking, I just look back and most times, they turn away.  I know they don't mean any harm but that is what people do when they feel someone doesn't look the way society says we should look.  I return to work Oct. 3 and I know the people that know me will treat me the same.  I am just nervous about all the new hires who don't know me.  Will I be considered the "sick girl" that was out all summer??  Will they whisper among themselves about the way I look?  Do I really care?? NO..the people at my job that know me will love me for who I am.  They won't judge me by the way that I look.

Just found out tonight, that a friend of mines has joined my club.  She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and will have to have chemo. I will reach out to her and give her insight the best that I can. I know this is one of the reasons that I got Breast Cancer.  It was for times like this.  This is the time for me to help someone else and to help them through this difficult time.  I once said getting Breast Cancer was a blessing.  This is what I still believe!!!

Colonoscopy wasn't that bad!

I titled my blog "My Wonderful Journey with Breast Cancer" for a reason.  From the moment that I learned that I had breast cancer, I decided that I was going to beat it and that I was gong to be taken down a wonderful journey.  I just knew that I was going to experience things that I wouldn't normally experience if I didn't have it.  Wonderful was appropriate because I knew whatever I experienced was going to make my life change for the better.  I believed that. When I initially started my blog, it was just for me to help keep my loved ones informed of what was going on with me.  I didn't want to have to explain over and over again what was up.  I never realized how important my blog would be for me.  It often times inspires me on days when I need it.  Re-reading some of my entires helps me see what I went through and how I got through it.  When I hear that it has inspired someone else, then it really makes it all worth it.

WARNING: PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED-TALKING ABOUT COLONOSCOPY AND NASTY STUFF!!  

The last time I wrote again, I was sitting in hospital about to go to sleep from the morphine that they gave me.  I spent the rest of Thursday night just resting.  Not peacefully but resting.  It is so hard to rest in hospitals because they interrupt you throughout the night.  The nurses and techs kept coming into my room to talk to me.  They said I was the "nicest patient" that they had ever seen. I guess I thought all patients were nice to the people that were taking care of them.  I was evidently wrong on that.  My stomach had this achy feeling constantly.  They were giving me nausea medicine every 4 hours and it still didn't seem to work.  I was on a liquid diet.  This made me wonder if I was just hungry but the thought of food made me sick.  

When I woke up Friday morning, I was still feeling sick.  I was anxious to see the doctor to find out what was wrong with me.  By the time he came, I was so ready to get an answer and to find out how to fix this issue going on with me.  I hadn't seen any blood since that first time.  This had to be a good sign.  By the time the Gastrologist doctor came, I was so sick.  The doctor told me that my CT Scan showed that my left colon was inflammed. In order to see what was going on, he needed to do another test.  He looked me over and then he said something that I didn't want to hear.  "Evelyn, you need to have a colonoscopy done!"  I said, "I do."  He stated that he needed to go in and look at my colon closer to make sure there wasn't any cancer, polyps or something else going on.  He explained that he would do the procedure Saturday morning.  However, I would have to clean my colon out first.  So I was suppose to drink this gallon of liquid today that would clean me out before my Saturday procedure.  Of course, I knew it wouldn't taste great.  I just knew it.  Around 4:00 p.m., the nurse brings this liquid in to me and tells me to have it done by Midnight.  I took the first sip and OMG, it was the worse.  I wanted to gag.  I attempt to start drinking this mess.  One sip of liquid, one sip of grape juice.  I had to do whatever I could to get it down.  It took me the whole 8 hours to drink it.  During those eight hours, I was going to the bathroom every hour to clean out.  The nurse stated that my bowel movement had to be clear with no matter in it.  Let me just say, I spent the rest of the evening sleeping on the toilet.  LOL 

Saturday morning I waited for my procedure to get done.  The nurse  tech that came in to get my vitals was this young pregnant woman.  I could tell she had something on her mind when she started to take my blood pressure.  Typical me, I asked her was she ok.  She starts to tell me some of her struggles (first week of nursing school, being pregnant, and husband issues.) I then begin to talk to her about life and faith.  Told her my struggle this whole summer and what I have been through.  Tried to help her see that even when things look bad, there is always something good coming. Before she left my room, she thanked me and said that I was want she needed that morning.  The next time she came back to my room, she had a huge smile and her eyes were bright.  I said, "Now that is what I want to see."  She said to me, "After talking with you this morning, I realized that I need to trust God more."  I like that.  There was a reason that I had to be in that hospital room that morning.  

They finally came and got me around 10:30 a.m.  I was told that the procedure would take about an hour.  Another good thing was that they were going to put me to sleep and I wouldn't feel a thing.  Thank God is all I could think.  Get to the surgery room and they start to prep me for the procedure.  I must say the best part was getting the sleeping anesthesia.  As soon as he gave it to me, I was out.  All I remember was saying to the doctor was "How fast will I....." When I woke, I was relieved to find out that I wasn't sore.  They did say that I would pass a lot of gas.  That isn't anything.  I got my results immediately.  My doctor said they found NO CANCER, NO POLYPS, NO NOTHING.  I had something called Colitis. Basically, an inflammed colon.  This could have been caused by a lot of things.  He said I wouldn't need any meds for it but that it should heal on its own.  Thank you God!!! I was so elated and felt so happy to hear this news.  Doctor said that I wouldn't need another one for 10 years now.  That was also good news.  Drinking that liquid the night before was horrible but the procedure wasn't bad at all. When I return to my room, I tell Andre and Krissy the good news and I can see the relief in their eyes.  Another test with another good result.  We all feel the blessings.  Doctor releases me to go home and I prepare to leave the hospital. 

My hospital stay wasn't what I wanted to do but it was necessary.  I had always heard people say they didn't want to get a colonoscopy.  But now I realize how important this procedure is.  The one thing I have learned is early detection is important in curing things.  So for me, I am glad that I had it done.  I now know that my colon is good. Coming to the hospital was necessary also because I was able to help that young nurse tech. This stay was just another roadblock that I had to get through.  This journey has taken me up and down a lot of different directions.  But each direction shows me so much about my life.  I was determined from the very beginning to make this journey wonderful, regardless of how bad it got.  I knew I had to be positive and that I had to see the good in everything.  The definition of wonderful is: exciting wonder (which I wondered about what was going to happen); marvelous (marvelous because I am learning the true beauty of life); extraordinary (extraordinary because it was going to be my personal journey).  This journey with breast cancer was unknown to me in the beginning but I knew I wanted to tackle it with a smile.  I must say that is exactly what I have been doing.  Even on my very worse days, I have still managed to smile at my daughter when she returns from work or smile at Andre when he tells me something funny!  Never will I allow anything or anyone to stop me from smiling!    

Say Hello to My Little Friend! (Scarface Voice)

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling a little better than the day before. Some of my side effects seem to be fading away.  The thing that was constant was this nagging stomach ache.  The new nausea meds seem to help but not 100%.  Today, I was excited because I was getting a new best friend.  It was going to be our first time meeting each other.  The beauty of it, is that I was able to design my new friend to my specifications.  She had to be light and not too heavy.  She had to be slightly oval in shape.  She had to be close to my complexion.  She had to be soft to the touch so when we hugged, it felt natural and not fake.  I had to choose a name for her.  I thought long and hard about this.  Researched until I could find the right name.  It didn't seem right just calling my new friend Sara, Jane or Alicia.  I wanted a name that would stand out.  A name that when I saw her for the first time and then after, it would mean something to us.  So I found the name, Kibwe!  In Swahilli it means "blessed". That was the perfect name for my new friend, KIBWE!! Pronounced Kib-wee!  :)  I was still feeling pretty bad butI had to get up and shower so I was all fresh for my friend when she arrived later on that afternoon. I definitely wanted to make a good impression for the first time that we met.  Her and I were going to be very close friends for awhile and I have to make sure our relationship starts off on a good foot.  Especially since there is no turning back once we see each other. Basically, we will be stuck together like two peas in a pod.  

In the afternoon, my doorbell rings.  The anticipation to meet my friend is heightened.  I get to the door and I open it.  I let my house guests in and prepare myself to meet my new friend.  My friend didn't come alone.  A lady by the name of Jennifer brought my friend to me.  Then the introductions begin.  Jennifer says, "Evelyn, meet Kibwe!"  I look at Kibwe and smile from ear to ear.  I have my newly designed, just for me, breast prosthetic.  I look at it and it looks so real.  It was the same size as my left breast.  Jennifer then shows me how to insert Kibwe into the new bras that came with her.  I put the bra on with Kibwe inserted and it was like a miracle.  Looking at my chest, I couldn't even tell there was a breast missing.  I put on a shirt and it looked even better.  Then I hugged Jennifer to do a feel test and she said it didn't feel fake at all.  I know this was her job to fit me but I really believed her.  As I looked in the mirror, I couldn't help but smile.  I had been so sad the past few days from the chemo that it was so nice to have my new friend to make me smile. :)  I do believe that Kibwe and I will be great friends!!  When Andre came home, he noticed right away how nice the bra looked under my gown.  That made me smile.  Now I felt like a woman again.  Lately, I had been feeling very unwomanly.  Getting Kibwe made me feel whole again.  I chose the right name because as I looked at myself with my new bra on, I felt very "blessed" to be alive and very "blessed" to have my new friend. 

As joyful as I was last night, today has been another story.  This roller coaster of emotions is getting played out.  Went to bed feeling like I was getting better.  However, I was up most of the night off and on with a stomach ache and going to the bathroom.  

WARNING: PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED..

Bathroom means diarrhea and such.  This is something I am use to with chemo.  Yet, very early this morning, I noticed that the toilet was filled with bright red blood.  I knew it didn't look normal.  Plus, my stomach had begun to hurt more. I immediately called my doctor and he said for me to go to the emergency room. So, I get dressed and have Andre take me.  We arrive and I spend the next 4 hours waiting for them to tell me something.  Finally, my doctor comes in and tells me that he wants to admit me for testing on my stomach.  He really doesn't give me any insight on to what he thinks but that he wanted to admit me for observation and testing. He puts me on a liquid diet and the testing begins. I must now sit in this hospital room and wait for the result to come back and see what is going on.  Of course, my mind is making me think things like I might have stomach cancer.  That seems silly now.  I am getting chemo.  Wouldn't that be killing those types of cancer cells too?  I am confused but I must relax my mind and wait to see what my doctor says.  I am in the best place possible now.  Only, I am starving to death.  They won't give me anything but jello, broth, and apple juice.  I guess it could be worse.  I  could be on liquids for the rest of my life.  This is only temporary.  There is someone out there who lives their life out eating only Ensure and liquids.  How dare I complain? 

My lower back was starting to hurt.  I was just laying here with it hurting and then it dawned on me.  I don't have to take this pain.  I am in the hospital.  They can give me pain meds in my IV and that will hopefully stop the back pain.  I wonder if it is associated with my other issue going on.  Oh, well, I won't know until my doctor tells me something.  The nurse just came in and gave me morphine to help.  They don't mess around in the hospital.  Straight to the good stuff.  LOL  As I am typing, I can slowly feel the pain subsiding and I am starting to feel sleepy.  So I will just lay here, relax myself and continue to feel blessed!! 

Hurricane Chemo-Category 5

Just as the East Coast was waiting on Hurricane Irene to hit, I was in Texas waiting on my own Hurricane to take place. Getting chemo this time around has been the worse ever for me.  These past few days have been HELL.  I have spent the entire time in bed.  This 3rd treatment hit me so hard.  The majority of my weekend was spent in bed and just trying to get enough energy to even drink water. Unless someone has gone through chemotherapy, they will never really understand how it feels.  I have gotten other side effects that I didn't get the first two times.  Let me see.  My knee caps hurt, my joints ache and my ankles are in pain.  I have this really bad back pain.  I have to take pain pills all day so that I can even get out of bed to go to the bathroom.  Why did it hit me so hard this time around? I go to the internet to find out if the way I am feeling is normal.  Every article that I can find, states that this is what I should be feeling.  My nurse said it was going to be somewhat more difficult this time around, but I underestimated what she was saying.  Laying around like a zombie isn't my cup of tea at all.  I fall in and out of sleep from the the pain pills and the nausea meds.  I am starting to feel really ugly and unattractive.  I know I shouldn't and I am trying my best to be positive but it is only human for a person to feel this way.  Actually, even typing right now is hard because I have to sit up. Today's entry will be short because I can't sit up too long without my stomach aching.  These side effects SUCK! I can't really eat any milk products because they don't sit on my stomach well.  Nothing has any taste since my taste buds are gone.  So everything that I eat literally tastes like cardboard. :( I try to eat lots of juicy or fluid type foods so my mouth stays moist.  The best thing is grapes but there is no flavor when I eat them.  It just feels nice on my mouth because of how juicy they are.  On Sunday morning, I woke up with a totally white tongue.  I knew what this was because both of my children had it when they were babies.  It is called Thrush.  This is also a side effect of chemotherapy. When the immune system is weak, this is a common side effect to get.   I didn't get this the last 2 times but I did this time. I know I will have to wait until Monday morning to call my doctor to get a prescription to get rid of it.  I am now at the point where I am getting tired of medicines, poking, being sick, looking  horrible and being so pathetically dependent on others.  I am over halfway done but I am getting really anxious for it to be all over.

I know it may seem that today I am complaining a lot and I am.  I knew what to expect and I was ready.  I just didn't realize that it was going to be so bad this time around.  So does that mean that my last treatment is going to be even worse.  I hope I can make it.  Yesterday, I was so ready to give in the towel but I spoke with a friend of mine and she helped me get out of my funk. People are probably tired of hearing about me being ill and I don't blame them.  I am tired of hearing about it myself.  I feel like I have been concentrating on myself so much that I haven't been there for my friends like I would like to.  This just concentrating on me is so not me.  My sweet husband and my beautiful daughter are trying their best to keep me happy and comfortable.  I just hope they know that I do appreciate them so much.  Lately, I have been a little cranky and it isn't right.  But my emotions are all over the place and this chemo really sucks.  It is wearing me down.  I am having to pray to God each day that I don't allow chemo to take my spirit away.  I have cried a lot in the past few days.  When you are alone a lot, you have a lot of time to think.  My thoughts keep taking me to a lot of places.  I think of having both my breasts intake.  I think of how long it took me to grow my hair long.  I think of having the energy to do things.  I think of traveling.  I think of hanging out with my friends and enjoying time together.  Maybe these things aren't really important but I think about it.  I know I will have a lot of these things again.  I really do.  It is just that my mind is wondering.  I have to tell myself that I have beaten Breast Cancer already.  It is gone. That breast that I miss   took the cancer away when it was removed.  The hair that I am missing will grow back.  The energy that I don't have now, I will get back.  Traveling and hanging with friends will happen soon enough.  I need to get off my soap box and be thankful.  I can't give up now.  I am almost there.  There is only one more treatment to go.  Do I fear that last treatment?  Yes, I do.  But when it is all over with, I can start to live again.  I will be reborn.  What I have been through all summer will give me a better perspective on life.  What I missed, I can regain.  I have to tell myself that  I AM A SURVIVOR AND I AM A FIGHTER!!! I have felt like I could't make the past few days but now as I lay here and type this blog, I am realizing that I AM A WINNER!! This doesn't make me any better or more blessed than anyone else, but just for me, I AM A WINNER! This is my battle and I am not going to give up until I win.

Yes, that Hurricane Irene was predicted to do a lot more damage than it did.  By the grace of God, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  But a lot of people weathered the storm and were fine.  I will weather the Hurricane Chemo the same way.  I will not let it take me under and destroy what I have been doing.  Depression is funny how it tries to come into your life and take over.  It surely did try with me over the past few days.  However, I had to fight it off.  I had to look at the bigger picture and realize that all this pain, all this discomfort and all this uneasiness is only temporary.  Life's lessons only make us stronger individuals.  By the time I am done with all of this, I will be one strong woman!

DAYS I WISH I WAS ON A BEACH INSTEAD OF AT HOME DAYS!!

Didn't sleep too well Wednesday night.  I know it was mostly because I was nervous about my chemo treatment the next day.  I don't know why.  Getting chemo isn't all that bad, it is just the week after and the side effects.  That is probably what was making me nervous.  Since I know what to expect and they aren't any fun, I feel anxious about it.  I had my treatment at 2:30 yesterday.  So around noon, I went to visit my 82 year old Mom.  I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, due to the fact that I haven't been up to it and she smokes cigarettes.  It is hard for me to breathe when I am in her apartment and second hand smoke is so bad for me.  But I had to go because I had been thinking about her and missing her.  Or maybe I was just needing my Mom to help me feel better.  We all need that from time to time.  I go to a drive thru to get her lunch and go over to her place.  When I arrive, I slowly walk into her apartment.  Which these days is a task moving around for me. I knock at her door and when I see her, I get all emotional.  She is aging and walking as slow as me.  I have been stating that I feel like I am elderly these past few weeks.  We sit down and eat lunch together.  As we do this, I just can't help but look at her and see all the signs of her getting older.  This makes me sad.  I don't have a really good relationship with my siblings, actually, we don't even speak.  I have a very dysfunctional family and this is sad.  My Mom will soon need to live with one of us.  With the siblings that I do have, it will probably be me.  I see that her early stages of Alzheimer's is getting worse.  Our whole conversation, I had to repeat everything and repeat everything that we have talked about in the past.  She hadn't seen me bald yet.  She looks at me and says, "Sweetie, I like your new look.  Everyone is doing it."  I said, "Mom, I have breast cancer and I am getting chemo." She says, "I didn't know."  I have told her the whole summer. :(  This made me so sad.  I then started to try to help her understand that she needs to think about moving in with one of her children.  She says, "Ev, I want to live with you." I said "OK, lets talk about then." Told her she needs to stop smoking if she wants to live with me.  I explained I could get her those fake cigarettes.  She says she will think about it.  However, I know she won't because she wants to smoke her Kools.  Now I am leaning on God to help me out. I just pray that she will decide to come live with me.  I already have Dre's grandpa and one more would just be welcomed.  She is my Mom and I will not put her in a nursing home.  I had to deal with those with my Dad and they were HELL. I had to move him like 7 times before he passed away.  Never again would I put someone I love into one of those.

I spend about an hour with her and then I have to leave to meet Dre so that I can go to chemo.  When she walked me to the door and we hugged goodbye, we both hugged a lot longer and tighter.  I looked at her thinning hair, her thin/frail frame, and her wrinkles, and I just started to cry.  We hadn't always had a good relationship growing up but today, it didn't matter.  She is still my Mom and I love her.  It is strange that out of all her children, she wants to live with me now.  I wasn't her favorite because I know that.  But I was always the one she could depend on over the years.  She is smart enough to know that now towards the end of her life, I would be the one to take care of her the best. After we kissed goodbye and she closed the door, I just lost it.  I called Dre and told him what had happened and mentioned about moving Mom in and he said, "Let's do it and when."  That is just another reason that I love that man so much.  Always supportive of me and my crazy family.

Get to the house and Dre is there waiting on me.  We head to my chemo treatment.  Chemo isn't bad like I have said before, it is just the week after and the side effects.  I arrive at the doctor's office and see all the wonderful people that work there. They are quickly becoming my friends.  Dre laughs because he sees how I know the other patients and that when I get there, they all smile and get happy.  That is what I like to do.  Make others smile.  I won't allow this place to be gloomy when I get there.  No way.  I wore my "Team Evelyn" t-shirt and everyone loved it.  I told them a very special friend made it for me to encourage me and that it did.  I started to tell the nurse that I was having a lot more pain in my thighs and joints. That I couldn't even get out of bed without pain meds now.  She said that was normal and that joint pain is one of the side effects. She also begins to tell me that the 3rd treatment might be worse.  Man, I don't like this one at all. The others 2 treatment were more tolerable but not being able to walk and/or get out of bed is miserable.  After 3 hours, I am all done.  This gentleman that I have seen about 3 times was also done.  He has 12 more sessions to go.  He asked the nurse to schedule him when I come back in 3 weeks.  She says she can't because he is on his 2 week break from chemo. He looked sad that this was our last time seeing each other.  He comes to hug me goodbye and I felt sad for a moment.  He was so nice to talk to.  So we hugged goodbye.  When he left, Dre looked at me and said, "Why your little boyfriend all sad?"  I had to laugh.  Was he acting jealous.  Yes!  I love it.  He knows how friendly I am and that I also makes friends wherever I go.  Shouldn't he be use to it after 13 years. LOL

We get home and I start feeling yucky.  I think to myself, this can't be.  That other two times after chemo, I didn't start feeling yucky until the 2nd day.  As the evening progresses, I start getting real tired and my mouth starts to get dry.  I just hope that this means I will get better sooner.  Who knows with chemo?  I just take one day at a time. What is most important is for me get rest and allow the chemo to do what it is suppose to do.  I prepare myself mentally for the next 7 days or so.  These I consider the "DAYS I WISH I WAS ON A BEACH INSTEAD OF AT HOME DAYS." I know it will be hard but I am fighting this all the way to the end.  God has helped me see and understand so much.  I don't get how anyone could live on this earth and not believe in God.  I know that my humanly peeps have helped and supported me tremendously.  However, I believe that my faith in God is the major reason that I am doing so well during this whole journey.  For that matter, my whole life.  I really shouldn't be here with the things that I have endured in my past.  But God continues to help me through it.  That is why I know for a fact that He has a bigger purpose for me on this earth.  When I leave this earth one day, I will leave it with a smile.  Because I know that I was chosen to do God's work and that is what I have always tried to do.  I live for the day when God looks at me with a smile and says, "Well done my child."  :)

Last Supper!!

This week has been kinda hard on me.  Over the weekend I started coming down with what I thought was a cold.  So I stayed in bed and rested. Couldn't take any medicines since I hadn't spoke with my doctor and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't taking anything that would interfere with my chemo tomorrow.  So I just drank orange juice and laid in bed all weekend.

First thing Monday morning, I called my doctor.  He said to take Benedryl and if I didn't feel any better by the next day, he would  check me out when I went in for blood work. I thought it might be allergies but I wasn't for sure since Kristina was sick and spreading germs everywhere. :)  She was trying so hard to not come near me but I didn't like that.  I really wanted to be Mom and help her.  But I didn't and couldn't catch whatever she might have.  She went to the doctor after work and found out that she had allergies. That did make me feel better. At least now she didn't have to walk around the house 100 feet away from me.  When she got back from the doctor, I did manage (through being sick myself) to make her some soup and give her some orange juice.  This may sound minimal in most people's eyes.  But this was major for me.  I wanted to be her healthy Mom and take care of her as she has been taking care of me these past few months.  So doing this little task of feeding her soup was important for me and for her.  No matter how old your children get, when they are sick, they want to be pampered by someone.  So this was my chance to pamper her.

In the evening, I had some surprise visitors.  Even though I wasn't feeling well, I couldn't turn them away.  One was a family that we have known for a very long time.  They were in town visiting and wanted to come see and check on me.  They came and brought me this beautiful bracelet that was wooden in nature but had these charms on it.  Each charm was a different Saint.  They said they wanted me to wear it for healing and faith.  I thought that was very nice.  They are Catholic and I really don't understand the Catholic faith, however, I am open for any type of spiritual healing.

Another visitor was a very dear and old friend of mines from Wichita.  She now lives in Kansas City, KS, but works here 3 days a week.  We hadn't seen each other for awhile.  A long time.  She walked into my house looking like a million bucks.  I on the other hand felt like I looked like a raggedy doll.  We just sat and reminisced about the past.  Just being with her made me feel so good.  It was nice talking about things we use to do and talking about our families.  For both of us, a lot had happened.  Our lives had changed in many different ways.  Yet, the one thing that has stayed constant with us was our love for one another.  From the moment that she walked in, it was as if we had been talking every single day.  It didn't feel any different.  I had a hat on when she arrived but by the time she left, I had removed my hat and was brave enough for her to see me bald.  All she said was that I looked beautiful and I believed her.  Just looking at her eyes, I could see that even though she looked like a million bucks, in her eyes I looked like a million bucks too.  She was just glad to see me as much as I was glad to see her.  Our outer appearances didn't matter at all.  What mattered was that our hearts were one and we shared the same love for one another.  We vowed to stay connected this time and not let time past so long before we connect again.  I won't let it happen again.  Life is too short and I learn that every day.

Got up Tuesday feeling kinda yucky.  My joints had been hurting me for the past few days.  So in order to get out of bed each morning, I have to pop a pain pill.  One is usually all I need but I hate that I have to take it at all.  It seemed that whatever was wrong with me was still making me feel sick.  I was laying in bed and then I started receiving text messages on my phone that said, "Congratulation's! You deserve it."  I was confused.  What were they talking about?  I then logged into my work email and I see this email.  It says that I was "Employee of the First Quarter."  My phone rings and it is my Manager telling me that I was nominated and I was picked.  Wow, this literally made my day.  I couldn't have been more happy or more proud since my job is very important to me.  God only knows how important.  Being forced to be home and not work tends to put things in perspective.  One of those things is the blessing of having a job to go to and having the health to get there.  This was a wonderful way for me to wake up on this day.  

In the afternoon, I go see my doc and he checks me out.  He says that I just had allergies.  That did relieve me.  He also said that my blood work looked great.  Yes, he used the word great!!  This meant that I would be able to get my chemo this week.  I was suppose to get it today but he rescheduled it to Thursday.  That was fine with me.  I am just excited to be almost done.  Tomorrow, Andre is taking me and this will begin my week of HELL. I am use to it but I am not going to lie.  It is HELL!! But after this treatment, then I will only have one more.  That means I can finally see the finish line.  When this all began, this place in the race seemed so far off.

After my doctor appointment, I reluctantly met with my team for my Susan G. Komen 3 day walk in November.  Only reluctant because I wasn't feeling so hot.  I haven't been able to meet since during the other meetings I was just too ill.  It was only going to be for an hour.  I just had to go and let them know that I was still interested.  Meeting these beautiful and spiritual women was just what I needed.  This walk is very important to me.  I am passionate about raising money to help find a cure for breast cancer.  These women made me feel so welcomed and I could feel their big hearts.  When we were discussing the walk, I was trying to explain that I may not be able to do a lot of walking since I will only have one month to prepare and try to build up my energy level.  They looked at me and said in unison, "Don't worry, we will walk for you!"  That very statement brought tears to my eyes.  God bless them for that statement.  It sent chills down my spine.  God is so wonderful how he has directed his Angels on earth to me.  That is what they are.  They may not know it but they are Angels in my eyes.  I am on a mission to raise the money that I need to and I will raise it.  By the grace of God, He will make sure I do.  I believe that. I thank God for allowing me to be in the "Breast Cancer Club."  It is a very special club and a club filled with a lot of love.  Love is what I live my life by.  I feel honored to be a part of it.

So today, I am mentally preparing myself for chemo tomorrow. I am trying to tidy my room up and make sure that I have all my meds ready.  Need to make sure I have everything I need to be comfortable for the next 7-8 days.  Even though I know what to expect, I still get really nervous about it.  It isn't getting the chemo treatment but the side effects that I get afterwards.  That is the part that I dread.  I know starting tomorrow, all foods and liquids that I drink will not have any taste. So tonight, I am going to have a good dinner.  The night before chemo for me is like the last meal that you give to a person on death row.  LOL  This time around, I chose pot roast, rice, peas (my favorite) and cornbread.  For dessert, I think I will have some apple pie.  I better enjoy it because after tomorrow, it is downhill on tasting anything.  Oh, well, it could be worse.  I could really be on death row and this could really be my last meal! Until the next time, Chow!!

Pink is the New Black!!

These past few days have been slow for me.  I have mainly been just resting up and trying to regain energy.  I am officially sick of Lifetime now.  So I have resorted to reading news articles on the internet and reading magazines.  TV has now started to bore me.  I am so ready to return to my job and use my mind in a more useful way.  I have come to the realization that I could never just be a stay at home person.  I love to be around people too much.  Maybe it would be nice if I lived by the ocean, had lots of money in the bank, and I could travel whenever I wanted.  But until that day comes, I am so ready to return to my job!!  It will come soon enough.

Thursday was spent resting most of the day.  I was really tired from my day before and my joints were really sore.  Most of this day was spent in bed.  I chose to not take any pain pills because they knock me out and make me so useless.  So, I suffered through the pain and just laid in bed.  However, in the early afternoon, I had a visit from a friend and her daughter.  It was nice to see them and just catch up.  Getting visitors really makes me feel good.  Then in the afternoon, I got a text from a special young man.  He wanted to come visit and check on me.  I thought how sweet.  Well, we decided to go to a movie in the evening.  I hadn't been to a movie all summer.  This excited me.  I was in so much pain but I really wanted to see the movie.  Just to do things like I use to is what I need these days.  I am really working hard at not getting depressed.  I am now getting to the point where I want this all to be done.  But I know I have to be patient and not let it get me down.

So Andre, Kristina and I go to the movie to meet my special young man.  I didn't take a pain pill but I did bring one so when the movie was over, I could take it right away.  I wanted to be awake for my movie.  We arrive at the movie theatre and when I get there, I see not just one young man but five young men!  These are boys that I am very close to and I love like my own.  They bring me joy!  They make me feel so loved and cared for.  I feel blessed that they want to be around me.  I walk up to them and they all hug me.  Now, I didn't wear my wig.  This was the first time they have seen me bald.  I did have a hat on but one can easily tell that I am bald.  But what was so strange, was that these boys treated me like they always had.  It was a comedy and laughter is what I really needed.  I just looked at all those boys and it made me smile to think that they wanted to share this evening with me.  They could have been anywhere having fun like young boys do but they were here spending the evening with me. :)  I take my pain pill after the movie and wait for it to work it's magic.  And it does.

Woke up Friday not feeling so hot.  Feel like I am coming down with a cold or something.  This starts to worry me.  Chemo lowers my white blood cells.  These are the cells that fight off infection.  I start to worry if maybe I was going to get a cold and at the same time, praying I don't.  I don't want to be sick going into my chemo treatment.  Not even sure if they would allow me have chemo if I am sick.  So I decided to just rest and drink lots of vitamin C.  My joints were still sore and I take another pain pill.  I don't know if I was just tired, or this cold was getting to me.  I was maybe up for about 5 hours and then I feel asleep and slept most of the day.  Didn't feel like I was missing any sleep but my body was sure telling me it was tired.  The only thing that I hate is that when I woke up around 5:30 p.m., I knew it was going to be a very long night.  My sleeping pattern was going to be all messed up.  Oh, well.

It is so funny how I never use to like pink but now I love it.  It is my color of choice.  Mostly because of what it stands for.  Having Breast Cancer has shown me so much. It has opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I have met so many different people.  It has shown me the importance of friends, family and love! It wasn't a bad thing getting Breast Cancer but more of a blessing.  I know that sounds strange but it is true.  The things I know today or the way I live my life wouldn't be the same if I didn't get it. This whole journey has taught me so much.  I have learned so much.  I never realized how I have touched people.  Not trying to sound conceited but I am realizing that by being kind and smiling at someone can really make their day.  This is something I have always tried to do.  But this is me.  I give out to others what I want back.  Don't always get it but that isn't going to change me.  Evidently, I have touched some young boys that I know.  They went to the mall and bought pink G-shock watches.  That is huge.  They both vowed to wear the watches in honor of me!!  Wow, that is deep.  To be so young but care so much for someone and what they are going through is wonderful.  This gesture was greatly appreciated by me!  Just so nice to know that I have somehow, someway inspired these boys.  Kind souls tend to always find each other in this great big world of ours.

I also received my "Team Evelyn" t-shirts yesterday in the mail.  My friend and her lovely daughter's had them designed for me.  When I opened the box, it brought tears to my eyes.  It seems like I have been crying a lot these days.  Mostly tears of joy.  It is so amazing the outpour of love I am getting.  Looking at the shirts was just one of those times when I just feel so blessed that others care about me.  This shirt will remind me of how I have fought and survived breast cancer.  Something I set out to do at the very beginning of my journey!  This shirt makes me feel like I have already won for on this shirt it also says, "Claiming Victory."  I claimed victory at the very start.  I knew I had to believe that I would beat this.  I had to think positive and know that I would get through this with flying colors.  These shirts will hopefully help me earn money for my walk in November.  I pray that I have touched enough people that they will want to buy one for a cure for breast cancer or just for ME!!  :)

 

So Ready to be Done!

What a nice and relaxing week I have had so far.  After my very busy and exhausting weekend, I haven't really done much except relax and try to get my body ready for my next chemo session!  I am starting to feel really happy and excited.  I only have two more chemo sessions and then I am all done.  Done with the side effects, done with being at home all the time, done with taking all the pills, done with not being able to go to work and done with Breast Cancer.  To be at this stage in the game is a good feeling.  I remember when I was first diagnosed and looking ahead seemed so far away.  That finish line is looking closer and closer each day.

My physical appearance has changed a lot.  It feels weird to have no hair on my head but at the same time it is refreshing.  Not having to do my hair is nice.  I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes.  Kinda weird when I am suppose to lose them.  So everyday I look at myself in the mirror and wait to see if it looks like they are thinning out.  Hair in other places has fallen out but those two areas seem to be intact.  Now, I wonder what color my hair on my head will be when it decides to grow back.  Will it be gray, brunette or another color?  Won't get that answer until it starts to happen.  No matter what color it is, I will feel very happy that it is growing back in.  This bald head isn't so bad.  My family is use to it and they don't make me feel any different.  I really miss my artificial nails.  Had to take them off because I read that my nails might turn black.  Plus, I wanted to stay away from getting any type of infection.  Trying to stay away from crowds and germs.  Chemo kills white blood cells and getting an infection is more likely for a person taking chemo.  I am gaining weight and I hate it.  I was already a big girl and being on the steroids isn't helping.  But I have to be on the steroids to help with the chemo side effects and help fight infection.  So my bodily appearance isn't so pretty but you do what you have to do.  I just want to be all done and get back to being me.  This whole journey is teaching me so much about patience.

I spent the majority of Monday and Tuesday just resting.  However, on Tuesday I had to go see my oncologist to get my blood work done.  I was pleased to find out that my white blood cells, my hemoglobin and my red blood cells looked great!! My doctor told me  that he was so pleased with how well I was doing on chemo.  He told me to continue doing what I was doing.  I had to laugh at that statement.  I wasn't doing anything except resting, watching TV, reading and eating a lot.  But if those things are keeping me well enough to get my chemo treatments, then by golly, I will keep doing it.  :)  It made me feel very happy to know that I am getting chemo and doing so well.  My blessings are continuing and I am so grateful for it.  I know there are so many who are not doing so well medically and I feel selfish being so happy about my outcome.  It doesn't seem fair that I am making it through but there is someone somewhere not doing as well.  All I can say is that I am thankful and that I pray for others to do well.

Today, I woke up feeling a little out of it.  I had a slight headache and my joints were killing me.  Wanted to take a pain pill but I couldn't.  I needed to visit my doctor and then I had lunch plans with my friends from work.  So I slowly got up and got dressed to venture out.  Seeing my friends from work always excites me.  No matter how much pain I was in, I really wanted to see them and suffering for a little while was well worth it.  We had a lovely lunch, laughed with each other and just enjoyed each other's company.  This is the second time since I got sick that I was able to meet with them.  It really helps me when I see them.  Like I had said before, it makes me feel included and like I am part of the team again.  Being at home all summer like I have, has been really lonely.  Just to feel a part of their lives helps me a lot. After lunch, we said our goodbyes and each time I do that, I tear up.  Not sad tears but happy tears.  I am so blessed to have co-workers/friends that really care and love me!  They are my family and when I see them, I am overjoyed.  I just pray that if they ever need me, I can be there for them.  I love them so much and appreciate them being in my life.

I not only appreciate my friends at work, I so appreciate the other important friends in my life.  One such friend and her daughter designed a "Team Evelyn" t-shirt for me.  It is so beautiful and their gesture is so kind.  I plan on wearing this T-Shirt for my Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk in November.  This shirt can also be part of my fundraising.  My goal is $3000 and I plan on reaching that goal, if not going over it.  This walk is very important to me and very personal.  When I saw the t-shirt design, it made me smile.  Getting Breast Cancer has been a blessing in my life.  I have met some really neat people because of it.  It has opened my eyes and heart to things that I might not have been a part of.

Overall, I had a nice day.  Just like any outdoor excursion, I was whipped by the time I got home from lunch.  It is so funny.  Whenever I go out like that, coming home is like the best feeling.  The fatigue and being exhausted is so overwhelming.  As soon as I step foot in the house, I start stripping down.  Take off my hat, take off my bra, take off my clothes, take off my shoes and then I put my pajamas on.  Before I can say anything, I am in the bed or on the couch and I can literally hear my body saying "Awwwwwwww, it feels so good to be here." LOL  So I spent the rest of the day comatose and just relaxing.  Chemo is in 6 days and I need to get this body ready for another battle!

A Weekend of Joy!!

I sit here so tired that I can not even get out of bed!  But this tired feeling that I am feeling was so worth it.  This past weekend was wonderful and memorable for me for many reasons. Let me lay it out day by day.

Friday started out really nice.  It had been a long week with chemo and trying to work through it.  Chemo was hard but not as hard as the first time.  Maybe that is hard to understand but one would have to be me to fully understand what I mean.  On this day, is when I start to feel like a person again.  Not like this lifeless zombie laying around the house.  This is the day that I usually just relax and try to get my self back up to par.  I guess one could call it day one of replenishing my body.  That is just what I did all morning.  Then I get this phone call from a close friend.  She wanted to remind me that later on that evening, her son was going to play in a 3 on 3 basketball game and that he really wanted me to come.  I told her I would try and come.  Now, when I said that I would try and come, I really didn't think I was going to go because I was very queasy in the stomach, very tired and I hadn't ventured out the house with my bald head yet.  Well, as the day went on, all I can hear my friend saying was that her son wanted me there.  That is key.  A child wanted me to see him do something.  That is my weakness.  So, when Dre got off work, I told him that I needed to go downtown to watch this basketball game.  He looked at me and said, "Are you sure?  Are you up to it??"  I was sure but being up to it was probably a different story.  However, I got dressed and put on my hat.  I looked at the wig and decided that I would just throw on a hat.  It was only going to be for an hour and I can handle that.

Well, Dre loads me up and we head downtown to this basketball game.  First, what was I thinking.  We had to try and park at this event.  We couldn't find a spot close so I had Dre drop me off front by the doors because I knew I couldn't walk too far.  But as I sat there waiting for Dre to come, I realized that I was sitting here with a bald head under my hat.  For some reason, I felt so very insecure.  I was scared to look at people in the face for fear that they would stare at me.  So I just looked down and waited on Dre to walk up.  When he does, we walk into the building to go find my friend and her son.  Then it dawns on me that I am walking in this very public place with a hat on that is covering a bald head.  If anyone was staring, I didn't care at this moment.  All I was concerned with was seeing this little boy and basketball game.  As I walked up to the court, he saw me and he smiled. We watch game, this little boy was hitting his shots and doing a great job.  I sat there and smiled as I watched him get so excited when he would hit his baskets! When the game was over, he comes over to us and I give him a big ole hug.  I give him advice on what he needs to do to get better.  We talk and then he says the sweetest thing to.  I said "You are my favorite guy." And he replies, "You are my favorite friend."  That moment was so worth me coming and venturing out for the first time with my bald head. I thanked him for helping me concur my fear of leaving the house with a bald head for the first time.  He just smiled!  We left the game and I felt such a warmth in my heart.  To see a child smile because you made them feel happy is what life is all about.  I get home and I head straight to the bed.  This little outing was way too much for me.  I slept for 12 hours.  But was it worth it?  Heck yeah.  Well worth it.

Saturday was going to be another day of me needing to build up my energy.  I had to attend a wedding that evening.  This wedding was a very important event and I could not miss it.  So I spent the whole entire day in bed.  I rested and I didn't do much of anything. The prior day's escapade had worn me out anyway so resting all day was what I needed.  I really wasn't up to the level of feeling that great but I didn't want to disappoint the bride or groom. I told them I would be there and that was very important to me.  In order to enjoy two hours of this wedding, I knew it was going to take a whole day of resting to muster up the energy to get dressed and attend this event.  Well, evening comes and it is time for me to get my clothes on.  I had to take every will in my body to get this accomplished.  This was something that I didn't have to do alone.  Kristina and my lovely niece Abi helped me all the way.  I felt like I was an 80 year old woman but I so needed the help.  Tonight was going to be a night that I was going to have to wear my wig.  I was very nervous and I was so worried that everyone was going to notice how fake it looked.  Once I was all dressed, I put on my makeup and then I put on the wig.  It made me feel so not like me.  I felt so uncomfortable.  Yet, Andre, Kristina and Abi all kept saying how beautiful I looked.  Even though they said that, I just felt they were saying it because they loved me.

We arrive at the wedding and that insecurity started to hit me again.  I was so nervous to get out the car.  But I had to and I had to walk into this wedding.  I begin to see the people I love. They walk up to me and give me hugs.  They hadn't seen me since my whole journey had begun.  The love that I felt was so nice.  There were lots of tears.  I believe just seeing me made them feel that I was actually going to be okay.  They all told me that I looked beautiful and that they were so happy that I came to the wedding. As good as I may have looked on the outside, I was struggling trying to act like I felt good.  I get to my seat and wait for this wedding to begin.  As I am sitting there, I am looking around to see if people are staring at me with my wig on.  Sounds ridiculous but that is what I was doing.  I didn't see too many stares but I did notice that there were other women there wearing wigs.  I had to wear a wig because of cancer and I think there were just wearing wigs because they wanted to.  So what was I tripping on??? I said to myself, "Evelyn, you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Just go with it."  :)  And that I did.  After this beautiful wedding was over we went to the reception.  Now, I couldn't do anything but sit because I just wasn't up to it.  But I watched the love in the room and watched everyone having a good time.  This was yet another event that was well worth me getting out for.  This brought joy to my heart.  I have spent the whole summer literally confined to my house and getting out this weekend has really helped me.  Made me feel like my old self just for a moment!!

Sunday, my body was so tired and so exhausted that it took every ounce of me to get it moving.  On this day, I just focused on getting rest and nothing else but that.  The one thing that I learned over this weekend was that the people that love you the most, do not care if you wear a wig or if you are bald, they just want you around.  They just want you to be a part of their life.  I was putting so much emphasis on my wig, being bald that I forgot the importance of being with the ones you love.  Should I have stayed in the house and rested this weekend?  Yes.  Am I glad I went to watch basketball game and go to wedding? Yes.  In the great big scheme of things, I wouldn't change nothing that I did this weekend.  As I sit here on Monday morning typing this blog, I am suffering from a headache, nauseous stomach, no taste buds and extreme fatigue.  But I know these symptoms are only the aftermath of chemo.  Did anyone know that over the weekend I was feeling this way?  No.  I covered it up pretty well.  My nephew even said to me, "Auntie, you didn't even act or look like you had cancer." Heck no, I didn't.  I told myself from the beginning that I was not going to let cancer win.  This past weekend, cancer was shut down. With the help of the ones I love, I was able to act like Evelyn before cancer just for a moment.  It was something I really needed to do for my self.  When you are medically sick, one not only needs to take care of their body but you must also take care of your mind.  I had been feeling like I missed so much over the summer.  But this weekend, made me feel whole.  Made me feel so much better.

Now, the rest of the week I will spend trying to replenish my body for my next chemo treatment in 7 days.  That will be my third treatment and I will almost be done.  ;)  I had the best weekend and my heart is full of joy!!

Life is Precious!!

Chemo is so draining to my body.  I have done nothing but lay around and eat.  Eating like there is no tomorrow.  The last time I had cancer over 20 years ago, I lost so much weight.  I looked like walking death.  This time around, I am gaining weight.  Look like a blimp and feel like Shamu the whale with all the water that I am drinking.  I know a lot of the weight gain is due to the steroids that I am on.  But, man oh man, I didn't realize it was going to be this bad.  The ONLY thing I was looking forward to with chemo was losing weight.  But I was so wrong in thinking that.  I haven't lost one pound.  I crave foods like I am pregnant. It has a lot to do with my taste buds.  I like something one day and then the next day, it sounds nasty to me.  During my first session, I only wanted to eat Cap N Crunch..this session, the thought of Cap N Crunch makes me ill to my stomach.  Chemo for me lasts about 7 days..then the next 7 days is me trying to get by body back healthy and regain energy..then it is time for chemo again!  This is such a roller coaster ride.  Up, down, up and down.  Yet, the down part isn't any fun at all.  It actually really sucks!!  I am at the phase of chemo where I am feeling really ugly.  No hair, skin isn't looking too healthy, lips stay chapped, fingernails look bad and my whole demeanor is downright not where I want it to be.  However, I know this is just part of it all.  I haven't lost my eyebrows or my eyelashes yet.  Each day I look in the mirror and wait to see if I notice them leaving.  Not yet.

Ron left to go back home to Florida yesterday morning.  It was very sad for me to see him leave.  He has been my right hand man, my confidante, my personal assistant and my buddy for the past few  weeks.  It has been so nice having him home and having him take care of me.  Instead of the parent taking care of the child, it was the child taking care of the parent.  I was in a very somber mood most of yesterday.  I hated that he had to go back home but at the same time, I was so proud of him.  He is fulfilling his dream of going to law school and that makes me happy.  I just want  both of my children to be happy and well-adjusted adults.  That is all I hope for.

Today is the day that I need to just rest my body.  Chemo attacks and it is like a battle. I feel like I am at war the seven days after my treatment.  On that 8th day, I am so totally drained.  Not drained from working out or overexerting myself but drained from the chemo drugs that are attacking the cells in my body.  The next few days will be me just trying to build up energy and rest. I need to allow my cells to recharge and get healthy for the next chemo session.  It feels good to say that I am halfway done with the treatments.  I am so ready to be all the way done.  But I am learning the importance of patience in this world.  Things will come in time.  I so understand that.  I don't want to rush life.  This has taught me to just relax and enjoy the moment.  Life is precious and we should never take it for granted.  I have to keep telling myself this.  In the past, I might have done this but in my future, I do not want to rush through life anymore!!  






 

My Superman!!

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I just started thanking God for my life and my blessings.  Lately, I have been doing a lot of that.  Life is so precious and often, I have taken it for granted.  The past few days have been rough.  The side effects started to hit me like clock work.  I was hoping that this time around it would be easier than the first session.  Well, it wasn't.  It was the same.  I got the mouth sores, no taste buds, headaches, diarrhea, extreme fatigue and body aches.  It started to hit me at the exact same time as last time.  Only this time I was prepared.  I was proactive and these side effects weren't getting me down this go around.  They may try physically, but emotionally, I wasn't going to let it happen.

This summer was spent differently than I would normally have spent it.  I missed a lot of fun and basketball games this year.  For the past 6 years, I have spent every summer traveling and attending basketball events.  It has felt weird to not go to the various events and support the kids I love.  All I have been able to do is just pray for them and pray that they all had a wonderful summer and that they got the looks from coaches that they needed.  To watch Andre this summer has been somewhat hard on me.  I know he loves me and wanted to be here to help me, as he has done.  Yet, I know he wanted to be at all the different tournaments this summer to hang out with his basketball family and friends.  In the past, we use to have these disagreements because I would get jealous that he spent so much time dealing with basketball and talking on the phone about basketball.  Typical wife complaints like: you don't spend enough time with me, basketball is more important than me, you talk to others about basketball more than me, you are more worried about basketball than me, etc.... I love how generous and kind he is and I KNEW he was only doing what his heart desired.  However, that jealous monkey would always creep in and make me feel like I was second to his basketball escapades.  How wrong was I?? So very wrong.  This summer has shown me how VERY important I am to him.  I should have known it but what can I say.  I am a wife and sometimes we do, we believe and we say stupid things.  My Breast Cancer made us miss so much...my nephew's Draft party, Las Vegas AAU national tournament, various NBA skill camps, multiple AAU tournaments, Adidas Nations camp, Nike Global, Las Vegas excursions, a close friend's daughter's wedding, a 70th birthday party for someone special, graduations parties, promotions/changes at work, and a lot of other things that I would normally do in the summer. Through all the things that we missed, Andre has continued to show me his love for me.  We both would have opted for no breast cancer this summer but we got it and we dealt with it together.  This is what marriage is all about.  When we made those vows in 1999 and said "for better, or worse, in sickness and in health," we meant it.  Andre has stood by me for better and now for worse..he is here in sickness and has always been here in health!  He has proven to me the blessing of our union.  Our marriage has had it's ups and downs but through it all, we have maintained a deep love for one another.  A love so deep that NOTHING can make it fail.  It is strong and it is secure.  We are bonded and this has made my journey so much easier.  It is funny. When I first met Andre, I fell in love at first sight.  From the first day, he has been my my rock, my hero, my Superman!  He really needs a cape with a big old "A" on it for Andre! :) I am thankful for so much these days.  However, I am most thankful for my husband and the man that he is.  Our children are so blessed to have him for Dad.  He has kept this house together when at times I thought it was going to crack.  He has held the kids together when their Mom was too weak and couldn't.  He has went to work, come home and cleaned, cooked dinner, mowed the lawn and then comfort me.  He has tried to stay involved in our extended kids lives this summer by calling them and encouraging them.  He is Uncle Dre to so many and I see from first hand how much he loves these kids and fights for their futures.  He is a plain old good man.  He is my Superman and I am so proud to say that!!

Tomorrow, Ron leaves and I am starting to get sad.  Having him here has been really nice.  But I know that he must return to his life in Florida and back to law school.  I just pray that he goes with a peaceful mind.  I don't want him to worry about me.  I will be fine.  Chemo makes it look like I won't but it is only a part of the process of healing.  The next time my son sees me, I will be all done with chemo and on the road to recovery.  My hair will start growing back in and I will start having more energy.  That is what I am looking forward to.  Returning to my old self.  I don't regret what I am going through but I can't help but hope for better days.  Days where I can look back on this whole journey and smile because I did it.

Received another donation to the walk.  That is wonderful.  This walk is very important to me and raising money to fight Breast Cancer is much more important.  I know God is using me right now and it feels so good to be used by God.  My goal will be met because I believe it will.  Once I am up and on my feet, the fundraising will begin strong.  Breast Cancer needs to be stopped in its tracks and a cure needs to be found.  Too many shameless deaths from it and too many people being diagnosed daily.  I am a prime example of someone who thought I would never get it.  No past medical history, no symptoms, no lump, past good mammograms, and I did self exam each month.  But this year, my mammo came back abnormal and it shocked me.  Early detection is what helped me. That is the key.  Many women over the age of 40 don't even go and get yearly mammo's.  We must do it for our lives.  If I can encourage just one person to get their annual mammo, I would be happy. My voice is going to be heard whenever I speak.  I will preach and preach on mammograms to all that I meet.  My story will not be silent because I want to tell everyone about it.  I want to save as many lives as I can with my story.  Some may not want to know about it but that doesn't matter.  I am here for the ones that want to listen.  Can't please everyone but I can please someone.  Hopefully, that someone that I please will pay it forward and help someone else.  We need a domino effect to win this battle with Breast Cancer. I will spend the rest of my life fighting and helping where I can to find a cure!!