All that Matters is Love!

All I can say is that these past few days have been something out of a war movie.  Since my last post, I have been in bed battling with my body.  This last treatment was by far the hardest on me and it took me to places of pain that I didn't even know existed.  I don't remember much because I was taking pain pills and nausea meds around the clock to cope.  I was in so much pain on Monday, that I couldn't even make my hand move to pick up the bottle of pain pills.  I just laid around in bed all day and waited on Andre to come home so he could give me a pill.  It was crazy.  My joints were aching so bad.  My knees were in pain.  All I did was moan all day long. I was having chills and I stayed dizzy.  By the time Andre came home, I was pathetic.  He immediately gave me a pill and started to take care of me.  All I wanted to do was just lay in silence.  I didn't even want to watch TV.  I spent most of Monday night just praying that the pain would please go away.  I cried a lot because it hurt so bad.  Falling asleep that evening was easy since all my meds make me tired but throughout the night, I tossed and turned from the pain that I was feeling. Around 4:00 a.m. in the morning, I woke in a bed of sweat.  I remember whispering to Andre "Honey, my knees hurt and I don't feel so good."  My sweet husband jumps up and takes my temperature.  It reads "101.7"  That is too high for a chemo patient.  We call my doctor and he advises me to go to the hospital.  So off we go to the ER again.  I swear, I am so tired of rushing to the hospital.  But I know it is important with my immune system being low.  After multiple tests and xrays, they diagnose that I have a bladder infection.  My blood count looked great and nothing else looked abnormal.  I never realized how relieved I would be to hear that I had a bladder infection.  :)  I get antibiotics and then they send me back home.  It was a long and hard day but I managed to get through it.  Chemo wasn't going to let me off too easy I see.  It was definitely going to send me off with fireworks.  That is kind of how my body has felt.  Like fireworks were exploding in me all day long.

Last night, I was up most of the night off and on.  Around 3:00 a.m. this morning, my eyes opened.  My stomach felt queasy and I was feeling a little pain in my knees.  I fell back to sleep and woke at 5:00 a.m. again.  This time was different.  I opened my eyes and I felt no pain at all.  As I looked around the room, I waited to see if my stomach was queasy.  No queasy feeling.  Can this be real?? Am I laying here feeling normal?? I push Andre and tell him to get up for work.  As he is getting ready to leave, I just lay there thinking that this can't really finally be over.  Andre comes to give me a kiss goodbye and I fall back asleep.  Then the strangest thing happens to me.  I suddenly wake up at 6:50 a.m.  Only, this time, I felt like it was a burst of energy, a spirit like presence, God was waking me.  As I opened my eyes, I immediately started crying and I immediately starting praising and thanking God!!  It was a feeling so real, so deep and so powerful that made all that I have been through so worth it.  What I have gone through all summer was what lead me to the point where I am now.  I only know that I want to live the rest of my life out pleasing God and helping others.  I have learned so much during my journey.  I don't know why some people die from cancer and I don't know why some people live.  It isn't fair that anyone has to die from cancer.  Cancer sucks and it isn't nice to people.  It is very personal and it is different for everyone that gets it.  For me, it has tried to destroy my life twice.  Both times, it took my hair away, it took people from my life, it made me sick, it made me see things differently.  But the one thing cancer has never done to me, was make me lose faith in God.  I know God has a plan for me.  That plan is huge because He saved me twice.  Surviving cancer twice doesn't make me any better than anyone else, it just means that God's plan for me is different.  He plans on using me somewhere. My life has been changed by cancer twice.  The strength that I have endured from these experiences have prepared me for something that is important in my future.  My future looks bright and I know whatever obstacle that may come my way, I know I can get through it.  Now, I can be a rock for my children, my grandchildren, my friends, my extended children and my husband.  Cancer gives you a whole different perspective on life.  You learn that each and every moment that you are here is a precious moment. You learn to not take people and life for granted.  You learn that at the end of the day, really all that matters is love!!