Breast Cancer was a Blessing!

This has been a very long week.  I have spent most of it just trying to get myself healthy.  Haven't written much in my blog because truthfully, I haven't felt like it and when I would remember, it was too late and I was too tired.  But I need to catch up before I forget how my week went.  This chemo makes me forget everything and it is awful. I will literally forget a thought as soon as I think it.  SMH.. Let me try to go back to Sunday night...

Sunday afternoon was spent with me mainly resting.  I was so tired from my hospital stay.  I didn't get much sleep and being home in my bed was so nice.  I slept mainly all day.  Didn't eat much because my stomach was still a little queasy from my hospital stay with no eating for a few days.

Monday was Labor Day.  I was excited because we were invited over a friends house for a barbeque.  This friend is more like family. Lately, we have been spending a lot of holidays over at their house and it feels nice.  I felt a lot better, however, I was really tired.  I just knew that I had to take it slow.  So I was able to manage to cook some cupcakes and Andre grilled some ribs to take over to their house.  We had the very best day ever.  We ate, laughed, played board games and just enjoyed everyone's company.  It was a long day but a day worth it.  When I got home that evening, I crashed. My body feels like an elderly person's body but I am determined to get my energy level back up once this chemo is all done.

Tuesday I met with my 3 Day Walk team!! These wonderful spiritual women are a gift to me.  Whenever, I am with them, it feels so right.  We talk about our walk, we pray, we eat and we just fellowship.  It is so nice.  I am going to do my best to raise money and to do this walk.  With God willing, I will be able to accomplish both goals.  I trust that God will get me to where I need to be.  After meeting with them, I just rested the whole day.  This was a hard day for me.  A special young girl, that I am very close to had to have back surgery to relieve pain she was having. The surgery took 5 hours and recovery was 8 hours. She was on my mind all day.  The pain that I know she has been feeling will go away but the process to get there is going to be hard for her.  If I could take her pain away and give it to myself, I would do it for this precious girl.  My mind was on her all day.  I finally heard from her Mom that she was in the hospital room and doing well.  That was what I needed to hear.  I was just worried to see how she was going to do in the next few days after surgery.  Those are normally the hardest days.

I started Wednesday out actually feeling a lot better.  Each day is a better day.  I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.  Wow, it is starting.  My eyebrows are shrinking away.  Actually, the left one is a lot thinner than the right one.  I notice that I missing some of my eyelashes. Oh, man.  I was really praying that I wouldn't lose hair in these two areas.  But it was expected.  Chemo is putting it's finishing touches on my body.  What else is it going to do?? I am noticing that my skin is really dry.  My fingers are also starting to get numb more often.  It is crazy but I feel like I have developed every side effect possible.  Yes, it sucks but I know it is what happens with chemo.  And chemo is suppose to save my life.  So, I just have to deal with it.  Don't have to like it but just deal with it.  On this day, I thought I would venture to the grocery store to get a few things. Haven't done this without Andre since I got Breast Cancer.  BIG MISTAKE!!  My dumb butt went to Walmart because I wanted to save money.  I got what I needed and when I went to check out, the lines were long and not enough cashiers were working.  As I was waiting in line, I started to feel faint and not so good.  I just started to pray to God to please let me check out and get home.  As soon as the cashier was done with me, I got to my car and drove home the fastest I could.  I couldn't even get the groceries out of the car.  Thank God, I didn't buy anything cold or frozen.  I go in the house, see my bed and literally passed out on it.  This excursion, once again, was too much for me.  What was I thinking?? I guess I was just trying to be normal like I was before.  I am not there yet.  I need to slow my roll.  When I told Andre, he was upset.  He should be.  I am just getting so impatient to be better.  But I can't rush it.  I have to allow it to happen when my body is totally ready.

Woke up today very happy.  My niece and 10 month old great-nephew were coming to visit me for a few days.  This boy is my joy and my heart.  Just knowing that he is spending time with me makes me so excited.  Something about kids that makes everything alright.  His name is Trey and he is the apple of my eye!!

Hadn't heard from my special girl today.  I am worried about her.  I did find out that she is in extreme pain, not eating, nauseous and very uncomfortable.  That is what I feared.  I feel so helpless that I can't be there and/or assist her parents.  All I can do is pray and send positive vibes there way. This young girl has encouraged me and cheered me on all during my journey.  It is my turn to return the favor.  She is one of the reasons that I have fought so hard.  She has told me that reading my blog has inspired her.  I pray that she see's how important it is to fight and to not give up.  Now I must be her cheerleader!

At this stage in my treatment, I am feeling really down on my looks.  Just a normal humanly feeling.  Nothing looks or seems right to me.  I am awfully brave about things though.  I walked around Walmart by myself.  I tried to not give eye contact but when I did, I noticed people staring at me.  It is very noticeable that I am bald and don't have much facial hair anymore.  When I feel they are looking, I just look back and most times, they turn away.  I know they don't mean any harm but that is what people do when they feel someone doesn't look the way society says we should look.  I return to work Oct. 3 and I know the people that know me will treat me the same.  I am just nervous about all the new hires who don't know me.  Will I be considered the "sick girl" that was out all summer??  Will they whisper among themselves about the way I look?  Do I really care?? NO..the people at my job that know me will love me for who I am.  They won't judge me by the way that I look.

Just found out tonight, that a friend of mines has joined my club.  She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and will have to have chemo. I will reach out to her and give her insight the best that I can. I know this is one of the reasons that I got Breast Cancer.  It was for times like this.  This is the time for me to help someone else and to help them through this difficult time.  I once said getting Breast Cancer was a blessing.  This is what I still believe!!!