All that Matters is Love!

All I can say is that these past few days have been something out of a war movie.  Since my last post, I have been in bed battling with my body.  This last treatment was by far the hardest on me and it took me to places of pain that I didn't even know existed.  I don't remember much because I was taking pain pills and nausea meds around the clock to cope.  I was in so much pain on Monday, that I couldn't even make my hand move to pick up the bottle of pain pills.  I just laid around in bed all day and waited on Andre to come home so he could give me a pill.  It was crazy.  My joints were aching so bad.  My knees were in pain.  All I did was moan all day long. I was having chills and I stayed dizzy.  By the time Andre came home, I was pathetic.  He immediately gave me a pill and started to take care of me.  All I wanted to do was just lay in silence.  I didn't even want to watch TV.  I spent most of Monday night just praying that the pain would please go away.  I cried a lot because it hurt so bad.  Falling asleep that evening was easy since all my meds make me tired but throughout the night, I tossed and turned from the pain that I was feeling. Around 4:00 a.m. in the morning, I woke in a bed of sweat.  I remember whispering to Andre "Honey, my knees hurt and I don't feel so good."  My sweet husband jumps up and takes my temperature.  It reads "101.7"  That is too high for a chemo patient.  We call my doctor and he advises me to go to the hospital.  So off we go to the ER again.  I swear, I am so tired of rushing to the hospital.  But I know it is important with my immune system being low.  After multiple tests and xrays, they diagnose that I have a bladder infection.  My blood count looked great and nothing else looked abnormal.  I never realized how relieved I would be to hear that I had a bladder infection.  :)  I get antibiotics and then they send me back home.  It was a long and hard day but I managed to get through it.  Chemo wasn't going to let me off too easy I see.  It was definitely going to send me off with fireworks.  That is kind of how my body has felt.  Like fireworks were exploding in me all day long.

Last night, I was up most of the night off and on.  Around 3:00 a.m. this morning, my eyes opened.  My stomach felt queasy and I was feeling a little pain in my knees.  I fell back to sleep and woke at 5:00 a.m. again.  This time was different.  I opened my eyes and I felt no pain at all.  As I looked around the room, I waited to see if my stomach was queasy.  No queasy feeling.  Can this be real?? Am I laying here feeling normal?? I push Andre and tell him to get up for work.  As he is getting ready to leave, I just lay there thinking that this can't really finally be over.  Andre comes to give me a kiss goodbye and I fall back asleep.  Then the strangest thing happens to me.  I suddenly wake up at 6:50 a.m.  Only, this time, I felt like it was a burst of energy, a spirit like presence, God was waking me.  As I opened my eyes, I immediately started crying and I immediately starting praising and thanking God!!  It was a feeling so real, so deep and so powerful that made all that I have been through so worth it.  What I have gone through all summer was what lead me to the point where I am now.  I only know that I want to live the rest of my life out pleasing God and helping others.  I have learned so much during my journey.  I don't know why some people die from cancer and I don't know why some people live.  It isn't fair that anyone has to die from cancer.  Cancer sucks and it isn't nice to people.  It is very personal and it is different for everyone that gets it.  For me, it has tried to destroy my life twice.  Both times, it took my hair away, it took people from my life, it made me sick, it made me see things differently.  But the one thing cancer has never done to me, was make me lose faith in God.  I know God has a plan for me.  That plan is huge because He saved me twice.  Surviving cancer twice doesn't make me any better than anyone else, it just means that God's plan for me is different.  He plans on using me somewhere. My life has been changed by cancer twice.  The strength that I have endured from these experiences have prepared me for something that is important in my future.  My future looks bright and I know whatever obstacle that may come my way, I know I can get through it.  Now, I can be a rock for my children, my grandchildren, my friends, my extended children and my husband.  Cancer gives you a whole different perspective on life.  You learn that each and every moment that you are here is a precious moment. You learn to not take people and life for granted.  You learn that at the end of the day, really all that matters is love!!

My Last Chemo Treatment!!!!!!!!

Wednesday was a good day for me.  Didn’t feel sick, had a little energy and the horrible gas that I was dealing with the past few days that was causing me lower back pain had left my body.  The pain left with the help of a multiple of farts.  LOL  I was on a roll but each fart allowed the gas to be released.  My doctor said it was probably from the colonoscopy.  I was just glad that each fart was making me feel much better.  I tried to spend this day just making sure things were in order since I know I was going to be down for about seven days. Had to go to my doctor’s office to get blood work done.  Wait to see doctor and he tells me what I want to hear.  Blood work was great and that he wanted to see me again in 4 weeks.  It felt so good to hear that.  So I just walked my happy self out of his office and went home to try to rest. 

Thursday comes and I didn’t sleep so well the night before.  It is probably due to the fact of mixed emotions.  I am nervous because I know that the side effects will be hard on me but at the same time, I am excited because it will be my last treatment.  This day seemed so far off in June.  I knew it was coming and I believed that I would get here but it is a very surreal feeling.  I BELIEVED from the very beginning that I was going to win this battle with Breast Cancer.  I was determined to stay positive and not allow the disease to control me.  There were some negative days but I was able to fight through them.  My will and my spirit stayed very strong from day one.  This girl has been through so much and I was not going to let this roadblock in life stop me from living a full life.  I have too much I still want to do and I need to be here for all my babies that I love.   I need to be here for Andre.  There are things that I haven’t done yet and I need to do them.  I was not going to let cancer stop me from fulfilling these things. 

I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face.  Today was the day.  That is all I could think about.  I immediately started thanking God for everything.  I have been doing that a lot these days.  I thank God in the morning, when I am eating breakfast, in the toilet, in the shower, heck, I thank God any and everywhere!  I am so thankful for all the blessings that I have received during this journey.  Prayers were answered and I felt them.  It is amazing how I got blessing after blessing all summer.  I once asked my girlfriend a question about why did I feel that I was always giving to so many but I never felt it wasn’t reciprocated back to me.  She said, “Honey, it is reciprocated back to you.  Look how God has blessed you all during this process.  God saw and He is taking care of you now.”  Wow, she was right.  All my good deeds were noticed by God and He is showing me now that He saw.  That thought made me feel good.  I want to please God and be worthy.  I have always had a good heart and always want to see others happy.  Often times more happier than me.  When others hurt, it is hard for me to bear.

Well, I got up and tidied the house up.  Changed bed sheets and got my meds ready for the week.  Took my shower.  While in shower, I felt so revived and free.  As I washed my baldhead and my flat right breast area, I REALLY felt like the winner that I know was in me.  I beat this cancer and today was my last treatment.  In the beginning, my hair and my breast removal seemed so important but today it was the least important.  I just want to see the joy on the people that I love and that love me.  That is what is important. I finish up shower and dry off.  I look in the mirror and I notice that I still have some of my eyebrows and lashes.  They are thinned out but not all gone.  Will I still lose them?? I don’t know.  But we will see.  I get dressed in my “Team Evelyn” shirt and wait for my friend to pick me up.  She was going to take me to lunch and my chemo treatment.  Then Andre was going to come and stay with me towards the end to bring me home.  We go to Olive Garden and I had a wonderful lunch and it was nice.   I always have a pre-chemo meal and this was particularly wonderful.  It was my last pre-chemo meal!! 

After we were done, we head to clinic to get my chemo treatment.  I walk in and my nurse sees me.  The whole office is excited for me.  I can tell.  It is like a graduation of sorts.  This chemo treatment was different than the others.  I slept the whole time.  This is something I have never done before.  So now I am wondering if my side effects are going to be bad.  Oh, well, can’t turn back now.  Must just handle it and push forward.  When I saw the last few drops of the IV drop into my veins, I got this overall feeling to jump for joy.  I couldn’t but sure wanted to.  This had to be added to my list of the “One of the Best Days of my Life.”   As my nurse took out the IV for the last time and I could see she was sad to see me go.  She looked at me and said, “You have a beautiful soul and a great personality.   It was my honor to be your chemo nurse. “  Wow, that was so nice.  However, she was my Angel because she took great care of me at each treatment.  I was sad to leave.  I will most definitely be checking back in to see her over the next months.  Andre and I walk out to the car and I can immediately feel the fatigue coming on.  He takes me home and here I lay in bed to try and write in my blog.  I really wanted to write something before I have to deal with all these side effects.  I normally am shut down and it is hard to sit up and type on computer.  So my blog might not get done for a few days.  I just want to focus on rest and letting the chemo drugs work for the last time. 

Yes, it is was my last chemo treatment but I still need to watch how I take care of my body.  I need to eat healthier, start a exercise program and stick with it, and continue to be proactive in staying on top of my medical needs.  Can cancer come back?  Yes it can.  But it could also touch one of my loved ones.  During this time, I have had two friends diagnosed with cancer.  Cancer has no special friends because it can attack EVERYONE whenever it wants to.  That is why we must continue to pray for cures and donate to help researchers find cures.   It often takes a tragic event for us to want to get involved.  It did for me.  I will never stop being a part of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer organization because I see how wonderful it is and how it has helped so many women.  It has helped me.  That was the first website that I went to for information.   It calmed my nerves and it gave me hope.  Cancer is out there and it is touching people’s lives each and ever day.  Some live and some die from it. But Cancer didn’t win over here. I fought it, I knocked it out and I stomped on its little old head.   I wanted to live and I was determined to do that.  Yes, we all must die but I was not going to let Cancer be the reason for me.   I am the winner this time and I will continue to fight.  The next five years while I am in remission will be tough but I have to continue to stay positive, pray to God and have hope that it will never come in my life again.  It tried two times to take me out but I had the strength and power to not allow it.  

I AM A FIGHTER, I AM A SURVIOR AND I AM A WINNER!! How you like me now???  :)

September 11, 2001~We Must Never Forget!!

I had a wonderful weekend!! My niece came to visit me and brought my handsome great-nephew, Karl Michael Brown III.  We call him Trey.  She came to Dallas from Wichita, Ks to celebrate her birthday.  The beauty of it all is that while she enjoyed Dallas, I was able to spend quality time at home with Trey. I must say that this had to be the best weekend ever.  Just being around this loving and sweet baby was what I needed.  I have spent the whole summer at home, getting chemo, being sick and just trying to cope with it all.  Having Trey here gave me a chance to truly forget about me and focus only on him.  We laughed, we played, we ate and we just loved on each other.  This time with him gave me back the feeling of what I missed the most this summer, helping the ones I love.  Trey solely depended on his Aunt Ev and this was nice.  It was nice to be needed and to be able to take care of him.  From Thursday of last week to Sunday, I was one happy person.  I couldn't stop smiling with joy.  One day, I will have to tell Trey how much he helped me when he was 9 months old.  I will tell him, that he allowed me to not think about my situation but to focus on spending time with him.  When they left on Sunday, I was sad.  Seeing them drive off was difficult.  I sure wish they lived in Texas.  But when I am all well, I will fly to Wichita to visit him more often.  One of the wonderful benefits of working for an airline is traveling.  While Trey was here, I wasn't able to do much of anything except be with him.  That is one reason I wasn't able to write in my blog.  I never had a free moment and when I did, I was napping.  Little babies are very exhausting.

On Monday, I could't do anything but lay in bed all day.  I didn't do much moving around over the weekend but whatever I did, drained me on Monday.  I woke up and watched this documentary about September 11th.  Probably not a good idea.  I believe this is what put me in a depressed state.  I knew September 11 was Sunday but I was so busy with family and their departure, that I didn't really dwell on it.  However, Monday was a different story.  After watching the documentary, I was forced to think about what I was doing on that day.  I will never forget it.  My Dad was at his office and I was driving there.  He called me and said, "Honey, something crashed into the World Trade Center."  I said, "No Daddy."  He commenced to tell me what he was hearing on the radio.  He told me to go back home and watch the TV to see what was up. I turn around and drive back home.  As I am driving back home, my Dad called back and said, "OMG, there was another crash into the other building.  Baby, go get the kids and go home until we find out what is going on.  I think it is a terrorist attack."  So, I did what he said.  I spent the rest of that day glued to the TV, hugging my children and watching the war on America with tears running down my face!  All I could do was pray and pray.  I literally stayed home for about a week devastated and scared.  I knew no one involved in it but I felt like I knew them all.  It pained me to think that there were people that cruel in our world to do such a horrific thing.  The person that I am hates to see others hurt and to see America hurting this deeply was too much for me.  Yes, that was 10 years ago but seeing that documentary on this day made it all very fresh and new again.  It made me think of my father and how he sent me home to be safe.  It made me think of how my father was my hero all my life and that I wish right now he was with me.  September 11, 2011 was a very sad day in America.  If it taught me anything, it taught me how important it is to tell the people you love that you love them daily.   At any split second, something could happen and then you would never see them again.  We must never forget that day and we must continue to pray for everyone that was personally affected by that day.  Yes, Monday was difficult for me and I had to pray a lot to get through it.

Today has been better for me.  I chose to wake up and smile and not be down.  I shouldn't be down.  In just two more days, I will have my LAST chemo treatment.  Mixed emotions about it.  I am so nervous because I hear it might be my hardest but excited because it will be my last one.  Then I can start my life over again.  I have so much I want to do.  All summer, I have dreamed of my last treatment day coming.  It seemed so far off when I was first told that I would have to have chemo.  Now, I can't believe the time is finally here.  My sweet loving honey, Andre, is going to take me. That man is wonderful.  I have to continue to say that because without him, I couldn't have done it.  His laughter when I needed it on a day I was depressed, his sweet comments about how beautiful I am with a bald head, his tender kisses on my chapped lips after chemo, his support on days when I felt I couldn't do it anymore and his constant love is what made this journey bearable.  I have so many dreams for us for the future.  Our future looks bright.  Thirteen years being married to my best friend is a blessing from God.  I went through a lot of frogs before I found my Prince!  Thank you God for Andre Auturo Johnson!!  

Breast Cancer was a Blessing!

This has been a very long week.  I have spent most of it just trying to get myself healthy.  Haven't written much in my blog because truthfully, I haven't felt like it and when I would remember, it was too late and I was too tired.  But I need to catch up before I forget how my week went.  This chemo makes me forget everything and it is awful. I will literally forget a thought as soon as I think it.  SMH.. Let me try to go back to Sunday night...

Sunday afternoon was spent with me mainly resting.  I was so tired from my hospital stay.  I didn't get much sleep and being home in my bed was so nice.  I slept mainly all day.  Didn't eat much because my stomach was still a little queasy from my hospital stay with no eating for a few days.

Monday was Labor Day.  I was excited because we were invited over a friends house for a barbeque.  This friend is more like family. Lately, we have been spending a lot of holidays over at their house and it feels nice.  I felt a lot better, however, I was really tired.  I just knew that I had to take it slow.  So I was able to manage to cook some cupcakes and Andre grilled some ribs to take over to their house.  We had the very best day ever.  We ate, laughed, played board games and just enjoyed everyone's company.  It was a long day but a day worth it.  When I got home that evening, I crashed. My body feels like an elderly person's body but I am determined to get my energy level back up once this chemo is all done.

Tuesday I met with my 3 Day Walk team!! These wonderful spiritual women are a gift to me.  Whenever, I am with them, it feels so right.  We talk about our walk, we pray, we eat and we just fellowship.  It is so nice.  I am going to do my best to raise money and to do this walk.  With God willing, I will be able to accomplish both goals.  I trust that God will get me to where I need to be.  After meeting with them, I just rested the whole day.  This was a hard day for me.  A special young girl, that I am very close to had to have back surgery to relieve pain she was having. The surgery took 5 hours and recovery was 8 hours. She was on my mind all day.  The pain that I know she has been feeling will go away but the process to get there is going to be hard for her.  If I could take her pain away and give it to myself, I would do it for this precious girl.  My mind was on her all day.  I finally heard from her Mom that she was in the hospital room and doing well.  That was what I needed to hear.  I was just worried to see how she was going to do in the next few days after surgery.  Those are normally the hardest days.

I started Wednesday out actually feeling a lot better.  Each day is a better day.  I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.  Wow, it is starting.  My eyebrows are shrinking away.  Actually, the left one is a lot thinner than the right one.  I notice that I missing some of my eyelashes. Oh, man.  I was really praying that I wouldn't lose hair in these two areas.  But it was expected.  Chemo is putting it's finishing touches on my body.  What else is it going to do?? I am noticing that my skin is really dry.  My fingers are also starting to get numb more often.  It is crazy but I feel like I have developed every side effect possible.  Yes, it sucks but I know it is what happens with chemo.  And chemo is suppose to save my life.  So, I just have to deal with it.  Don't have to like it but just deal with it.  On this day, I thought I would venture to the grocery store to get a few things. Haven't done this without Andre since I got Breast Cancer.  BIG MISTAKE!!  My dumb butt went to Walmart because I wanted to save money.  I got what I needed and when I went to check out, the lines were long and not enough cashiers were working.  As I was waiting in line, I started to feel faint and not so good.  I just started to pray to God to please let me check out and get home.  As soon as the cashier was done with me, I got to my car and drove home the fastest I could.  I couldn't even get the groceries out of the car.  Thank God, I didn't buy anything cold or frozen.  I go in the house, see my bed and literally passed out on it.  This excursion, once again, was too much for me.  What was I thinking?? I guess I was just trying to be normal like I was before.  I am not there yet.  I need to slow my roll.  When I told Andre, he was upset.  He should be.  I am just getting so impatient to be better.  But I can't rush it.  I have to allow it to happen when my body is totally ready.

Woke up today very happy.  My niece and 10 month old great-nephew were coming to visit me for a few days.  This boy is my joy and my heart.  Just knowing that he is spending time with me makes me so excited.  Something about kids that makes everything alright.  His name is Trey and he is the apple of my eye!!

Hadn't heard from my special girl today.  I am worried about her.  I did find out that she is in extreme pain, not eating, nauseous and very uncomfortable.  That is what I feared.  I feel so helpless that I can't be there and/or assist her parents.  All I can do is pray and send positive vibes there way. This young girl has encouraged me and cheered me on all during my journey.  It is my turn to return the favor.  She is one of the reasons that I have fought so hard.  She has told me that reading my blog has inspired her.  I pray that she see's how important it is to fight and to not give up.  Now I must be her cheerleader!

At this stage in my treatment, I am feeling really down on my looks.  Just a normal humanly feeling.  Nothing looks or seems right to me.  I am awfully brave about things though.  I walked around Walmart by myself.  I tried to not give eye contact but when I did, I noticed people staring at me.  It is very noticeable that I am bald and don't have much facial hair anymore.  When I feel they are looking, I just look back and most times, they turn away.  I know they don't mean any harm but that is what people do when they feel someone doesn't look the way society says we should look.  I return to work Oct. 3 and I know the people that know me will treat me the same.  I am just nervous about all the new hires who don't know me.  Will I be considered the "sick girl" that was out all summer??  Will they whisper among themselves about the way I look?  Do I really care?? NO..the people at my job that know me will love me for who I am.  They won't judge me by the way that I look.

Just found out tonight, that a friend of mines has joined my club.  She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and will have to have chemo. I will reach out to her and give her insight the best that I can. I know this is one of the reasons that I got Breast Cancer.  It was for times like this.  This is the time for me to help someone else and to help them through this difficult time.  I once said getting Breast Cancer was a blessing.  This is what I still believe!!!

Colonoscopy wasn't that bad!

I titled my blog "My Wonderful Journey with Breast Cancer" for a reason.  From the moment that I learned that I had breast cancer, I decided that I was going to beat it and that I was gong to be taken down a wonderful journey.  I just knew that I was going to experience things that I wouldn't normally experience if I didn't have it.  Wonderful was appropriate because I knew whatever I experienced was going to make my life change for the better.  I believed that. When I initially started my blog, it was just for me to help keep my loved ones informed of what was going on with me.  I didn't want to have to explain over and over again what was up.  I never realized how important my blog would be for me.  It often times inspires me on days when I need it.  Re-reading some of my entires helps me see what I went through and how I got through it.  When I hear that it has inspired someone else, then it really makes it all worth it.

WARNING: PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED-TALKING ABOUT COLONOSCOPY AND NASTY STUFF!!  

The last time I wrote again, I was sitting in hospital about to go to sleep from the morphine that they gave me.  I spent the rest of Thursday night just resting.  Not peacefully but resting.  It is so hard to rest in hospitals because they interrupt you throughout the night.  The nurses and techs kept coming into my room to talk to me.  They said I was the "nicest patient" that they had ever seen. I guess I thought all patients were nice to the people that were taking care of them.  I was evidently wrong on that.  My stomach had this achy feeling constantly.  They were giving me nausea medicine every 4 hours and it still didn't seem to work.  I was on a liquid diet.  This made me wonder if I was just hungry but the thought of food made me sick.  

When I woke up Friday morning, I was still feeling sick.  I was anxious to see the doctor to find out what was wrong with me.  By the time he came, I was so ready to get an answer and to find out how to fix this issue going on with me.  I hadn't seen any blood since that first time.  This had to be a good sign.  By the time the Gastrologist doctor came, I was so sick.  The doctor told me that my CT Scan showed that my left colon was inflammed. In order to see what was going on, he needed to do another test.  He looked me over and then he said something that I didn't want to hear.  "Evelyn, you need to have a colonoscopy done!"  I said, "I do."  He stated that he needed to go in and look at my colon closer to make sure there wasn't any cancer, polyps or something else going on.  He explained that he would do the procedure Saturday morning.  However, I would have to clean my colon out first.  So I was suppose to drink this gallon of liquid today that would clean me out before my Saturday procedure.  Of course, I knew it wouldn't taste great.  I just knew it.  Around 4:00 p.m., the nurse brings this liquid in to me and tells me to have it done by Midnight.  I took the first sip and OMG, it was the worse.  I wanted to gag.  I attempt to start drinking this mess.  One sip of liquid, one sip of grape juice.  I had to do whatever I could to get it down.  It took me the whole 8 hours to drink it.  During those eight hours, I was going to the bathroom every hour to clean out.  The nurse stated that my bowel movement had to be clear with no matter in it.  Let me just say, I spent the rest of the evening sleeping on the toilet.  LOL 

Saturday morning I waited for my procedure to get done.  The nurse  tech that came in to get my vitals was this young pregnant woman.  I could tell she had something on her mind when she started to take my blood pressure.  Typical me, I asked her was she ok.  She starts to tell me some of her struggles (first week of nursing school, being pregnant, and husband issues.) I then begin to talk to her about life and faith.  Told her my struggle this whole summer and what I have been through.  Tried to help her see that even when things look bad, there is always something good coming. Before she left my room, she thanked me and said that I was want she needed that morning.  The next time she came back to my room, she had a huge smile and her eyes were bright.  I said, "Now that is what I want to see."  She said to me, "After talking with you this morning, I realized that I need to trust God more."  I like that.  There was a reason that I had to be in that hospital room that morning.  

They finally came and got me around 10:30 a.m.  I was told that the procedure would take about an hour.  Another good thing was that they were going to put me to sleep and I wouldn't feel a thing.  Thank God is all I could think.  Get to the surgery room and they start to prep me for the procedure.  I must say the best part was getting the sleeping anesthesia.  As soon as he gave it to me, I was out.  All I remember was saying to the doctor was "How fast will I....." When I woke, I was relieved to find out that I wasn't sore.  They did say that I would pass a lot of gas.  That isn't anything.  I got my results immediately.  My doctor said they found NO CANCER, NO POLYPS, NO NOTHING.  I had something called Colitis. Basically, an inflammed colon.  This could have been caused by a lot of things.  He said I wouldn't need any meds for it but that it should heal on its own.  Thank you God!!! I was so elated and felt so happy to hear this news.  Doctor said that I wouldn't need another one for 10 years now.  That was also good news.  Drinking that liquid the night before was horrible but the procedure wasn't bad at all. When I return to my room, I tell Andre and Krissy the good news and I can see the relief in their eyes.  Another test with another good result.  We all feel the blessings.  Doctor releases me to go home and I prepare to leave the hospital. 

My hospital stay wasn't what I wanted to do but it was necessary.  I had always heard people say they didn't want to get a colonoscopy.  But now I realize how important this procedure is.  The one thing I have learned is early detection is important in curing things.  So for me, I am glad that I had it done.  I now know that my colon is good. Coming to the hospital was necessary also because I was able to help that young nurse tech. This stay was just another roadblock that I had to get through.  This journey has taken me up and down a lot of different directions.  But each direction shows me so much about my life.  I was determined from the very beginning to make this journey wonderful, regardless of how bad it got.  I knew I had to be positive and that I had to see the good in everything.  The definition of wonderful is: exciting wonder (which I wondered about what was going to happen); marvelous (marvelous because I am learning the true beauty of life); extraordinary (extraordinary because it was going to be my personal journey).  This journey with breast cancer was unknown to me in the beginning but I knew I wanted to tackle it with a smile.  I must say that is exactly what I have been doing.  Even on my very worse days, I have still managed to smile at my daughter when she returns from work or smile at Andre when he tells me something funny!  Never will I allow anything or anyone to stop me from smiling!    

Say Hello to My Little Friend! (Scarface Voice)

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling a little better than the day before. Some of my side effects seem to be fading away.  The thing that was constant was this nagging stomach ache.  The new nausea meds seem to help but not 100%.  Today, I was excited because I was getting a new best friend.  It was going to be our first time meeting each other.  The beauty of it, is that I was able to design my new friend to my specifications.  She had to be light and not too heavy.  She had to be slightly oval in shape.  She had to be close to my complexion.  She had to be soft to the touch so when we hugged, it felt natural and not fake.  I had to choose a name for her.  I thought long and hard about this.  Researched until I could find the right name.  It didn't seem right just calling my new friend Sara, Jane or Alicia.  I wanted a name that would stand out.  A name that when I saw her for the first time and then after, it would mean something to us.  So I found the name, Kibwe!  In Swahilli it means "blessed". That was the perfect name for my new friend, KIBWE!! Pronounced Kib-wee!  :)  I was still feeling pretty bad butI had to get up and shower so I was all fresh for my friend when she arrived later on that afternoon. I definitely wanted to make a good impression for the first time that we met.  Her and I were going to be very close friends for awhile and I have to make sure our relationship starts off on a good foot.  Especially since there is no turning back once we see each other. Basically, we will be stuck together like two peas in a pod.  

In the afternoon, my doorbell rings.  The anticipation to meet my friend is heightened.  I get to the door and I open it.  I let my house guests in and prepare myself to meet my new friend.  My friend didn't come alone.  A lady by the name of Jennifer brought my friend to me.  Then the introductions begin.  Jennifer says, "Evelyn, meet Kibwe!"  I look at Kibwe and smile from ear to ear.  I have my newly designed, just for me, breast prosthetic.  I look at it and it looks so real.  It was the same size as my left breast.  Jennifer then shows me how to insert Kibwe into the new bras that came with her.  I put the bra on with Kibwe inserted and it was like a miracle.  Looking at my chest, I couldn't even tell there was a breast missing.  I put on a shirt and it looked even better.  Then I hugged Jennifer to do a feel test and she said it didn't feel fake at all.  I know this was her job to fit me but I really believed her.  As I looked in the mirror, I couldn't help but smile.  I had been so sad the past few days from the chemo that it was so nice to have my new friend to make me smile. :)  I do believe that Kibwe and I will be great friends!!  When Andre came home, he noticed right away how nice the bra looked under my gown.  That made me smile.  Now I felt like a woman again.  Lately, I had been feeling very unwomanly.  Getting Kibwe made me feel whole again.  I chose the right name because as I looked at myself with my new bra on, I felt very "blessed" to be alive and very "blessed" to have my new friend. 

As joyful as I was last night, today has been another story.  This roller coaster of emotions is getting played out.  Went to bed feeling like I was getting better.  However, I was up most of the night off and on with a stomach ache and going to the bathroom.  

WARNING: PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED..

Bathroom means diarrhea and such.  This is something I am use to with chemo.  Yet, very early this morning, I noticed that the toilet was filled with bright red blood.  I knew it didn't look normal.  Plus, my stomach had begun to hurt more. I immediately called my doctor and he said for me to go to the emergency room. So, I get dressed and have Andre take me.  We arrive and I spend the next 4 hours waiting for them to tell me something.  Finally, my doctor comes in and tells me that he wants to admit me for testing on my stomach.  He really doesn't give me any insight on to what he thinks but that he wanted to admit me for observation and testing. He puts me on a liquid diet and the testing begins. I must now sit in this hospital room and wait for the result to come back and see what is going on.  Of course, my mind is making me think things like I might have stomach cancer.  That seems silly now.  I am getting chemo.  Wouldn't that be killing those types of cancer cells too?  I am confused but I must relax my mind and wait to see what my doctor says.  I am in the best place possible now.  Only, I am starving to death.  They won't give me anything but jello, broth, and apple juice.  I guess it could be worse.  I  could be on liquids for the rest of my life.  This is only temporary.  There is someone out there who lives their life out eating only Ensure and liquids.  How dare I complain? 

My lower back was starting to hurt.  I was just laying here with it hurting and then it dawned on me.  I don't have to take this pain.  I am in the hospital.  They can give me pain meds in my IV and that will hopefully stop the back pain.  I wonder if it is associated with my other issue going on.  Oh, well, I won't know until my doctor tells me something.  The nurse just came in and gave me morphine to help.  They don't mess around in the hospital.  Straight to the good stuff.  LOL  As I am typing, I can slowly feel the pain subsiding and I am starting to feel sleepy.  So I will just lay here, relax myself and continue to feel blessed!!