All that Matters is Love!

All I can say is that these past few days have been something out of a war movie.  Since my last post, I have been in bed battling with my body.  This last treatment was by far the hardest on me and it took me to places of pain that I didn't even know existed.  I don't remember much because I was taking pain pills and nausea meds around the clock to cope.  I was in so much pain on Monday, that I couldn't even make my hand move to pick up the bottle of pain pills.  I just laid around in bed all day and waited on Andre to come home so he could give me a pill.  It was crazy.  My joints were aching so bad.  My knees were in pain.  All I did was moan all day long. I was having chills and I stayed dizzy.  By the time Andre came home, I was pathetic.  He immediately gave me a pill and started to take care of me.  All I wanted to do was just lay in silence.  I didn't even want to watch TV.  I spent most of Monday night just praying that the pain would please go away.  I cried a lot because it hurt so bad.  Falling asleep that evening was easy since all my meds make me tired but throughout the night, I tossed and turned from the pain that I was feeling. Around 4:00 a.m. in the morning, I woke in a bed of sweat.  I remember whispering to Andre "Honey, my knees hurt and I don't feel so good."  My sweet husband jumps up and takes my temperature.  It reads "101.7"  That is too high for a chemo patient.  We call my doctor and he advises me to go to the hospital.  So off we go to the ER again.  I swear, I am so tired of rushing to the hospital.  But I know it is important with my immune system being low.  After multiple tests and xrays, they diagnose that I have a bladder infection.  My blood count looked great and nothing else looked abnormal.  I never realized how relieved I would be to hear that I had a bladder infection.  :)  I get antibiotics and then they send me back home.  It was a long and hard day but I managed to get through it.  Chemo wasn't going to let me off too easy I see.  It was definitely going to send me off with fireworks.  That is kind of how my body has felt.  Like fireworks were exploding in me all day long.

Last night, I was up most of the night off and on.  Around 3:00 a.m. this morning, my eyes opened.  My stomach felt queasy and I was feeling a little pain in my knees.  I fell back to sleep and woke at 5:00 a.m. again.  This time was different.  I opened my eyes and I felt no pain at all.  As I looked around the room, I waited to see if my stomach was queasy.  No queasy feeling.  Can this be real?? Am I laying here feeling normal?? I push Andre and tell him to get up for work.  As he is getting ready to leave, I just lay there thinking that this can't really finally be over.  Andre comes to give me a kiss goodbye and I fall back asleep.  Then the strangest thing happens to me.  I suddenly wake up at 6:50 a.m.  Only, this time, I felt like it was a burst of energy, a spirit like presence, God was waking me.  As I opened my eyes, I immediately started crying and I immediately starting praising and thanking God!!  It was a feeling so real, so deep and so powerful that made all that I have been through so worth it.  What I have gone through all summer was what lead me to the point where I am now.  I only know that I want to live the rest of my life out pleasing God and helping others.  I have learned so much during my journey.  I don't know why some people die from cancer and I don't know why some people live.  It isn't fair that anyone has to die from cancer.  Cancer sucks and it isn't nice to people.  It is very personal and it is different for everyone that gets it.  For me, it has tried to destroy my life twice.  Both times, it took my hair away, it took people from my life, it made me sick, it made me see things differently.  But the one thing cancer has never done to me, was make me lose faith in God.  I know God has a plan for me.  That plan is huge because He saved me twice.  Surviving cancer twice doesn't make me any better than anyone else, it just means that God's plan for me is different.  He plans on using me somewhere. My life has been changed by cancer twice.  The strength that I have endured from these experiences have prepared me for something that is important in my future.  My future looks bright and I know whatever obstacle that may come my way, I know I can get through it.  Now, I can be a rock for my children, my grandchildren, my friends, my extended children and my husband.  Cancer gives you a whole different perspective on life.  You learn that each and every moment that you are here is a precious moment. You learn to not take people and life for granted.  You learn that at the end of the day, really all that matters is love!!

My Last Chemo Treatment!!!!!!!!

Wednesday was a good day for me.  Didn’t feel sick, had a little energy and the horrible gas that I was dealing with the past few days that was causing me lower back pain had left my body.  The pain left with the help of a multiple of farts.  LOL  I was on a roll but each fart allowed the gas to be released.  My doctor said it was probably from the colonoscopy.  I was just glad that each fart was making me feel much better.  I tried to spend this day just making sure things were in order since I know I was going to be down for about seven days. Had to go to my doctor’s office to get blood work done.  Wait to see doctor and he tells me what I want to hear.  Blood work was great and that he wanted to see me again in 4 weeks.  It felt so good to hear that.  So I just walked my happy self out of his office and went home to try to rest. 

Thursday comes and I didn’t sleep so well the night before.  It is probably due to the fact of mixed emotions.  I am nervous because I know that the side effects will be hard on me but at the same time, I am excited because it will be my last treatment.  This day seemed so far off in June.  I knew it was coming and I believed that I would get here but it is a very surreal feeling.  I BELIEVED from the very beginning that I was going to win this battle with Breast Cancer.  I was determined to stay positive and not allow the disease to control me.  There were some negative days but I was able to fight through them.  My will and my spirit stayed very strong from day one.  This girl has been through so much and I was not going to let this roadblock in life stop me from living a full life.  I have too much I still want to do and I need to be here for all my babies that I love.   I need to be here for Andre.  There are things that I haven’t done yet and I need to do them.  I was not going to let cancer stop me from fulfilling these things. 

I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face.  Today was the day.  That is all I could think about.  I immediately started thanking God for everything.  I have been doing that a lot these days.  I thank God in the morning, when I am eating breakfast, in the toilet, in the shower, heck, I thank God any and everywhere!  I am so thankful for all the blessings that I have received during this journey.  Prayers were answered and I felt them.  It is amazing how I got blessing after blessing all summer.  I once asked my girlfriend a question about why did I feel that I was always giving to so many but I never felt it wasn’t reciprocated back to me.  She said, “Honey, it is reciprocated back to you.  Look how God has blessed you all during this process.  God saw and He is taking care of you now.”  Wow, she was right.  All my good deeds were noticed by God and He is showing me now that He saw.  That thought made me feel good.  I want to please God and be worthy.  I have always had a good heart and always want to see others happy.  Often times more happier than me.  When others hurt, it is hard for me to bear.

Well, I got up and tidied the house up.  Changed bed sheets and got my meds ready for the week.  Took my shower.  While in shower, I felt so revived and free.  As I washed my baldhead and my flat right breast area, I REALLY felt like the winner that I know was in me.  I beat this cancer and today was my last treatment.  In the beginning, my hair and my breast removal seemed so important but today it was the least important.  I just want to see the joy on the people that I love and that love me.  That is what is important. I finish up shower and dry off.  I look in the mirror and I notice that I still have some of my eyebrows and lashes.  They are thinned out but not all gone.  Will I still lose them?? I don’t know.  But we will see.  I get dressed in my “Team Evelyn” shirt and wait for my friend to pick me up.  She was going to take me to lunch and my chemo treatment.  Then Andre was going to come and stay with me towards the end to bring me home.  We go to Olive Garden and I had a wonderful lunch and it was nice.   I always have a pre-chemo meal and this was particularly wonderful.  It was my last pre-chemo meal!! 

After we were done, we head to clinic to get my chemo treatment.  I walk in and my nurse sees me.  The whole office is excited for me.  I can tell.  It is like a graduation of sorts.  This chemo treatment was different than the others.  I slept the whole time.  This is something I have never done before.  So now I am wondering if my side effects are going to be bad.  Oh, well, can’t turn back now.  Must just handle it and push forward.  When I saw the last few drops of the IV drop into my veins, I got this overall feeling to jump for joy.  I couldn’t but sure wanted to.  This had to be added to my list of the “One of the Best Days of my Life.”   As my nurse took out the IV for the last time and I could see she was sad to see me go.  She looked at me and said, “You have a beautiful soul and a great personality.   It was my honor to be your chemo nurse. “  Wow, that was so nice.  However, she was my Angel because she took great care of me at each treatment.  I was sad to leave.  I will most definitely be checking back in to see her over the next months.  Andre and I walk out to the car and I can immediately feel the fatigue coming on.  He takes me home and here I lay in bed to try and write in my blog.  I really wanted to write something before I have to deal with all these side effects.  I normally am shut down and it is hard to sit up and type on computer.  So my blog might not get done for a few days.  I just want to focus on rest and letting the chemo drugs work for the last time. 

Yes, it is was my last chemo treatment but I still need to watch how I take care of my body.  I need to eat healthier, start a exercise program and stick with it, and continue to be proactive in staying on top of my medical needs.  Can cancer come back?  Yes it can.  But it could also touch one of my loved ones.  During this time, I have had two friends diagnosed with cancer.  Cancer has no special friends because it can attack EVERYONE whenever it wants to.  That is why we must continue to pray for cures and donate to help researchers find cures.   It often takes a tragic event for us to want to get involved.  It did for me.  I will never stop being a part of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer organization because I see how wonderful it is and how it has helped so many women.  It has helped me.  That was the first website that I went to for information.   It calmed my nerves and it gave me hope.  Cancer is out there and it is touching people’s lives each and ever day.  Some live and some die from it. But Cancer didn’t win over here. I fought it, I knocked it out and I stomped on its little old head.   I wanted to live and I was determined to do that.  Yes, we all must die but I was not going to let Cancer be the reason for me.   I am the winner this time and I will continue to fight.  The next five years while I am in remission will be tough but I have to continue to stay positive, pray to God and have hope that it will never come in my life again.  It tried two times to take me out but I had the strength and power to not allow it.  

I AM A FIGHTER, I AM A SURVIOR AND I AM A WINNER!! How you like me now???  :)

September 11, 2001~We Must Never Forget!!

I had a wonderful weekend!! My niece came to visit me and brought my handsome great-nephew, Karl Michael Brown III.  We call him Trey.  She came to Dallas from Wichita, Ks to celebrate her birthday.  The beauty of it all is that while she enjoyed Dallas, I was able to spend quality time at home with Trey. I must say that this had to be the best weekend ever.  Just being around this loving and sweet baby was what I needed.  I have spent the whole summer at home, getting chemo, being sick and just trying to cope with it all.  Having Trey here gave me a chance to truly forget about me and focus only on him.  We laughed, we played, we ate and we just loved on each other.  This time with him gave me back the feeling of what I missed the most this summer, helping the ones I love.  Trey solely depended on his Aunt Ev and this was nice.  It was nice to be needed and to be able to take care of him.  From Thursday of last week to Sunday, I was one happy person.  I couldn't stop smiling with joy.  One day, I will have to tell Trey how much he helped me when he was 9 months old.  I will tell him, that he allowed me to not think about my situation but to focus on spending time with him.  When they left on Sunday, I was sad.  Seeing them drive off was difficult.  I sure wish they lived in Texas.  But when I am all well, I will fly to Wichita to visit him more often.  One of the wonderful benefits of working for an airline is traveling.  While Trey was here, I wasn't able to do much of anything except be with him.  That is one reason I wasn't able to write in my blog.  I never had a free moment and when I did, I was napping.  Little babies are very exhausting.

On Monday, I could't do anything but lay in bed all day.  I didn't do much moving around over the weekend but whatever I did, drained me on Monday.  I woke up and watched this documentary about September 11th.  Probably not a good idea.  I believe this is what put me in a depressed state.  I knew September 11 was Sunday but I was so busy with family and their departure, that I didn't really dwell on it.  However, Monday was a different story.  After watching the documentary, I was forced to think about what I was doing on that day.  I will never forget it.  My Dad was at his office and I was driving there.  He called me and said, "Honey, something crashed into the World Trade Center."  I said, "No Daddy."  He commenced to tell me what he was hearing on the radio.  He told me to go back home and watch the TV to see what was up. I turn around and drive back home.  As I am driving back home, my Dad called back and said, "OMG, there was another crash into the other building.  Baby, go get the kids and go home until we find out what is going on.  I think it is a terrorist attack."  So, I did what he said.  I spent the rest of that day glued to the TV, hugging my children and watching the war on America with tears running down my face!  All I could do was pray and pray.  I literally stayed home for about a week devastated and scared.  I knew no one involved in it but I felt like I knew them all.  It pained me to think that there were people that cruel in our world to do such a horrific thing.  The person that I am hates to see others hurt and to see America hurting this deeply was too much for me.  Yes, that was 10 years ago but seeing that documentary on this day made it all very fresh and new again.  It made me think of my father and how he sent me home to be safe.  It made me think of how my father was my hero all my life and that I wish right now he was with me.  September 11, 2011 was a very sad day in America.  If it taught me anything, it taught me how important it is to tell the people you love that you love them daily.   At any split second, something could happen and then you would never see them again.  We must never forget that day and we must continue to pray for everyone that was personally affected by that day.  Yes, Monday was difficult for me and I had to pray a lot to get through it.

Today has been better for me.  I chose to wake up and smile and not be down.  I shouldn't be down.  In just two more days, I will have my LAST chemo treatment.  Mixed emotions about it.  I am so nervous because I hear it might be my hardest but excited because it will be my last one.  Then I can start my life over again.  I have so much I want to do.  All summer, I have dreamed of my last treatment day coming.  It seemed so far off when I was first told that I would have to have chemo.  Now, I can't believe the time is finally here.  My sweet loving honey, Andre, is going to take me. That man is wonderful.  I have to continue to say that because without him, I couldn't have done it.  His laughter when I needed it on a day I was depressed, his sweet comments about how beautiful I am with a bald head, his tender kisses on my chapped lips after chemo, his support on days when I felt I couldn't do it anymore and his constant love is what made this journey bearable.  I have so many dreams for us for the future.  Our future looks bright.  Thirteen years being married to my best friend is a blessing from God.  I went through a lot of frogs before I found my Prince!  Thank you God for Andre Auturo Johnson!!